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  #841  
Old 02.08.2011, 10:05
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Had a terrible day today, on my way to work some bloke through some breaded garlic mushrooms at me...and that was just for starters.
I think I met the same guy but he threw fried mashed potatoes at me. Luckily he missed. He made a hash of it.
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  #842  
Old 02.08.2011, 12:43
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

fitting for this thread (well last week a la Winehouse)


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  #843  
Old 02.08.2011, 22:01
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

If you would like to take part in tonight's Panorama broadcast concerning Exit and Dignitas, press the Red button on your remote now...
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  #844  
Old 03.08.2011, 14:07
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Two nuns in a bath and one turns to the other and says:
- "Where's the soap?"

.... and the other replies:,
- "Yes it does ... doesn't it?"

[may have to say it out loud if it doesn't click, straight away - spelling]
...still not getting it.
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  #845  
Old 03.08.2011, 14:20
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Replace 'where's' with 'wears', and imagine the nun cleaning herself rather... um... vigorously.
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  #846  
Old 03.08.2011, 14:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Replace 'where's' with 'wears', and imagine the nun cleaning herself rather... um... vigorously.
Quick tip, if someone doesn't get the joke there's no shame in it per se. But if you really have to give Ikea-like step-by-step instructions, diagrams with annotations etc. to try and share the secret, you're either Swiss or have a degree in engineering, but there's no spirit left in the wit to even spark a distant chuckle I'm afraid. If masturbatory nuns can't gain a giggle, let it be.
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  #847  
Old 03.08.2011, 14:58
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Q. What did the female suicide bomber say to the other female suicide bomber?








A.Do these jeans make my bomb look to big?
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  #848  
Old 03.08.2011, 14:58
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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If masturbatory nuns can't gain a giggle, let it be.
Ah, the original lyric, but they couldn't get tune to fit.

They still managed to keep the next line, "Mother Mary comes to me".
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  #849  
Old 03.08.2011, 15:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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......if you really have to give Ikea-like step-by-step instructions..........masturbatory nuns

Masturbating nuns?
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  #850  
Old 03.08.2011, 17:41
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I went to the Dr today, feeling very weak. He gave me some pills for strength.
Now if only I could get the lid off the bottle.
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  #851  
Old 03.08.2011, 17:55
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Some Tweets from my friend:

• Why is it that people who snore always fall asleep first?
• Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
• Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. ~ Woody Allen (...and he should know)
• Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
• All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
• There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.
• Life is just a phase you're going through... you'll get over it.
• Dunkin' Donuts Cashier used Drive-Thru to offer her "Services": http://t.co/aqjcTL9 via @AOL ... and that's why America runs on Dunkin!
• How blirtatiousness are you? http://huff.to/q5JWsk via @huffingtonpost
• Killer Shoes: Thelma Carter Accused of Killing Boyfriend with Stiletto: http://huff.to/pBNv6P
• How stupid is a system that would even consider giving custody of 2 boys to a woman who killed her 2 daughters? http://huff.to/nuJxZB
• What makes politicians think we want to see them naked? Most of us would prefer to see them wearing orange jumpsuits. http://huff.to/oPuJQz
• Never underestimate the power of nagging.
• If the world were ruled by women then there would be no war… just a couple of nations not talking with each other.
• I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
• Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilt and I’ll show you a man.
• When women go wrong, men go right after them.
• Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
• My shopping buddy is always holding up super ugly clothes & saying the same thing: "This looks so much better on." On what? On fire?
• A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s because she changes it more often.
• Men: Can’t live with them & can’t bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing and/or their damned dogs digging 'em up.
• I like my whisky old and my men young.
• If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

• Rotten Congress' Rotten Rating: http://bit.ly/oWX4qb This is what comes of living high off of the working poor they keep kicking in the ass.
• If at first you don’t succeed then you're probably a politician.
• What does Congress and clouds have in common? The absence of both signifies a real nice day.
• The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.
• The ideal politician is humble, cares deeply, works hard, goes straight home, doesn’t lie, doesn’t cheat, doesn’t steal and doesn’t exist.
• Congress only has two faults, everything they say and everything they do.
• The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs…
• Men marry women with the hope they'll never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Thus, they're both disappointed.
• Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.
• Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.
• Restaurant bans kids: Is it fair?: http://t.co/n3NM0hN via @todayskitchen I love kids... with ketchup.
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  #852  
Old 03.08.2011, 18:56
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I was visiting Notre Dame cathedral and I think I saw some guy hanging around the bells, I'm not sure really though, it was just a hunch.
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  #853  
Old 04.08.2011, 00:20
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The government today announced that it's changing the flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of d1cks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
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  #854  
Old 04.08.2011, 00:49
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A priest and a Hindu are making toast. The priest exclaims "look there is an image of jesus in my margarine!" The Hindu replies " I can't believe its not Budda!"
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  #855  
Old 04.08.2011, 10:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The CEO of a multinational decides to get some opinions from his staff on how they see the company he is so proud of.
So he stops off at the post room and asks the young guy there, how he sees the company.
The young man (who had only recently been hired) replied immediately that it was like working in a tree full of monkeys.
The CEO , puzzled, asked him to explain.
Well he said, when you are at the top looking down, all you see is smiling faces, when you are at the bottom looking up, all you see is @ssholes.
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  #856  
Old 05.08.2011, 16:02
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I finally finished that book on how to have intercourse with clocks.













It's about fcking time!
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  #857  
Old 10.08.2011, 16:19
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The UK supreme court has said that looters in the current English riots can expect light or suspended sentences once convicted.

They say that the never-ending calls from Curry's and Dixons trying to sell the thieves an extended warranty on their new TVs will be more than punishment enough.
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  #858  
Old 10.08.2011, 18:13
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Have u ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the Letters used to define bra sizes? But couldn't figure out what the letters stood for. Well its time you became informed! (A) Almost tits. (B) Barely there. (C) Can't Complain! (D) Damn! (DD) Double Damn!(E) Enormous! (F) Fake. (G) Get a Reduction. (H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!





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  #859  
Old 11.08.2011, 18:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Did you hear about the guy who cooled himself down to absolute zero?















He's 0K now.
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  #860  
Old 12.08.2011, 14:35
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

There is a sect in India that worships the Zero. Is nothing sacred ?
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