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  #101  
Old 28.03.2008, 18:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Jokes that sound funnier to hear than possibly they do to read....


A man walks into a butchers...
Man: Can I have a steak and kiddelly pie please?
Butcher: Don't you mean a steak and kidney pie?
Man: That's what I said....diddle I?


Here's one my brother told me a long time ago. All the way through it he was convulsed with laughter in anticipation of the punch line to the point where I too was already laughing and cracked up when I heard it. I just can't imagine anyone reading the joke to find it that funny at all!.....


A guy living in an old fashioned sort of house discovers that one of the most beautiful girls he has ever seen has moved in next door to him. He quickly falls in love and longs to hold her in his arms and make sweet passionate love to her, but he's a chronically shy bloke and, after a couple of weeks have gone by, he hasn't summoned up enough courage to even speak to her, let alone ask her out. All he can bring himself to do is to stare out of the window at her whenever she walks down to the end of her garden to go to the toilet ( I did mention the houses were old fashioned!)

One day he finds himself talking over his troubles with a mate in the pub.

"Listen" says his mate "what you're missing is that all important opening line. Once you've got in with that and impressed her, it'll be all plain sailing from there.".

"Yes" responds the guy, "I'm sure it would be, but I just can't think of anything al all to say to her, let alone anything that would impress her".

His mate looks at him with pity in his eyes and decides he needs to lay it on a plate for this guy.

"Right" he says, "the next time you see her in the garden, lean across the fence and tell her that the flowers in her garden are looking lovely, but there's nothing lovelier in the garden than her own good self".

The guys looks at his mate with awe. "That's brilliant!" he says, "that's exactly what I'm going to tell her the very next time I see her!".

So the next day, the guys in his house, brimming with new found confidence, when he spies his next door neighbour walking up to the end of the garden to the outside loo. This time, instead of gazing at her intently from the safety of his own house, he rushes to find a mirror, slicks down his hair, and dashes outside to await her return. Sure enough, after about 10 minutes, she's walking back up the garden...

"Hello there" he says confidently leaning over the garden fence

"Oh,,,hello" she sweetly replies

"The flowers in your garden look lovely" he says and then goes on to say.." but there's nothing lovelier in the garden than your good self!"

At this she turns a shade of pink which he thinks makes her even more beautiful than he's ever seen her before...

"Oh. thank you" she says " that really is so very sweet of you."

And then the guy, pleased at punch that he's finally broken the ice and come up with a line that's impressed her, then continues more naturally....

"So.....you just been for a sh*t then?"

Last edited by Tim; 28.03.2008 at 18:45.
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  #102  
Old 28.03.2008, 18:50
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman "Got any bread?"
The barman responds in the negative.
The duck asks "Got any bread?"
A little confused, the barman again confirms that he doesn't.
The duck asks "Got any bread?"
Getting a little frustrated with this the barman responds. " I already bloody told you twice, no I don't have and ****ing bread!"
The duck asks "Got any bread?"
Completly losing it the barman screams "If you ask me one more ****ing time if I've got an bread I'm going to nail your beak to the bar!"
The duck asks "Got any nails?"
Bemused the barman reluctantly admits that he doesn't have any nails.
The duck asks "Got any bread?"
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  #103  
Old 28.03.2008, 18:53
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Did you hear about the Irish guy who put on the condom backwards?


He went!
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  #104  
Old 28.03.2008, 18:57
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I had to look for this one on the web, because I don't know it by heart, but I do love it...

The religious definitions of **** happens:
  • Taoism: **** happens.
  • Confucianism: Confucius say, "**** happens."
  • Buddhism: If **** happens, it isn't really ****.
  • Zen Buddhism: **** is, and is not.
  • Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of **** happening?
  • Hinduism: This **** has happened before.
  • Islam: If **** happens, it is the will of Allah.
  • Islam #2: If **** happens, kill the person responsible.
  • Islam #3: If **** happens, blame Israel.
  • Catholicism: If **** happens, you deserve it.
  • Protestantism: Let **** happen to someone else.
  • Presbyterian: This **** was bound to happen.
  • Episcopalian: It's not so bad if **** happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
  • Methodist: It's not so bad if **** happens, as long as you serve Grape juice with it.
  • Congregationalist: **** that happens to one person is just as good as **** that happens to another.
  • Unitarian: **** that happens to one person is just as bad as **** that happens to another.
  • Lutheran: If **** happens, don't talk about it.
  • Fundamentalism: If **** happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
  • Fundamentalism #2: If **** happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
  • Fundamentalism #3: **** must be born again.
  • Judaism: Why does this **** always happen to us?
  • Calvinism: **** happens because you don't work.
  • Seventh Day Adventism: No **** shall happen on Saturday.
  • Creationism: God made all ****.
  • Secular Humanism: **** evolves.
  • Christian Science: When **** happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
  • Christian Science #2: **** happening is all in your mind.
  • Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this ****.
  • Quakers: Let us not fight over this ****.
  • Utopianism: This **** does not stink.
  • Darwinism: This **** was once food.
  • Capitalism: That's MY ****.
  • Communism: It's everybody's ****.
  • Feminism: Men are ****.
  • Chauvinism: We may be ****, but you can't live without us...
  • Commercialism: Let's package this ****.
  • Impressionism: From a distance, **** looks like a garden.
  • Idolism: Let's bronze this ****.
  • Existentialism: **** doesn't happen; **** IS.
  • Existentialism #2: What is ****, anyway?
  • Stoicism: This **** is good for me.
  • Hedonism: There is nothing like a good **** happening!
  • Mormonism: God sent us this ****.
  • Mormonism #2: This **** is going to happen again.
  • Wiccan: An it harm none, let **** happen.
  • Scientology: If **** happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
  • Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< **** happens.
  • Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our ****?
  • Jehovah's Witnesses #3: **** has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
  • Moonies: Only really happy **** happens.
  • Hare Krishna: **** happens, rama rama.
  • Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this ****!
  • Zoroastrianism: **** happens half on the time.
  • Church of SubGenius: BoB ****s.
  • Practical: Deal with **** one day at a time.
  • Agnostic: **** might have happened; then again, maybe not.
  • Agnostic #2: Did someone ****?
  • Agnostic #3: What is this ****?
  • Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
  • Atheism: What ****?
  • Atheism #2: I can't believe this ****!
  • Nihilism: No ****.

  • And of course we must add...Alcoholics Anonymous: **** happens-one day at a time!
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  #105  
Old 30.03.2008, 18:05
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Adult Fairytales

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother
won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy
godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything
she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will
turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes
and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m.
Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm
was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of
power! Tell me his name!"

Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, .. Peter, Peter,
something or other..."
__________________________________________________ ____

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to
visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and
Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
_____________________________________________

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly
the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword
to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic
basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said,
"No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
_____________________________________________

MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge
said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's
Goofy."

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  #106  
Old 30.03.2008, 18:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A Chav girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
How many children?" asks the council worker.
10" replies the Chav girl
10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne

and Wayne.
Doesn't that get confusing?"
Naah..." says the Chav girl "its great because if they are out playing
in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY OR

WAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
council worker.
That's easy," says the Chav girl... "I just use their surnames"

A Chav girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on
the counter. I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress."she
says.
Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
No" she replies.
This time it's mayonnaise."



An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices
something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz
one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"

So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
Well, oim a little forgetfull you see. The one wit the R on it is for me

roight foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"
Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave

got C&A on them.




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  #107  
Old 30.03.2008, 18:37
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!"
You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-café. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said:
"You've Got Male"
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  #108  
Old 01.04.2008, 11:03
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]


Farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all his cows
frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like
statues.


It had been a cold night but he'd never thought anything like this
would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With
his entire livestock gone how would he make ends meet? How would he
feed his wife and kids ? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his
head in his hands trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.


Just then an elderly woman walked by. "What's the matter?" asked the
old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his
predicament to the woman.


Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the
cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon
back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one the old woman defrosted
the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.


The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a
repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across
the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the
farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by. "No"
said the farmer. ......................... .......................
>
>
>>
>
>
>
>
>
"That was Thora Hird"
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  #109  
Old 03.04.2008, 18:05
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Enjoying the thread, here's a small contribution:

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: Two scoops of ice-cream, one scoop of dead baby.

kodokan
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  #110  
Old 03.04.2008, 19:18
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of vibrators...........................

Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters !!!
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  #111  
Old 06.04.2008, 17:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
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  #112  
Old 06.04.2008, 23:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses?
Nothing. He doesnt recognise them.

Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead

Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It was glued to the first elephant

Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game

Why did the tree fall down?
It thought it was an elephant

What's the definition of optimism?
An elephant hanging over the edge of a cliff with her tail tied to a daisy

Last edited by Buttercupbananatush; 06.04.2008 at 23:21. Reason: forgot one
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  #113  
Old 07.04.2008, 08:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

¨
A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
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  #114  
Old 07.04.2008, 16:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the
“Chicken Surprise”

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the
pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes
looking around before the lid slams back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband.
He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for
it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes
looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is
happening, and demands an explanation.

“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”
The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.”
Ahh… so sorry,” says the waiter, “I bring you Peeking Duck”
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  #115  
Old 07.04.2008, 16:36
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T’PAU! I said “Don’t you mean KAPOW?? He said “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”
.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End’

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue.” I said “No, just a watch.”

I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.” The bloke said “Kenwood” I said, “Where is he?”

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”
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  #116  
Old 07.04.2008, 18:04
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand and says, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say 'F**k,' the Rottweiler ate him!"
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  #117  
Old 07.04.2008, 22:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest:

“Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week
for the last two months."
This time the priest asks: "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall
upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the
Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green
shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks: "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies: "No Father, I think its just the reflection off
her shoes".
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  #118  
Old 08.04.2008, 12:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?" said the owner.

"A female horth" the dwarf replies

So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe Teeth....

Can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again,

Picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth.' he says 'Now...can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff

of his neck and shoves his head deep inside

the horse's fanny. He holds him there for a couple of seconds

before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says:

"Perhaps I should weefwaze that... Can I see her wun awound?"


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  #119  
Old 08.04.2008, 15:15
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

So I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I take out The Elephant Man?” He said, “He’s not your type.” I said “How about Batman Forever?” He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow”

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”

So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?” He said, “I’m not stopping you!”

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that’s Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said “I careered off the road”
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Last edited by swisscath; 08.04.2008 at 16:16.
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Old 08.04.2008, 19:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Things to learn from the movies:

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. There is never any dust or lint in the ventilation ducts.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

At night, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames or explode.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
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