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  #981  
Old 04.12.2011, 22:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Once upon a time,(cue music from the hovis advert, to play along in your head to get you into the spirit) back in th'old days when I started the thread, there was a thanks button. However, there was a bit of a hoo-ha, and the thanks button disappeared.
Thanks....................
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  #982  
Old 04.12.2011, 22:57
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What do you call someone with no arms and no legs lying in a pile of leaves? Russel.
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  #983  
Old 08.12.2011, 18:26
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

This is what you have to look forward to.

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend:

"That's us in 10 years."

He said: "That's a mirror, dip-shit!
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  #984  
Old 08.12.2011, 21:28
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Scotland reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

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  #985  
Old 08.12.2011, 23:31
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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'These are Carols.'
And I suppose someone's Nicholas....
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  #986  
Old 21.12.2011, 21:48
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.
'You have no arms !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
'Bishop, who was this man ?'.
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,






( scroll down )














' ................... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'


WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but..'

(. . . Wait for it ...)














(.. . . It's worth it.. ..)



'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'
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  #987  
Old 21.12.2011, 21:53
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

But,,, that's a Good joke!! Ten out of ten from me anyway.
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  #988  
Old 22.12.2011, 03:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Apparently Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm.

In my experience, not as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop.
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  #989  
Old 22.12.2011, 03:10
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I phoned the police the other day.

"What's your emergency?" they asked.
I said, "Two girls are fighting over me."
"OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?"
"The fat one's winning."
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  #990  
Old 03.01.2012, 13:53
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A young Zürich woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Horgen Ferry."
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  #991  
Old 03.01.2012, 17:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

New Year's resolution- Date more models.

Revised- Date more.

Revised again- Get a date.

Revised one last time- Stop crying whilst masturbating
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  #992  
Old 03.01.2012, 18:25
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

This thread deserves a better title...
I do enjoy most of the jokes. . please keep them rolling
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  #993  
Old 07.01.2012, 16:53
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I found a Genie in a bottle, he unfortunately only offered me one wish, so I wished not to die a virgin.


He acknowledged and granted me eternal life.
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  #994  
Old 06.02.2012, 17:36
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I was working hard at the gym earlier, pumping some serious iron.

Some bloke came up to me and said, "You're gonna be very sore tomorrow, pal."

"It's alright," I laughed, "I'm used to working on my arms."

"I didn't mean your arms," he winked, "I've spiked your Lucozade..."
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  #995  
Old 06.02.2012, 17:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

As I blew my daughter a kiss at the school gates, one of the other fathers looked at me in disgust. "Are you your own daughter?" he asked.

"Erm... No..." I said, looking very sheepish. "Is it wrong for a father to blow a kiss to his daughter?"

"No," he replied. "But it is wrong for her to catch that kiss and then rub it on her minge."
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  #996  
Old 13.02.2012, 10:14
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

It's the story of a SUnni muslim man who married a SHIa woman. Their kids are Sushi.
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  #997  
Old 13.02.2012, 10:16
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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I found a Genie in a bottle, he unfortunately only offered me one wish, so I wished not to die a virgin.


He acknowledged and granted me eternal life.
A man asked the same Genie to give him a huge penis that touches the floor.....the Genie in a swift action cut the legs with a sword.
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  #998  
Old 13.02.2012, 13:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

There are plenty of articles on the Daily Mail website about the death of Whitney Houston. Each article attracting comments.

Under each comment it does say "Report Abuse".

I thought - "A bit late for that really, isn't it"
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  #999  
Old 14.02.2012, 02:24
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed.

Or foreplay, as she calls it
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  #1000  
Old 14.02.2012, 02:25
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

And for number 1000

'It's not right, but it's okay'

...sings Whitney Houston's coroner as he slowly unbuckles his belt.
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