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  #921  
Old 09.10.2011, 12:40
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #922  
Old 12.10.2011, 18:06
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Man: Hey honey you want see a Magic Trick?
Woman: Sure babe

Man : POOF...!! You are single again Adios.
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  #923  
Old 12.10.2011, 20:56
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.

I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face
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  #924  
Old 13.10.2011, 11:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #925  
Old 13.10.2011, 12:01
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Name:  lighthouse.jpg
Views: 4624
Size:  27.0 KB

Funny!
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  #926  
Old 13.10.2011, 12:04
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The Tesco Doctor

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for
good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would
happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco


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  #927  
Old 13.10.2011, 12:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Laid in bed with the wife I looked in her eyes and said "seeing your face reminds me of the lottery."

With a smile she said "because I'm worth millions to you?"

"No" i said

"I wish you'd roll over."
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  #928  
Old 13.10.2011, 12:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
The Tesco Doctor

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for
good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would
happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco


Did not make me laugh because I have read it before... but yeah thanks giving laugh to my colleague sitting behind me [Size font size] .
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  #929  
Old 13.10.2011, 12:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Old folks bus trip to Bern from bulle. Bus jerks when an old man is in gangway, and he falls onto an old lady in the nearest seat. He apologises saying, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts I'll see you in heaven.'' Old lady replies, "If your cock's as hard as your elbow I'll see you in fribourg!
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  #930  
Old 13.10.2011, 12:14
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
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Did not make me laugh because I have read it before... but yeah thanks giving laugh to my colleague sitting behind me [Size font size] .

Yeh sorry openid...copy and paste caught me out there!

Back to work
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  #931  
Old 13.10.2011, 12:35
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
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hahaha!
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  #932  
Old 13.10.2011, 13:02
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]





Have to say I never found the Two Ronnies to be particularly funny, but I have to admit this is good.
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  #933  
Old 13.10.2011, 13:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waived
What did the fish say to the wall? Damn!
What did the policeman say to the condom? Cover me, I'm going in!

After sleeping with a $5 prostitute a man gets the crabs, he confronts her.

Man: "Hey you gave me the crabs!"
Woman: "Well, for five dollars what did you expect, obster?"

Please don't hate me
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  #934  
Old 13.10.2011, 15:15
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Not a joke but still funny
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  #935  
Old 14.10.2011, 17:43
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Wikipedia: I know everything
Google: I have everything
Facebook: I know everyone
Internet: without me you are all nothing

electricity: ............keep talking bitches !!!
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  #936  
Old 14.10.2011, 17:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #937  
Old 14.10.2011, 20:47
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What happened when the cat ate a ball of yarn?

She had mittens.
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  #938  
Old 14.10.2011, 20:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Does a tap on the knee cure water on the brain ?
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  #939  
Old 17.10.2011, 15:48
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Talking Dog for Sale
As I was driving around the back lanes of
Sheffield I saw a sign in front of a
rather bedragled house:
'Talking Dog For Sale '
I rang the bell and the owner appeard and told me that the
dog was in the back garden
I went into the back garden and saw a nice looking
Labrador sitting there.

'You talk?' I asked.

'Yes,' the Lab replied.

After I had recoverd from the shock of hearing
the dog talk, I asked what the dog could tell me about his life.
The Lab looked up and says, 'Well, I discovered
that I could talk when I was young..
I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5.


In no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies
and world leaders, because no one figured a
dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so
I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and
now I'm just retired.'

I was amazed. I went and asked the owner how much he wanted for the dog.

'Ten pounds' he asked.
'Ten pounds? This dog is amazing! Why on
earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been outside of Yorkshire'
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  #940  
Old 18.10.2011, 16:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

not sure if its old.. made me put a smile on that face.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, its quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there.
And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent!"

----
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
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