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  #1001  
Old 16.02.2012, 12:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What's six inches long and didn't get sucked on Valentine's Day?





Whitney Houston's crack pipe
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  #1002  
Old 16.02.2012, 12:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
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What's six inches long and didn't get sucked on Valentine's Day?





Whitney Houston's crack pipe
Whitney Houston: 1963
Whitney Houstoff: 2012
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  #1003  
Old 17.02.2012, 19:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I would like to share an experience with you all about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.


A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many glasses of Pinot Noir and some other rather nice claret. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.


I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.
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  #1004  
Old 17.02.2012, 20:43
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Niqab Valentin's day joke. Love this one so much that I translate it for you:

- My husband didn't offer anything to me. And yours?
- I just remind you that we have the same!
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  #1005  
Old 21.02.2012, 09:56
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had
sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'


Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a
young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and
asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'



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  #1006  
Old 23.02.2012, 00:41
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

No comment. From a Persian friend of mine.


Two Arabs, Abd-al-Rahman and Abd-al-Rashid moved to Paris where they made friends with a French guy named Jean-Paul.

They used to go all over Paris with him when suddenly one day . . . Jean - Paul disappeared.

The two went to the police and lodged a complaint.

The police asked them if they could give some vital clues about Jean-Paul that would help find him.

Abd-al-Rahman says . . . "Jean-Paul was handsome and tall" Police say . . .
"Most Frenchmen are like that . . . Give us something specific"

Abd-al-Rashid says . . . "Jean-Paul had blue eyes and was very fair"
Police say . . . "C'mon guys, lots of Frenchmen have blue eyes and fair hair, tell us something specific"

Abd-al-Rahman and Abd-al-Rashid. . ."Oh yes, Now we remember!
Jean-Paul had two holes in his ass !!!"

The Policemen get really interested . . . "Now that's something very specific - but tell us, how do you know this ?? Have you guys seen it ?"

Abd-al-Rahman and Abd-al-Rashid . . . "No we haven't actually seen the holes, but wherever we went with Jean-Paul, everyone used to say . . . "Here comes Jean-Paul with the TWO assholes."
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  #1007  
Old 23.02.2012, 18:15
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]


A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "NO !!!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and humped skinny long-legged big titted girls and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whisky, beer and never heard bitching and never paid child support or divorce settlement and kept his house and guns and ate egg and chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on and all his friends and family thought he was a cool bugger and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and pissed outside when he wanted.

The End.xx
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  #1008  
Old 01.03.2012, 21:27
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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  #1009  
Old 01.03.2012, 22:50
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Me and the wife were going through some of my old photo albums.

"Ah, I've found one of you as a child lying naked on a rug" she laughed.

"That's not me" I said. "Or that....or that......or that."

And that's when she called the police.
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  #1010  
Old 01.03.2012, 22:59
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I thought my mum was joking when she said Davy Jones from the Monkees was dead ... then I saw her face ... now I'm a bereaver

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  #1011  
Old 02.03.2012, 16:24
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

While dragging a large heavy bag to my local waste disposal, the foreman came over to me holding his nose.

"Excuse me mate, do you have a Kleenex?" He asked.

"No, this is a dirty old one." I replied. "Cracking guess though."
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  #1012  
Old 02.03.2012, 16:26
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

As a struggling actor I was thrilled when my agent phoned with an audition.

"The part's made for you," he said. "They want someone your age, height and build with an accent like yours, and it's being filmed about 5 minutes from your house."

"It sounds perfect!" I replied excitedly. "What is it?"

"It's a Crimewatch rape reconstruction."

"Erm... No... I'm busy that day..."
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  #1013  
Old 03.03.2012, 13:27
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A dog walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get the hell out of here; we don't like dogs around here." The dog ignores him and orders a drink. Pissed, the bartender reaches under the bar, pulls out a shotgun and pulls the trigger striking the dog in the hand -- who goes yelping out the door and down the street. About an hour later the dog, now holstering two six shooters, a bandanna across his face and a large cowboy hat, walks into the saloon, pulls his pistols and start blowing the place to pieces. Finally, from behind the bar the scared bartender not recognising the dog, bleats, "W-w-w-w-why d-d-d-d-did you d-d-do th-th-that?" To which the dog replies in a slow drawl, "You shot my paw."
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  #1014  
Old 04.03.2012, 17:52
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I like this one
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  #1015  
Old 04.03.2012, 20:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

For those of you who are a bit stressed. You need a vacation

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  #1016  
Old 06.03.2012, 15:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Planning for his passing.
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  #1017  
Old 11.03.2012, 12:47
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1018  
Old 11.03.2012, 13:01
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Statistics show 25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness ......
thats scary...
75% of the mad bastards are running about on no medication at all!
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  #1019  
Old 14.03.2012, 21:10
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said "Oh, it's the peanuts--they're complimentary."
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  #1020  
Old 26.03.2012, 13:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A good pickup line
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