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  #1281  
Old 19.08.2014, 17:45
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Own goal, St.Gallen versus Bern, by Milan Gajic



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  #1282  
Old 20.08.2014, 10:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed

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They ran out of scaffolding.
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  #1283  
Old 21.08.2014, 15:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Prisoner asks his cell mate:
"What are you in for?"
"Shagging dogs."
"Ugh, how low can you get!"
"Dachshund!"
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  #1284  
Old 10.09.2014, 13:25
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man at a cafe was observing two government labourers working on the other side of the street. One worker was digging a hole in the ground, and the other followed him up by filling the hole up with the dirt just removed by the first worker.

The man kept staring at this as he finished his coffee, and eventually curiosity got the better of him and he walked over to the two workers and asked what they were doing.

"We're part of the government's new environmental programme to plant more trees," says one of the workers.

"What trees?" asks the man, "You're digging a hole in the ground and then just filling it up again. What is that achieving? You're just wasting taxpayers' money!"

"Oh no, sir," replies the worker, "You see, normally there's three of us on the job - I dig the hole, John puts the tree in and Jerry fills up the hole. John's sick today, but that's no reason why we can't continue doing our jobs."
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  #1285  
Old 10.09.2014, 16:20
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Why do they have this hanging above the bed?

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  #1286  
Old 10.09.2014, 17:08
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

My fav joke..

What's six inches long and starts with a P




A shit
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  #1287  
Old 16.09.2014, 17:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father " Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son.....go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!" "Well there you have it, son," said his dad.
Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."
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  #1288  
Old 16.09.2014, 17:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow cop.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says "Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says "What for?"

Glasgow cop says "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living s**t out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
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  #1289  
Old 17.09.2014, 14:43
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she Used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den.
He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'



No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


(I just love this)


'For fu*ks sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'


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  #1290  
Old 18.09.2014, 00:22
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I asked my boss to rate my performance of late, and he said it was "medium". I asked if he could explain further.

"Well," he went on, "your performance wasn't well done and it certainly wasn't rare!"
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  #1291  
Old 18.09.2014, 13:56
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man walks into doctor's office with two very red ears.

"What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well," the man says, "I was doing the ironing the other night and all of the sudden the phone rang. So I picked up the phone to answer it, but instead of answering the phone, I answered the iron."

"Alright," says the doctor, "but what happened to the other ear?"

The man replies, "The same idiot called back five minutes later!"
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  #1292  
Old 18.09.2014, 16:03
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The past, the present and the future walked into a room. It was tense!

A red ship and a blue ship collided. All the sailors were marooned.

Chuck Norris, Jesus and a priest are in a boat on a lake. Suddenly they realize that the boat has a hole in it. Jesus says he trusts the Lord to save him. so he steps out of the boat and walks on water. Chuck Norris also steps out of the boat and walks on water. The priest figures he should also trust in God and try it. He steps out of the boat and drowns.
Jesus: Maybe we should have told him about the stones directly below the surface.
Chuck Norris: Which stones?

What do you call a monkey in a mindfield? A baboom.

What do you get when you blow up a french bathroom? Linoleum blownapart.

Two atoms walk down the street. Suddenly one says: "Oh gosh, I think I lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes I'm positive!"

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft? A-flat minor.
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  #1293  
Old 18.09.2014, 16:41
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

How do you get a fat girl into bed?











Piece of cake!
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  #1294  
Old 18.09.2014, 17:16
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
How do you get a fat girl into bed?











Piece of cake!
While on the topic:
Why is a fat girl like a moped?















Good for a ride until your mates find out
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  #1295  
Old 23.09.2014, 16:29
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

All this talk of a woman with 3 breasts reminds me of a drunken comment.

Why is Switzerland like a woman with 3 vaginas?

Well like her, you are going to get screwed left, right and centre.

Last edited by RTN; 23.09.2014 at 16:59. Reason: missing text
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  #1296  
Old 28.09.2014, 10:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat as he is carrying the plate.

“Are you crazy?” complains the customer, “you have your thumb on my steak!”

“What,” answers the waiter, “you want it to fall on the floor again?”
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  #1297  
Old 29.09.2014, 11:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I asked my granddaughter the other day for a newspaper.

"Newspapers are old school, Grandad," she said, "Use my iPad instead."


Damn...that fly never knew what hit him...

Last edited by SoftBedPlease; 29.09.2014 at 12:20.
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  #1298  
Old 29.09.2014, 11:56
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What is Forrest Gumps email password?



1forrest1
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  #1299  
Old 29.09.2014, 12:40
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A bear had to take a shit so he went into the woods. As chance would have it, he found a rabbit doing to same. Squatting beside the hare, the bear asked, "Say, do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit finished up and shook his head, "None whatsoever."
Nodding, the bear completed his own chore. "That's good," he growled, and, grabbing the bunny, used him to wipe his ass.
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  #1300  
Old 29.09.2014, 19:16
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Harmless!

5 cats are on the ferry to France. Which number cat drowned before arrival?

Number 3, because the "trois quatre cinq"





... three cat sank!
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