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  #1041  
Old 25.05.2012, 18:46
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I saw a young girl collapse in the town centre so I ran over and gave mouth to mouth resuscitation. It didn't work so I started pumping her chest.

It probably wasn't the best time for a tit wank but what the hell.
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  #1042  
Old 25.05.2012, 18:50
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I was on the train from Grantham to Huddersfield the other day, sitting in the priority seats.

At Leeds, a disabled girl got on, and as suggested i offered her my seat.

Clearly offended she slapped me in the face... turns out she wasn't disabled, just ugly
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  #1043  
Old 30.05.2012, 14:57
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The ZIPPER
In a crowded New York City at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As
the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack
to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, she attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.


With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
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  #1044  
Old 30.05.2012, 17:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

My work colleague asked me, "Why do you keep a picture of your wife on your desk if you hate her so much?"

I replied, "In case I'm tempted to take a day off."
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  #1045  
Old 30.05.2012, 17:55
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

My boss called me today and said, "Where the hell are you?"

I said, "I'm relaxing in the garden with my mate Dave. I'm already on my fourth can of lager."

"I don't believe you!" he shouted.

"Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me. "Dave, isn't this my fourth can?"
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  #1046  
Old 30.05.2012, 18:26
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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"Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me. "Dave, isn't this my fourth can?"
Saw this somewhere else a couple of days ago (prolly the same place you did). Struck me then that I'd no idea why this was supposed to be funny.
Perhaps you could explain?
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  #1047  
Old 30.05.2012, 21:01
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The joke, such that it is, is that the boss doesn't believe his employee would be so insolent as to skive off work and actually just chill in the garden drinking beer. He must be ill, or his relative died, or he needs to look after his kids or some other such proper reason for skiving.

Jokes aren't funny when they're explained
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  #1048  
Old 30.05.2012, 22:47
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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The joke, such that it is, is that the boss doesn't believe his employee would be so insolent as to skive off work and actually just chill in the garden drinking beer. He must be ill, or his relative died, or he needs to look after his kids or some other such proper reason for skiving.

Jokes aren't funny when they're explained
Or beforehand. Maybe it's because it's too normal - the idea of skiving off and having a few beers at home by the pool is not exactly an odd one.

Some may call it 'working from home'...
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  #1049  
Old 31.05.2012, 18:03
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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My boss called me today and said, "Where the hell are you?"

I said, "I'm relaxing in the garden with my mate Dave. I'm already on my fourth can of lager."

"I don't believe you!" he shouted. (ie, No F'ing way, WTF are you playing at etc)

"Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me. "Dave, isn't this my fourth can?"(Thinks his boss is calling him a liar)


A guy with a gun enters in a bar.
- Who had sex with my wife?
A voice was heard in the background:
- You don`t have enough bullets mate!
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  #1050  
Old 04.06.2012, 16:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What did the hat say to the tie?

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  #1051  
Old 05.06.2012, 01:40
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

3 Blondes walk into a bar......the last one ducks.

How can you tell a Blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? There is M&M shells all over the floor.

Why did the Blonde woman get fired at the M&M Factory? She kept throwing away all the W's.

A pregnant blonde woman, a pregnant red head and a pregnant burnette woman are sitting around the house discussing what the sex of their babies are going to be.
The red head said thata her Doctor had told her that she will know if it is a boy or a girl by knowing which position they were having sex. The red head said she was on top, so the Doctor said in that case it is a going to be a boy.
The burnette woman's Doctor had said the same thing. She told the Doctor she was on bottom and the Doctor replied you are going to have a baby girl. Everyone so excited to hear what they were having except the blonde as she starts to cry.... The burnette and red headed woman ask the blonds what's the matter? Well, the blonde replies that her Doctor said the same thing and she replied to the Doctor that she was getting it from behind. I guess that means the blonde is having puppies.

A woman goes to her accountant to file her taxes and the accountant gets to the last question and asks the woman, What is your occupation? The woman replies hooker.
The accountant say well I think we should try to word your occupation differently. The woman then replies how about prostitute? The accountant says maybe we can think of something different.
So they stop and think about it for a few minutes and the woman says, How about a chicken farmer?
The accountant says chicken farmer? Why a chicken farmer?
The woman replies, Well I did raise 5,000 cocks last year!

A woman races into the supermarket to pick up a few things as she is on the way to pick up her son from a soccer game.
Realizing she is running late she hurries to the checkout lane and looks at the man and says, Sir can you hurry up and check me out?
The man behind the register looks her up and down and says, Nice tits.
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  #1052  
Old 08.06.2012, 19:28
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Here are a couple bad ones:

What do you get when you cross a toad and a galaxy?

Star Warts


What do you get when you cross a flea with a rabbit?


Bugs Bunny
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  #1053  
Old 12.06.2012, 12:50
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Why did General Sir Mike Jackson cross the road?

He didn't say.

And being General Sir Mike Jackson he is under no obligation to explain himself to anyone, so do run along.

*****

What steps would General Sir Mike Jackson take were he to come across an escaped lion?

He would use his chain of command to deploy suitable resources to neutralise the threat of the animal with a priority to minimising risk to human life, but seeking to humanely trap and return the lion to whichever zoological institute it had escaped from.

*****

How many General Sir Mike Jacksons does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. In the event that General Sir Mike Jackson is to be in an area necessitating artificial lighting, General Sir Mike Jackson will have deployed, in advance, all necessary men at his disposal (balancing the need to deploy them on other duties) to ensure that all electrical outlets are in order.

*****

Knock knock.
Who is there?
General Sir Michael David Jackson.
General Sir Michael David Jackson who?
General Sir Michael David 'Mike' Jackson GCB CBE DSO DL.
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  #1054  
Old 14.06.2012, 12:35
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Tommy, a young English guy, 18 years old, is going off on holiday abroad for the first time in his life.
He reckons he's going to get lucky while on holiday.
He wants to be prepared so he goes to the local chemist's shop.
Tommy: "I'd ...er... like some condoms, please."
Chemist: "Yes, sir. What size pack would you like?"
Tommy: "What pack sizes do you have?"
Chemist: "Well, they come in packs of six, nine and twelve."
Tommy: "Ah, right. So who uses packs of six?"
Chemist: "Oh, well, they're really popular with the Italians.
Once every day but never on Sundays."
Tommy: "Ah, right. And who buys packs of 9?"
Chemist: "Oh, they're very popular with the French.
Once every day and twice on Saturdays and Sundays."
Tommy: "And the packs with 12 in them?"
Chemist: "Very popular with the Germans, they are.
Once in January, once in February..."
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  #1055  
Old 16.06.2012, 09:49
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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1. Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor,doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at
him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside."
"...How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your oyster ... go
for it."

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad,or my
older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today."
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' "So
that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night


"My spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places."
Laughter is the best medicine.
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  #1056  
Old 22.06.2012, 14:04
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl,
"Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies
"Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says,
"OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates.
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
"Katrina, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies
"Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says,
"OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls
and one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says
"Mary, what seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies
"If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water,
I want to do It before Wendy sticks her ass in it."
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  #1057  
Old 24.06.2012, 11:10
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
" I'll have a pint please, and one for the road."
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  #1058  
Old 28.06.2012, 10:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom wont even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a coloured guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

" Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes "!!!! she said " He's got one hanging there"....!

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50......................He's the Window cleaner"!!!!!!!
__________________
That's for me to know.......and you NOT to find out!
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  #1059  
Old 28.06.2012, 15:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Halfway through my shift at Jessops, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his naked wife. Naturally, I had a little peek as I handed them over.

"Would you like the negatives?" I asked.

"Yes please," he said sheepishly.

I said, "Your wife's got saggy tits and a fat arse."
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  #1060  
Old 30.06.2012, 12:50
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian,
a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.

















The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."
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