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  #1121  
Old 14.02.2013, 08:52
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

he he he...
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  #1122  
Old 15.02.2013, 14:59
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow turned up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Blair stopped him, saying, "No thanks, Cherie will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you, Mr Cameron?"

Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".


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  #1123  
Old 18.02.2013, 18:19
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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C'mon. I've been waiting nearly a week now.

How?

Just like that
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  #1124  
Old 18.02.2013, 18:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man walks into the unfinished jokes bar.
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  #1125  
Old 20.02.2013, 16:41
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
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  #1126  
Old 28.02.2013, 15:59
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?"

'Well, ' said the camel, 'I think that's an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face.'
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  #1127  
Old 28.02.2013, 23:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1128  
Old 01.03.2013, 12:05
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Just like that
Seriously, its been almost a month...again we ask...how?
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  #1129  
Old 03.03.2013, 09:59
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
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  #1130  
Old 11.03.2013, 22:00
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1131  
Old 11.03.2013, 22:26
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Two nuns in the bath and one says 'where's the soap?'
and the other one replies 'it does, don't it'
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  #1132  
Old 13.03.2013, 16:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

"Go and have a look at the size of the s**t I've just done in the bathroom!" bloke said to missus.

"No thanks," she replied.

"Please, just one quick look," bloke says, "You won't believe it....it's a good two pounder."

Shaking her head in disbelief, she pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, ran out and said. "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it away."

Bloke says, "It's on the scales."
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  #1133  
Old 13.03.2013, 23:48
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

































Keep the tip!




Did I really just share that?
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  #1134  
Old 22.03.2013, 10:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Well, the flag's a big plus.
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  #1135  
Old 22.03.2013, 12:01
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Fernando Torres walks into a bar for a birthday drink and says, "I'll have a couple of shots, please." The barman says, "That's not like you."
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  #1136  
Old 24.03.2013, 18:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I was passing by Jakes hay shed one day last summer when through a gap in thedoorI see Jake doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old
red Massey Ferguson tractor.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets
His braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea-stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flatcap onto a pile of hay.

"What the F**k are you doing Jake?" I asked

"Jeez man, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously
Embarrassed Jake, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in
The bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something
sexy to a tractor".
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  #1137  
Old 03.04.2013, 13:00
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.

"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
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  #1138  
Old 04.04.2013, 16:03
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decidedto go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

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  #1139  
Old 26.04.2013, 15:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Man opens his door to find a policeman standing there. The policeman holds up a photo and says, "Is this your wife sir?"

The man answers that it is and the policeman says, "Well sir, I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

The man says, "I know, but she's a brilliant cook and she's ever so good with the kids."
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  #1140  
Old 26.04.2013, 15:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive
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