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  #881  
Old 25.08.2011, 14:27
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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- a joke that I don't understand?

- if you understand it please explain.

My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.

Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.

It's Ironic........... because Jokes don't usually become funnier when they have to be explained.


(it's the same humour as his "patronising tone of voice" joke earlier)
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  #882  
Old 25.08.2011, 14:45
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I got the sack from a plastic surgeon's for using helium instead of silicone. Needless to say everything went tits up.


I just saw two guys get into a fist fight over whether Macbeth or Hamlet is the best Shakespeare play.
I thought it was much ado about nothing tbh.


My wife slapped me, then left me and accused me of having a DIY tools fetish.
I felt a little saw afterwards.


I told this girl earlier that she was like my little toe.
She said "Why because I’m small and cute?"
"No," I said "because later when I’m pissed I’m gonna bang you on my coffee table"


A friend of mine was chopping herbs and he got some in his eye. Now he's parsley sighted.


I had a dream last night that I was having a fight with the Grim Reaper and I hit him with my vacuum cleaner.
You could say I was Dyson with Death.
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Ciao folks, don't think I'll be back for a while. Contact through FB profile (link - Facebook) or send email. Won't be checking PMs here.
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  #883  
Old 25.08.2011, 19:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I' m going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........


*


*
*
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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  #884  
Old 31.08.2011, 18:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I accidentally drank a bottle of Tipp-Ex instead of viagra.....















....now I've got a massive correction
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  #885  
Old 31.08.2011, 18:40
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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I accidentally drank a bottle of Tipp-Ex instead of viagra.....


....now I've got a massive correction

I heard you invented Tippex?




























Correct me if im wrong?
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  #886  
Old 01.09.2011, 13:35
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

THE GUNFIGHTER

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognised an elderly
man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the
West.



The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told
him of his great ambition to be a great shot...



‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked.



The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -
tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'



'Sure will '



the young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the
bow tie off the piano player.



'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'



'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.



'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.



The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a
blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.



'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more
tips?'



The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'



The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.



'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
all.'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.



'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,
he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.
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  #887  
Old 02.09.2011, 23:48
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I can remember the days before we had a television... And then the riots started.
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  #888  
Old 03.09.2011, 05:43
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

My wife is the sunshine of my life... If I look at her for too long, it hurts my eyes.
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  #889  
Old 03.09.2011, 10:55
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A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer..................................and some of those peanuts." The barman says, "Why the big pause?"


(well you wanted terrible.....)
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  #890  
Old 04.09.2011, 12:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A British expat goes to the doctor and complains he is always feeling unwell.

The doctor examines him and then tells him to get a bucket and a cloth. Then place in the bucket some steak and kidney pudding, fish and chips, real ale, mint sauce, green jelly, sticky toffee pudding and custard. He must breath in the aromas from the bucket three times a day and come back next week.

The ex-pat comes back a week later and tells the doctor that amazingly he feels much better. "What was I suffering from?"

Doctor tells him, "You were just homesick"
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  #891  
Old 09.09.2011, 21:39
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

.
.
A man calls emergency operator and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

__________________________________________________

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

________________________________________

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am? !
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

________________________________________

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner
Talk about Dyson with death.

________________________________________

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

________________________________________

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "
________________________________________

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Bugger that" says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

________________________________________

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"

________________________________________

I've just had a letter back from Screw fix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

________________________________________

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him...
"Where are you from? You sound English",
"I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?"
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?"
"I mount animals."
"It's alright boys," shouts the barman "He's one of us!"

________________________________________

I spent $40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

________________________________________

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor
standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

________________________________________

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

________________________________________

An old lady is being examined by the doctor.
He asks "Have you ever been bedridden?"
She says "Yes, by my first husband."

________________________________________

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you
get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said "I would like to come back as a cow."
I said "You're obviously not bloody listening."

________________________________________

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called a wedding cake.

________________________________________

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you."
She said "Is that you or the beer talking ?"
I replied "It's me talking to the beer."

________________________________________

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

__________________________________________________ __
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  #892  
Old 10.09.2011, 14:31
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Paddy lost his dog, and is well gutted, phones home and his wife tells him to put an ad in the papershop window, he goes home and the wife asks paddy ''did you put the ad in the papershop window?'' ''yes" paddy replies.
Wife: ''what did you put on the ad paddy"?









Paddy..''SHEP! HERE BOY''.
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  #893  
Old 15.09.2011, 16:58
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

a little bit geeky .. jaja but equally terrible and funny
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repertoire-terrible-jokes-i-challenge-you-potter-cake.jpg  
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  #894  
Old 16.09.2011, 16:52
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I watched a guy pickpocket a midget today.........














........I can't believe someone could stoop so low.
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  #895  
Old 17.09.2011, 00:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

At a wedding party someone stands up and yells:

"all the married man please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living"






the bartender was crushed to death
xD
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  #896  
Old 29.09.2011, 15:37
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

After Monday & Tuesday even the Calendar says
W T F
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  #897  
Old 29.09.2011, 15:52
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Somebody called me a TWAT in the office.

I thought that a bit harsh - until I realised I only worked Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.
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  #898  
Old 29.09.2011, 16:49
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors

How fast can you guess these words:


1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM


Answers:













1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's. You are just a pervert.

Last edited by swisscath; 29.09.2011 at 16:50. Reason: insert spaces
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  #899  
Old 29.09.2011, 16:55
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

a baby seal walks into a bar
bartender asks... "what'll ya have mate`?"
baby seal replies "anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks"

.........................
a baby seal ( another one ) walks into a club.
what a tragedy

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  #900  
Old 29.09.2011, 21:36
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I was shocked to hear about REM's break-up recently ... I was in an Indian restaurant when I heard it, and I just fainted right at the table! My mate took a photo - that's me in the korma ...
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