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  #941  
Old 18.10.2011, 18:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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I just pray that Kevin Bacon lives forever!
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  #942  
Old 20.10.2011, 17:07
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Only Swiss didn't know this, and now they are sure of it:

http://www.thelocal.ch/1530/20111020/#
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  #943  
Old 20.10.2011, 19:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What did the constipated mathematician do?

He worked it out with a pencil.
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  #944  
Old 20.10.2011, 19:57
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

When I started to suspect that my daughter was becoming mute I was embarrassed and hid her from the world.

For fifteen long years I kept her locked indoors, too ashamed to let anyone see her. Every night I wept as I saw her trying to speak but no sound would ever come from her mouth.

Finally last week I decided that something should be done. I summoned my courage, took her to the doctor's, stormed into his surgery and demanded that he diagnose the problem.

Turns out I'm deaf.
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  #945  
Old 20.10.2011, 20:02
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Earlier on I saw a man constantly turning to the right.

I thought I would have a laugh so I asked him, "Are you all right?".

He quickly turned the tables on me however by replying, "Not a clue mate, I'm dyspraxic".
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  #946  
Old 20.10.2011, 20:50
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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What did the constipated mathematician do?

He worked it out with a pencil.
That's not too bad ... the constipated engineer worked it out with logs.
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  #947  
Old 21.10.2011, 11:07
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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That's not too bad ... the constipated engineer worked it out with logs.
Could be worse. The constipated schoolchild worked it out using their fingers...
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  #948  
Old 21.10.2011, 11:14
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Could be worse. The constipated schoolchild worked it out using their fingers...
Whereas the constipated Asian market trader worked it out with an abacus.
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  #949  
Old 21.10.2011, 11:50
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a peanut butter sandwich?

Well...
EITHER
you get a peanut butter sandwich that never forgets,
OR
you get an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
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  #950  
Old 21.10.2011, 13:08
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Then she look at me and go, "What your name?"
I say, "Sem Ting."




Great!

Reminds me of Mr & Ms Wong. Ms Wong gave birth to a child with unexpected features and skin colour, indicating she had been straying.

Mr Wong took it like a man and gave the child the name:

Sum Ting Wong

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  #951  
Old 21.10.2011, 13:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia.


How about a sheep with a kangaroo?

A woolly jumper.
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  #952  
Old 21.10.2011, 20:35
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my neck. I can splash it on my eyes."



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  #953  
Old 22.10.2011, 11:28
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Might not qualify, not sure if this is meant to be a joke
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  #954  
Old 25.10.2011, 08:04
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"


He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
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  #955  
Old 25.10.2011, 15:49
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived
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  #956  
Old 25.10.2011, 15:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

My wife was having an epileptic fit last night.

"She's coming round," my son panicked. "Quick phone an ambulance!"

"Good idea," I replied. "They'll probably have their lights flashing."
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  #957  
Old 25.10.2011, 16:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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My wife was having an epileptic fit last night.

"She's coming round," my son panicked.
Would that not be an elliptic fit?
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  #958  
Old 25.10.2011, 23:53
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"
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  #959  
Old 27.10.2011, 16:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Why hasn't Santa Klaus got any children?

Becuase he only comes once a year (and that's down the chimney).
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  #960  
Old 27.10.2011, 16:39
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

My boss thrust a picture under my nose, "What the is this?!" he asked.

"Well," I calmly replied, "It appears to be a photo of me your wife. You know that's not real don't you? It's clearly been Photoshopped."

"What?" he said, relaxing slightly, "How can you tell?"

"Well, your wife's tits aren't that big and they've airbrushed out the mole by her fanny."
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