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  #1301  
Old 01.10.2014, 13:03
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I think here is the best place for this:

Tetris - The movie.
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  #1302  
Old 01.10.2014, 14:02
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
What is Forrest Gumps email password?



1forrest1
I thought it would be
forrest3333

...because he can't see the forrest four the threes.
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  #1303  
Old 11.10.2014, 07:41
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

repertoire-terrible-jokes-i-challenge-you-image.jpg
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  #1304  
Old 14.10.2014, 17:10
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Two men enter a pet store and ask for 3,000 cockroaches.

"What do you need them for?" asks the shopkeeper.

"Well," explains one of the men, "our rental term is about to end, and our rental agreement says that we have to leave the apartment in the same state that we found it."
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  #1305  
Old 14.10.2014, 17:14
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man brings his old cuckoo clock to a German clock repairer.

"Vot zeems to be ze prroblehm?" asks the repairer in a thick accent.

"It's the clock," says the man, "It will 'tick' but it won't 'tock'".

The repairer switches off the lights to the room before rummaging through his tool bag and producing a small torch. He shines the torch onto the clock and says, "Vee haf vays of mehking you tock!"

(with apologies to all German people)
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  #1306  
Old 15.10.2014, 00:05
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A native Indian is sitting by the river with his youngest son, a few fields across he can hear the screams of his wife giving birth...
His son turns to him and asks: father what are going to name the baby?
The man replies: ah my son you see we have a very old tradition here, when your mother gives birth and her screams stop, for a split second, before the baby starts to cry there is peace. The most beautiful thing we see that moment is what we name the child.... For example your sisters name is great flying eagle and your brothers name is great brown bear... But tell me why do you ask two dogs ???
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  #1307  
Old 16.10.2014, 17:08
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I got a new job as a human cannonball. They said a man of my calibre can really go places.

First day on the job, I was fired!
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  #1308  
Old 21.10.2014, 17:10
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Oscar Pistorius has been recently sentanced to 5 years in prison. However experts say that he could only serve 10 months followed by 4 years of house arrest where authorities will monitor his movements with an ankle bracelet.
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  #1309  
Old 24.10.2014, 14:42
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Which dog does magic?

A labracadabrador
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  #1310  
Old 24.10.2014, 15:15
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I went to buy some camouflage pants but I couldn't find any.
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  #1311  
Old 24.10.2014, 16:42
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1312  
Old 24.10.2014, 17:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1313  
Old 28.10.2014, 17:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I went to my doctor and he said that I was fat.

I told him I wanted a second opinion.

"Fine," he said, "You're also ugly."
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  #1314  
Old 28.10.2014, 18:45
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]


An Adult Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there lived a King..
The King had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.


No matter what;
Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,



she will be cured.'

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit all the
King's wealth...

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.


But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .


The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red .



She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!




The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince's pants?






M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking??


I WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!!!


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  #1315  
Old 30.10.2014, 18:24
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a cent to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, "Uh... No, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

"Thirdly, "the lawyer said, "did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

And then the lawyer said, "So, if I don't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
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  #1316  
Old 30.10.2014, 18:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Congratulations West Ham, the only club named after two things that ISIS hate.
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  #1317  
Old 30.10.2014, 18:46
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

So you're probably wondering how I ended up being tonight's MC?

Well turns out the organising committee first called up the smartest person they know. But they turned down the MC gig.

So, they decided to be more realistic and just call up the best looking person they know. But they also turned down the gig.

Then, they decided to call the person who is the most agreeable and gets along with everyone. Wouldn't you believe it, they turned them down!

Finally, they called me...and I accepted, because it'd probably be bad form to turn them down a fourth time.

Feel free to use this one to open up any MC gigs you ever get in the future...
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  #1318  
Old 30.10.2014, 18:52
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Before a case was about to start, the judge called both lawyers to the bench.

"Mr Brown," said the judge, "I have from you an envelope which contains a bribe of $10,000 to influence this case. Is this correct?"

Mr Brown instantly turned red, but he sheepishly nodded in agreement.

The judge turned to the other lawyer. "Mr Green," said the judge, "I also have an envelope from you, which contains a bribe of $5,000. Is this correct?"

Mr Green turned red and sheepishly nodded.

The judge said, "Gentlemen, I believe in a fair, just and unbiased trial. Therefore, Mr Brown, here is $5,000 back, and now we are going to decide this case solely on its merits!"
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  #1319  
Old 30.10.2014, 18:58
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Australians may recognise this one...


I went out and bought some new dress boots. Proud as punch, I came into the kitchen where my missus was having a cup of tea. I did a jig around the kitchen, stood right in front of her and asked if she noticed anything different. She said "no".

Determined, I shot into the bedroom and took off all my clothes but kept my boots on. Went back out, did a jig around the kitchen, stark naked except for my new boots, stood in front of the missus and asked if she noticed anything now.

She said, "Well, it was hanging down before, it's hanging down now and I'll bet my bottom dollar it'll be hanging down next week."


Infuriated, I told her, "It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

She replied, "Well, you should've bought a new hat."
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  #1320  
Old 01.11.2014, 15:24
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Secretary is asking her boss: "Sir, could you loan me 500 bucks, please? I will pay you back, when you are free".
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