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  #1161  
Old 16.09.2013, 15:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Sorry, posts in off-topic don't count towards helping you shift your apartment.
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  #1162  
Old 16.09.2013, 20:53
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Teaching Maths in Britain

1. Teaching Maths 1970


A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths 1980


A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths 1990


A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths 2000


A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.


Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths 2005


A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths 2009


A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting..

The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realizes that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths 2010


A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitized debt related to sub-prime

mortgages in Surrey and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

8. Teaching Maths 2017

مسجل يبيع حمولة شاحنة من الخشب مقابل 100 دولار. نفقته هو 80٪ من السعر. ما هو الربح له؟

الجواب: 20 $
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  #1163  
Old 16.09.2013, 21:10
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Greek government workers using computers will loose 6 days annual holiday,

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-24085742 - sorry, that wasn't a very good joke!
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  #1164  
Old 17.09.2013, 16:00
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]


The Lone Ranger's Last Request






The
Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
by an enemy Indian War Party.








The Indian Chief proclaims,





"So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...





"In honour of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."


"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse."



The Chief nods and Silver is brought

before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent

and spends the night.


The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",



"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request?"



The Lone Ranger again asks to speak

to his horse.




Silver is brought to
him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears
over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns,
this time with a
voluptuous brunette,
more attractive than the blonde.

Â


She enters the Lone Rangers tent

and spends the night.


The following morning the Indian Chief

is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents,"


"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request?"


The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.





Once
they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,


"Listen Very Carefully!!!
FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...
"BRING POSSE, NOT PUSSY!"
























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  #1165  
Old 30.09.2013, 18:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some Nair hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some Nair hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

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  #1166  
Old 09.10.2013, 23:21
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1167  
Old 14.10.2013, 17:25
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Bob calls the RSPCA, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods with a vixen and 3 cubs in it."

"That's terrible," says the operator, "are they moving?"

"I don't know" says Bob, "but that would explain the suitcase."
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  #1168  
Old 16.10.2013, 16:22
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]


I went to an archaeologist’sparty last night to celebrate the discovery of a caveman's leg bone.

It was quite a shindig

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  #1169  
Old 16.10.2013, 16:45
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

abe & hymie are barristers who share everything... including their secy.

when she got pregnant, they promised to cover all expenses of the pregancy, birth and the raising, educating and later setting the child up in business.

well the day arrived and abe & hymie were in the hospital room for expectant dads. abe was nervous, pacing to & fro; finally he said, 'I can't take this waiting; I'm going down to the cafeteria, fetch me if there's any news.'

soon afterwards hymie made a silent & spectral appearance. abe said 'what's happened?'

hymie: it was twins. but sadly, mine died.
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  #1170  
Old 17.10.2013, 10:25
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I went to the doctor and he took one look at me and said "You need to stop masturbating".

I said "Why?"

He said "Because I'm trying to examine you".
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  #1171  
Old 17.10.2013, 16:40
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

thank you for the jokes, I love reading them!
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  #1172  
Old 24.10.2013, 10:35
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A sheepdog goes to his farmer and says -'I've brought home your 40 sheep'. The farmer says 'You can't have, I only have 37'. The sheep dog says 'Yeah, I know but I rounded them up'.
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  #1173  
Old 24.10.2013, 10:36
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there, I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...

I thought to myself, "these blokes have lost the plot"
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  #1174  
Old 24.10.2013, 10:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What is big and blue and eats rocks?

The Big Blue Rockeater.
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  #1175  
Old 24.10.2013, 10:40
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
What is big and blue and eats rocks?

The Big Blue Rockeater.
A big blue rock eater
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  #1176  
Old 24.10.2013, 11:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Researchers for the RSPB found over 200 dead crows in Camborne recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

The RSPB then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah," not a single one could shout "Truck."
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  #1177  
Old 27.10.2013, 16:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1178  
Old 29.10.2013, 09:29
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The Irish Hooker
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.
'Twenty pound,” she whispers.
Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell, it's only twenty pound. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, needer did I,' says Paddy, 'til ya shoined dat fokin light in her face!

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  #1179  
Old 29.10.2013, 17:28
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
''Mrs. Sanders, please."
'Speaking."
''Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr.
Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good."
''What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for HIV(AIDS). We can't tell which is which."
''That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Obamacare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now?" '
'The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
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  #1180  
Old 30.10.2013, 09:56
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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