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  #1021  
Old 26.03.2012, 23:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to open a beer can?
>None. The bitch should have had it open when she brought it.
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  #1022  
Old 30.03.2012, 12:26
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this:O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Well done!" says the judge.. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your arsehole before prison...
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  #1023  
Old 07.04.2012, 12:28
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Just Visiting

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.


"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.


"German," she replies.


"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."
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  #1024  
Old 07.04.2012, 19:37
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Happy Easter
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  #1025  
Old 09.04.2012, 17:31
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Back in India Sardarji's (Sikh's) are the butt of all jokes. No offences intended.

Here's one:

One day Sardarji is fed up that he is involved in every joke.
He goes and asks his wife "Tell me one good joke in which I am not involved."
Wife says: " I'm Pregnant"
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  #1026  
Old 03.05.2012, 00:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I went to the event 17clarence organised here. No one else from EF turned up, but I still had a great time.
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  #1027  
Old 03.05.2012, 00:20
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Maybe that's why youdid had a great time!!
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  #1028  
Old 03.05.2012, 16:45
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Me and the wife have hit rock bottom moneywise, and as she went through with her abortion because we couldn't afford to keep the baby, I knew what it meant for us both.


Soup for dinner
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  #1029  
Old 03.05.2012, 16:48
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom. I sprinkled some more over the bed. I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table. I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening ever. I was quite nervous...


Now all I needed was the perfect way to introduce myself
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  #1030  
Old 03.05.2012, 17:05
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts. "Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree! We're saved!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa, hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run! Ees not a Bacon Tree! Ees a... Ees a..."
"Yes, Pepe? Ees a what..?"
"Ees... a... ham bush."
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  #1031  
Old 08.05.2012, 12:37
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I went to a feminist picnic the other day. It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches
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  #1032  
Old 08.05.2012, 18:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Got back from the pub last night and saw two young lads running out the back door.

Had to ring the police to let them know I'd been robbed.

''What's been taken?'' said the officer

''A TV and a couple of mobile phones'' I said

''Anything else?'' she said?

''Yeah my laptop as well, and if you manage to get it back, they looked like the type of sick bastards that would put loads of child porn on it''
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  #1033  
Old 08.05.2012, 20:05
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
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Got back from the pub last night and saw two young lads running out the back door.

Had to ring the police to let them know I'd been robbed.

''What's been taken?'' said the officer

''A TV and a couple of mobile phones'' I said

''Anything else?'' she said?

''Yeah my laptop as well, and if you manage to get it back, they looked like the type of sick bastards that would put loads of child porn on it''

CORKER!!!
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  #1034  
Old 08.05.2012, 20:24
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
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  #1035  
Old 17.05.2012, 12:25
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

This one is not really a joke, in the regular sense, but it made me laugh!

An "issue" between neighbours ... I'm sure many of you will appreciate such communications!

http://m.9gag.com/gag/4169005
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  #1036  
Old 17.05.2012, 13:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL!!!

Tears still rolling down my face. Haven't laughed so much in ages.
Made my day!

Quote:
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This one is not really a joke, in the regular sense, but it made me laugh!

An "issue" between neighbours ... I'm sure many of you will appreciate such communications!

http://m.9gag.com/gag/4169005
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  #1037  
Old 17.05.2012, 22:39
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
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This one is not really a joke, in the regular sense, but it made me laugh!

An "issue" between neighbours ... I'm sure many of you will appreciate such communications!

http://m.9gag.com/gag/4169005
Thanks. Hilarious.
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  #1038  
Old 17.05.2012, 23:05
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
This one is not really a joke, in the regular sense, but it made me laugh!

An "issue" between neighbours ... I'm sure many of you will appreciate such communications!

http://m.9gag.com/gag/4169005
Hilarious

Actually originates from here ...

http://www.27bslash6.com/halogen.html

My other favorites from here are

http://www.27bslash6.com/p2p2.html
http://www.27bslash6.com/overdue.html
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  #1039  
Old 18.05.2012, 16:49
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Judging from Simon's apparently more recent LinkedIn pic, it must have been taken right after that exchange.
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  #1040  
Old 25.05.2012, 10:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Brain transplant

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.
This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
A few actually smirked.
But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked,
"Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team.
"Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."
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