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  #121  
Old 08.04.2008, 20:06
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A couple more things that we can learn from the movies:

If you are chased down a city street in a car there will always be a stack of cardboard boxes in the way to run into.

However vigourous a fight you get into, if you win, you will not have a hair out of place.

The previous jokes are so bad they are brilliant. A touuch of Tommy Cooper I suspect.
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  #122  
Old 08.04.2008, 20:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What do you get when you cross an elephant and an ant?
A dead ant

What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
An elephant with spare parts

What did the peanut say to the elephant?
Nothing, peanuts cant talk

What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
Cinderelephant
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  #123  
Old 09.04.2008, 23:22
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*

*
*
"He should've quit while he was a head!"
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  #124  
Old 10.04.2008, 00:56
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

>>The Pope's Chauffeur
>> After getting Pope Benedict's entire luggage loaded into the
>>limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope
>>still standing on the curb.
>>
>> 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,' Would you please
>>take your seat so we can leave?'
>>
>>'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me
>>drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I'm Pope,
>>I'd really like to drive today.'
>>
>> 'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd
>>lose my
>>job!
>> And what if something should happen?' protests the driver,
>>wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
>>
>> 'Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in
>>it for you,' says the Pope with a smile.
>>
>> Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in
>>behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when,
>>after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the
>>limo to 105 mph.
>>
>> (Remember, he's German.)
>>
>> 'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver,
>>but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
>>'Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!' moans the
>>driver.
>>
>> The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop
>>approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his
>>motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,'
>>he says to the dispatcher.
>>
>> The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's
>>stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
>>
>> 'So bust him,' says the Chief.
>>
>> 'I don't think we want to do that, he's really big,' said the
>>cop.
>>
>> The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'
>>
>> 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of
>>persistence.
>>
>> The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'
>>
>> Cop: 'Bigger.'
>>
>> Chief: ' The Governor?'
>>
>> Cop: 'Bigger.'
>>
>> Chief: 'The President?'
>>
>> Cop: 'Bigger.'
>>
>> 'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
>>
>> Cop: 'I think it's God!'
>>
>> The Chief is stumped, ' You been drinking, John? '
>>
>> Cop: ' No Sir.'
>>
>> Chief : ' Then what makes you think it's God?'
>>
>> Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur.'
>>
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  #125  
Old 10.04.2008, 11:31
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Ignoranus: a person who’s both stupid and an arsehole.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffitti: Vandalism spray painted very very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon. It’s like when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer.

Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: all talk and no action.

Dopeler effect. The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
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  #126  
Old 10.04.2008, 11:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Actually I didn't think this one was all that "terrible"..

A man checks into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call.


'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'


She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'
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  #127  
Old 10.04.2008, 17:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub one day talking about their sons.

"My son was born on St George's day" said the Englishman, "so obviously we decided to call him George".

"Well thats funny, my son was born on St Andrew's day" remarked the Scotsman, "so we called him Andrew".

"What an incredible coincidence!" said the Irishman, "That's exactly what happened with our son Pancake!".
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  #128  
Old 11.04.2008, 10:52
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e., 10 mph over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop was stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."

And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied,
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."
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  #129  
Old 12.04.2008, 11:14
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Three elderly women were sitting on a park bench when they were approached by a flasher . Two of the women had a stroke, but the third was too far away to reach.


A policeman spots a blonde driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"

"No," she shouts back, "a scarf!"


Why has EDWARD WOODWARD got 4 D's in his name?

If he didn't, he would be EWAR WOOWAR.
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  #130  
Old 14.04.2008, 11:53
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'

The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'

'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

'Your turn,' says the man.

'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
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  #131  
Old 18.04.2008, 16:04
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Three strings walk into a bar. The first string says confidently, "I've got the first round, boys," and strides up to the bar. Bartender says, "Are you a string?" String says, "Yeah." Bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve strings here." String returns to his buddies, red-faced. "Looks like we aren't getting drinks after all, boys."

String #2 steps up and says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of this." He glides up, drops a twenty on the bar and shouts, "Three whiskeys for me and my buddies, friend!" Bartender looks him up and down, takes his twenty, and says, "Are you a string?" String #2 stands there dumbstruck, unable to even form even the simplest of replies. Bartender says, "Listen, pal, like I told your friend over there, we don't serve strings. Now, beat it."

"Well," says String #2 to his buddies, "That's that. It's over. Let's just go."

But just then, String #3 has an idea. He ties himself up in a big knot, frays the ends of himself with his pocketknife, and sidles up to the bar. "I'd like three whiskeys, please." Bartender looks at him and says, "Are you a string?"

"No" he says to the bartender, "I'm a frayed knot."
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  #132  
Old 21.04.2008, 13:21
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I haven't read all of these so I hope it hasn't been posted before.
What is white and glides across the floor?
Come dancing
BOOM BOOM
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  #133  
Old 21.04.2008, 17:37
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]


Before making his hospital rounds, the doctor likes to get an update on his patients from the on-duty nurse. . . .

Doctor: How does Mr. Smith feel about his recent brain surgery?
Nurse: He's still open-minded.

Doctor: How is the woman who had extensive plastic surgery?
Nurse: She hasn't lost face.

Doctor: How is the man who fell in the upholstery machine?
Nurse: He seems to be recovered.

Doctor: How is the showoff who got hurt on his ski trip?
Nurse: He's gone downhill fast.

Doctor: How is Mr. Midas, who was overcome by automobile fumes?
Nurse: Exhausted!

Doctor: How is the horse trainer who got trampled in the barn?
Nurse: His condition is stable.

Doctor: How is the woman whose left side is paralyzed?
Nurse: She's all right.

Doctor: How are the young twins?
Nurse: They're about the same.


Doctor: How is Mr. Corn?
Nurse: I'm afraid he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life.

Doctor: How is the forest ranger that had the tree fall on him?
Nurse: He isn't out of the woods yet.

Doctor: How is the sanitation worker?
Nurse: He's down in the dumps again.

Doctor: How is our chronic complainer?
Nurse: She's critical.

Doctor: How is the drilling rig operator?
Nurse: He's doing well.

Doctor: How is the man who thinks he is shrinking?
Nurse: I told him he would have to be a little patient.

Doctor: How is the mechanic who is addicted to drinking brake fluid?
Nurse: Doesn't think he has a problem, thinks he can stop anytime.

Doctor: How is the cemetary worker?
Nurse: He's in grave condition.

Doctor: How is the former orange juice factory worker?
Nurse: No wonder they canned him--he just doesn't concentrate.

Doctor: How is the meteorologist?
Nurse: He's still under the weather.

Doctor: How is the lady who accidently swallowed the helium balloon?
Nurse: She's up and around.

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  #134  
Old 21.04.2008, 19:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says………..


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
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  #135  
Old 21.04.2008, 21:48
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

my go....

A japanese dude walks into a bureau de change near Marble Arch and asks to change some yen into sterling. The clerk hands over £100 quid for the guys yen...

A week later the same japanese guy comes back and asks to change the same amount of yen into sterling...this time the clerk hands over £95....

The guy is outraged! "Last week you give me £100, why this week only £95!!??"

The clerk shrugs and says "Fluctuations...."

The japanese dude just looks at him and says "well...fluck you white guys too!"....
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  #136  
Old 25.04.2008, 15:59
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove".

"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really good".

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again".

"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing".

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love".

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
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  #137  
Old 25.04.2008, 16:23
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

ok I've avoided this thread but... one of my nieces started telling me jokes and it reminded me of an old englishman, irishman, scotsman joke so here goes

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman crash on a desert island where the only inhabitants are a fierce canabal tribe.

"You have one wish before we kill you and use your skins for canoes"

The Englishman wishes for a lovely roast dinner which he receives. Then the tribe kill him and use his skin to make a wonderful canoe.

The Scot wishes for a bottle of finest malt whiskey and then drinks himself into a stuppor before the tribe kill him and skin him to make a beautiful canoe

Finally, its the Irishman's turn. He requests a fork. "A Fork???" but a promise is a promise so the tribe give him a fork.

The Irishman begins to frantically stab himself all over with the fork crying "now see what kind of canoe you can make!"

(oh the shame of telling such a joke )
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  #138  
Old 25.04.2008, 17:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang,bang,clop clop clop?

An amish drive-by shooting
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  #139  
Old 25.04.2008, 17:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Swisscath, please tell me what you're on... and where can I get some
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  #140  
Old 25.04.2008, 20:15
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

One snowman turns to another snowman and says
"Can you smell carrots?"


2 Parrots are sitting on a perch, the one Parrot turns to the other Parrot and says: "can you smell fish?"


What succeeds ?

A toothless Parrot
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