Go Back   English Forum Switzerland > Off-Topic > Off-Topic > Jokes/funnies
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1221  
Old 24.01.2014, 12:51
amogles's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Zurich
Posts: 8,411
Groaned at 141 Times in 122 Posts
Thanked 14,611 Times in 6,217 Posts
amogles has a reputation beyond reputeamogles has a reputation beyond reputeamogles has a reputation beyond reputeamogles has a reputation beyond reputeamogles has a reputation beyond reputeamogles has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They asked if I could drive a truck.
Reply With Quote
  #1222  
Old 24.01.2014, 14:02
swisscub's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Zurich
Posts: 295
Groaned at 15 Times in 2 Posts
Thanked 175 Times in 85 Posts
swisscub has earned the respect of manyswisscub has earned the respect of manyswisscub has earned the respect of many
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Three nuns have gone lost in the desert... during the day the red hot sun was sizzling the ladies like sausages on a grill, and at night the clear sky froze the bunch to the bones. De-hydrated and thirsty without any water, all they had left was a small bag of flour...

As they sat by the fireplace at night, one of the nuns came up with an idea how to sort out at least a few of their issues: "let's kneel over the flour and piss on it. We can then make at least some dough and eventually some bread over the fireplace to keep the hunger down and if we eat it whilst it's warm it'll keep us from freezing too much!"...

The nuns all looked with a slight face of disgust, but eventually, they all nodded to each other, and so the first one got up, knelt over the flour, squeezed and... nothing! Not a single drop... "I can't! I just can't pee! I try and try but nothing! I guess I'm just too dehydrated!" and so she returned all disappointed back to the fireplace...

"Okay" said nun number two, helped herself up, walked over to the flour, knelt over it and squeezed. She returns to the fireplace just as disappointed as nun #1, shakes her head, and repeats almost the same words: "It didn't work - I tried and tried, but not a single drop!"...

Nun number three gets up with an angered look on her face about the failure of her two sisters, walks to the plate of flour, kneels over it, squeezes over it and........








farts a massive blast onto the plate which blows every little bit of flour away!"... She looks up all red-headed to her sisters with a shocked face and...




...they all burst out and pissed themselves with laughter!!!


(I can't actually tell this joke in person without cracking up too much!!)
Reply With Quote
  #1223  
Old 30.01.2014, 10:59
Verbier's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Lully VD
Posts: 3,460
Groaned at 11 Times in 11 Posts
Thanked 3,261 Times in 1,716 Posts
Verbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Reply With Quote
  #1224  
Old 30.01.2014, 11:05
PaddyG's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Pensier, Fribourg
Posts: 8,296
Groaned at 107 Times in 91 Posts
Thanked 14,219 Times in 5,025 Posts
PaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I recently subscribed to "Chiropracter Weekly", but haven't really had time to read them all; I have a lot of back issues.
Reply With Quote
  #1225  
Old 30.01.2014, 11:07
Verbier's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Lully VD
Posts: 3,460
Groaned at 11 Times in 11 Posts
Thanked 3,261 Times in 1,716 Posts
Verbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Reply With Quote
  #1226  
Old 02.03.2014, 02:23
Rob's Avatar
Rob Rob is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Baden AG
Posts: 392
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 360 Times in 182 Posts
Rob has earned the respect of manyRob has earned the respect of manyRob has earned the respect of many
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The UKIP keyboard

Reply With Quote
  #1227  
Old 07.03.2014, 15:28
Castro's Avatar
à la mod
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Basel-Land of Smiles
Posts: 4,773
Groaned at 91 Times in 73 Posts
Thanked 12,711 Times in 4,143 Posts
Castro has a reputation beyond reputeCastro has a reputation beyond reputeCastro has a reputation beyond reputeCastro has a reputation beyond reputeCastro has a reputation beyond reputeCastro has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Two sheep in a field. The larger one walks up to the smaller one and says:

"Wot ewe looking at?"

Reply With Quote
  #1228  
Old 24.03.2014, 15:38
Deep Purple's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: England
Posts: 5,147
Groaned at 15 Times in 14 Posts
Thanked 5,006 Times in 2,455 Posts
Deep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond reputeDeep Purple has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

As it is getting close to Easter, here is one in German, and with the English version
Attached Thumbnails
repertoire-terrible-jokes-i-challenge-you-hasenwitz.jpg   repertoire-terrible-jokes-i-challenge-you-48-easter.jpg  
Reply With Quote
  #1229  
Old 24.03.2014, 16:00
aSwissInTheUS's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Zurich area
Posts: 5,062
Groaned at 40 Times in 38 Posts
Thanked 7,138 Times in 3,241 Posts
aSwissInTheUS has a reputation beyond reputeaSwissInTheUS has a reputation beyond reputeaSwissInTheUS has a reputation beyond reputeaSwissInTheUS has a reputation beyond reputeaSwissInTheUS has a reputation beyond reputeaSwissInTheUS has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
[Hockey cup 1874 and helmet 1974]
The order is right but the years less appart:
Cup 1927
Helmet 1928 (First use(?) in a NHL game)

Now a joke:

This lady was selling a cover for breastfeeding and I was thinking: Why a cover breastfeeding? It is a natural thing. You only need a cover while eating a Ortelon Blunting but never for Great Tits!
Reply With Quote
  #1230  
Old 25.03.2014, 15:28
Newbie 1st class
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Zurich
Posts: 11
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
viktnil has no particular reputation at present
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

- Mom, they called me hairy in school!
- OMG a talking monkey!
- Mooooooom!
- ...and it says mom! I'll keep it!
Reply With Quote
  #1231  
Old 25.03.2014, 17:42
AbFab's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Zürich
Posts: 6,506
Groaned at 304 Times in 201 Posts
Thanked 8,082 Times in 2,889 Posts
AbFab has a reputation beyond reputeAbFab has a reputation beyond reputeAbFab has a reputation beyond reputeAbFab has a reputation beyond reputeAbFab has a reputation beyond reputeAbFab has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

This girl asked me for an example of a double entendre - so I gave her one...
Reply With Quote
  #1232  
Old 26.03.2014, 12:06
MidfieldGeneral's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Zürich
Posts: 1,415
Groaned at 54 Times in 51 Posts
Thanked 2,573 Times in 1,084 Posts
MidfieldGeneral has a reputation beyond reputeMidfieldGeneral has a reputation beyond reputeMidfieldGeneral has a reputation beyond reputeMidfieldGeneral has a reputation beyond reputeMidfieldGeneral has a reputation beyond reputeMidfieldGeneral has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "OK give me a clue"

Beckham says "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over 100 caps for England. Is that enough?"

Driver replies "No you thick twat, where do you want to go ?"
Reply With Quote
  #1233  
Old 26.03.2014, 17:11
Verbier's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Lully VD
Posts: 3,460
Groaned at 11 Times in 11 Posts
Thanked 3,261 Times in 1,716 Posts
Verbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Reply With Quote
  #1234  
Old 27.03.2014, 15:15
Rob's Avatar
Rob Rob is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Baden AG
Posts: 392
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 360 Times in 182 Posts
Rob has earned the respect of manyRob has earned the respect of manyRob has earned the respect of many
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I'm in a really screwed up mood at the moment, I'm seeing things.

I looked out the window and thought that I'd seen a flying German sausage. Turned out it was a bird.

I told the doctor I'd taken a tern for the wurst.
Reply With Quote
  #1235  
Old 27.03.2014, 15:20
Ttamasle's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: ZH, AaA
Posts: 765
Groaned at 6 Times in 4 Posts
Thanked 895 Times in 325 Posts
Ttamasle has a reputation beyond reputeTtamasle has a reputation beyond reputeTtamasle has a reputation beyond reputeTtamasle has a reputation beyond reputeTtamasle has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
I'm in a really screwed up mood at the moment, I'm seeing things.

I looked out the window and thought that I'd seen a flying German sausage. Turned out it was a bird.

I told the doctor I'd taken a tern for the wurst.
I must admit, that was punny.
Reply With Quote
  #1236  
Old 28.03.2014, 14:41
MidfieldGeneral's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Zürich
Posts: 1,415
Groaned at 54 Times in 51 Posts
Thanked 2,573 Times in 1,084 Posts
MidfieldGeneral has a reputation beyond reputeMidfieldGeneral has a reputation beyond reputeMidfieldGeneral has a reputation beyond reputeMidfieldGeneral has a reputation beyond reputeMidfieldGeneral has a reputation beyond reputeMidfieldGeneral has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A squirrel living in a pine tree one day feels a shaking, looks down, and sees an elephant climbing the tree.

The squirrel asks, "What are you doing climbing my tree?"

"Well, I'm coming up here to eat some pears," says the elephant.

"You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears."

"Well I brought my own pears."
Reply With Quote
  #1237  
Old 28.03.2014, 14:44
Newbie
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Zurich
Posts: 9
Groaned at 1 Time in 1 Post
Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts
SarahKW has no particular reputation at present
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Question: Why do the V-formations of birds flying south for the winter always have one side longer than the other?

Answer: More birds.
Reply With Quote
  #1238  
Old 03.04.2014, 21:36
Sbrinz's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Murten - Morat
Posts: 10,978
Groaned at 542 Times in 342 Posts
Thanked 10,579 Times in 5,411 Posts
Sbrinz has a reputation beyond reputeSbrinz has a reputation beyond reputeSbrinz has a reputation beyond reputeSbrinz has a reputation beyond reputeSbrinz has a reputation beyond reputeSbrinz has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Reply With Quote
  #1239  
Old 03.04.2014, 23:14
Newbie
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Zurich
Posts: 5
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 4 Times in 1 Post
Ana2014 has no particular reputation at present
Punography

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.

The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Reply With Quote
  #1240  
Old 03.04.2014, 23:20
Newbie
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Zurich
Posts: 5
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 4 Times in 1 Post
Ana2014 has no particular reputation at present
Middle Wife
By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."
Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!

--------------------------------------------------------------

Brian, one of the worlds greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his Dr. one day at the supermarket. “Doc!” Brian exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!” “Wow! What wonderful news Brian! I’m so happy for you!” his Dr. exclaimed. “Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Brian. “There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now!


------------------------------------------------------------------

Due to a job transfer, Brian moved from his hometown to New York City. Being that he had a very comprehensive health history, he brought along all of his medical paperwork, when it came time for his first check up with his new Doctor. After browsing through the extensive medical history, the Doctor stared at Brian for a few moments and said, ” Well there’s one thing I can say for certain, you sure look better in person than you do on paper!”

Last edited by 3Wishes; 04.04.2014 at 01:22. Reason: merging successive posts
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
funnies, punography




Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 7 (0 members and 7 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
EF Challenge: Number plate cushions litespeed Transportation/driving 42 30.08.2013 23:54
Website Challenge Lob Jokes/funnies 38 01.07.2008 22:01
I think I may be making a terrible mistake !! gypsy21 Daily life 66 27.04.2007 00:09
Ski Challenge Nickj General off-topic 0 04.12.2006 13:33


All times are GMT +2. The time now is 23:27.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0