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  #1201  
Old 27.11.2013, 23:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Nigella Lawson has been inconsolable since her divorce from Charles Saatchi. She just keeps shouting out, "charlie, charlie, where's my ing charlie?"
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  #1202  
Old 28.11.2013, 12:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Nigella Lawson has been inconsolable since her divorce from Charles Saatchi. She just keeps shouting out, "charlie, charlie, where's my ing charlie?"
Good one
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  #1203  
Old 28.11.2013, 15:15
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

This one is dedicated to Peter.Vernon

The difference between Officers and NCOs.

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.
Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.
Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'

The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'

The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question,

'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly,

'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said,

'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'

'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears.'
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  #1204  
Old 09.12.2013, 10:04
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Texan, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, and a Norwegian walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
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  #1205  
Old 10.12.2013, 12:02
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or
her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting „
England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest, please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They
won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-
free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented
in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple
of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir.. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."
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  #1206  
Old 10.12.2013, 12:52
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"..........
Brilliant
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  #1207  
Old 11.12.2013, 08:26
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

So these two dogs are in the waiting room at the vet's.

First one goes: what are you here for?

Second one replies: Getting de-bollocked. Boss cannot understand that it's just in my nature to hump his leg, and it's nothing perverse or personal, just a dog's nature.

First one: Oh I so know what you mean! The other day my boss came out of the shower and dropped her earring - and before I knew it I jumped on her from behind! It's just our nature.

Second: Aha, so you're here to get de-bollocked too?

First: No, nails clipped.
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  #1208  
Old 18.12.2013, 14:08
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

-I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Something about German sausage are the wurst.

-How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

-This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

-I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

-I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

-They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

-PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

-We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

-Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

-When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

-Broken pencils are pointless.

-I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

-I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

-I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

-I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

-Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

-Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

-When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

-I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
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  #1209  
Old 18.01.2014, 09:22
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]


Last edited by Verbier; 18.01.2014 at 09:23. Reason: link problem
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  #1210  
Old 20.01.2014, 14:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

UKIP Shipping news:


https://soundcloud.com/#nicholas-peg...pping-forecast
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  #1211  
Old 20.01.2014, 15:07
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I heard a great Jewish joke when I was home:

"Check, please."
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  #1212  
Old 20.01.2014, 15:19
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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I heard a great Jewish joke when I was home:

"Check, please."
I heard a great Czech joke when I was home:

"Jew, please."
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  #1213  
Old 20.01.2014, 17:13
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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I heard a great Czech joke when I was home:

"Jew, please."
That's undeniably the terriblest! You outdid yourself.

Reminds me the "jewbox" my little girl always left to school with, for years (as opposed to the "juice-box").
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  #1214  
Old 20.01.2014, 17:39
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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(as opposed to the "juice-box").
Is that when more than one Jew has joint ownership in one box?
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  #1215  
Old 20.01.2014, 18:48
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Is that when more than one Jew has joint ownership in one box?
I think she was the only one.

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  #1216  
Old 20.01.2014, 19:01
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An American, an Englishman and an Iraqi drink a beer together in Baghdad. The american drinks his beer, thrown the empty glas in the air, shoot and smash it into pieces:
- In the US, glases are so cheap that we don't have to drink twice in the same one.
The Englishman tries to impress too, so he drinks his beer too, throw the empty glas in the air and shoot, destroying it the same way:
- In England, we have so much sand, we can make new ones endlessly and don't have to drink twice in the same glas.
The Iraqi drinks, throw the empty glas in the air and shoot the American and the Englishman dead:
- In Iraq, we have so many Americans and Englishmen than we don't have to drink twice with the same ones.
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  #1217  
Old 20.01.2014, 19:42
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What happens when the whorehouse burns down?
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  #1218  
Old 20.01.2014, 21:08
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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I think she was the only one.

My "plural" joke was that bad huh?

(Lucky it was in the right thread)
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  #1219  
Old 21.01.2014, 09:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1220  
Old 21.01.2014, 12:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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