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  #961  
Old 27.10.2011, 16:45
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Why hasn't Santa Klaus got any children?

Becuase he only comes once a year (and that's down the chimney).

Did the chimney have a vasectomy?
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  #962  
Old 27.10.2011, 16:47
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Did the chimney have a vasectomy?
I'm not sure which tack you've taken here
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  #963  
Old 27.10.2011, 17:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

My wife came in moaning,

"I'm sick of you wasting your time with all these inventions! None of them work anyway!"

It was at that point that the "Slap-a-c@ntomatic3000" proved her wrong
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  #964  
Old 31.10.2011, 20:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

This joke definitely belongs here ... not because it's not funny (it's hilarious!) but because it really is terrible ...


A bloke's wife goes missing while they are diving off the West Australian Coast. He reports her missing to police then spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately; some bad news, but some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first.'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news could possibly be....

The Sarge says, 'Well, when we got your wife up, there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of lobsters and five big crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?


'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!'
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  #965  
Old 31.10.2011, 21:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I'm sure I've posted this here (or somewhere else on EF), but just HAD to post it again....

What's the most used chat-up line in a gay bar?
+
+
+
+
+
'Can I push your stool in for you?'
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  #966  
Old 04.11.2011, 16:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Are all girls claustrophobic? It's like every single one freaks out when they're locked in the boot of a car

young lad knocked on the door last night and said "Trick or Treat?"
I said "What have you come as?"
He said "A werewolf."
I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes"
He said "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead?"
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  #967  
Old 09.11.2011, 03:57
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

My nans piles look like old dried up walnuts.

On the plus side, they taste like cheese and onion crisps


I'm in the internet cafe at the moment with this dirty chav looking over my shoulder. I'm sure he's going to steal my lapto.... bt he didnt and in da end i got chatin 2 im nd he woz a gr8 fella. N e 1 wanna buy a laptop?
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  #968  
Old 17.11.2011, 11:15
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

x-post from nerd thread:

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  #969  
Old 17.11.2011, 11:26
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

This thread really should have the Thanks enabled so we can rate jokes. My fav of the day is araqyl's joke linked
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  #970  
Old 18.11.2011, 17:26
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Gary gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Gary replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a thousand Franc Note on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a thousand Franc Note tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a thousand bucks anytime you want."

Gary is in Kantonspital Baden, Intensive Care unit, room 462
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  #971  
Old 18.11.2011, 17:36
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Apparently, to save money, the Greek PM has ordered the cessation of production of hoummus and taramasalata.

Economists are convinced that this is the clearest sign yet that Europe is entering a double dip recession.



Apologies again to those who already saw this on FB
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  #972  
Old 18.11.2011, 17:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What did the fish say when it swam into the wall ?
.
.
.
.
.
. . . . . Damn.
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  #973  
Old 24.11.2011, 12:46
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I was on a plane to Switzerland with my wife.

Halfway through the flight, a man jumped out of his seat and pulled out a gun.

"This is a hijack!" he screamed. "If anyone makes a move, I'll kill 'em!"

My wife held my hand for comfort. I looked into her eyes, smiled, and then pushed her into the aisle.

The hijacker shot her in the head, before being wrestled to the ground by a couple of passengers.

Everyone on the plane looked at me in disbelief at what I had just done.

I said, "Before you ask, we were on our way to the Dignitas clinic for an assisted suicide, so I did us all a favour."

After a few moments silence, an air hostess said, "Well... I suppose her suffering is over now. Was she in a lot of pain?"

"No, she was fine," I replied. "I'm the one who's dying. I just wanted one last laugh before I go."
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  #974  
Old 24.11.2011, 13:52
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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This thread really should have the Thanks enabled so we can rate jokes. My fav of the day is araqyl's joke linked
Once upon a time,(cue music from the hovis advert, to play along in your head to get you into the spirit) back in th'old days when I started the thread, there was a thanks button. However, there was a bit of a hoo-ha, and the thanks button disappeared.

Last edited by swisscath; 24.11.2011 at 13:56. Reason: to add a bit more!!
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  #975  
Old 24.11.2011, 13:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What are three blondes standing in a row?
An air tunnel.
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  #976  
Old 03.12.2011, 17:02
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I was having a shit in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.

He said, "Can I see your ticket please?"

"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a shit!"

He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"

"No problem" I said, sliding it under, "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."
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  #977  
Old 03.12.2011, 17:04
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

My girlfriend asked me what I wanted for Christmas - Stroking my unkempt beard I replied, "I could do with a grooming kit" - Imagine my surprise when she brought me a Puppy and a Big Bag of Haribo
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  #978  
Old 04.12.2011, 12:57
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

What Christmas Carol is a favorite of parents? Silent night
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  #979  
Old 04.12.2011, 22:29
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I just got back from the doctor, and I've been diagnosed with sausegephobia ... I fear the wurst ...
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  #980  
Old 04.12.2011, 22:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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I just got back from the doctor, and I've been diagnosed with sausegephobia ... I fear the wurst ...
Thanks......
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