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  #1421  
Old 30.01.2015, 12:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man was working alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of nowhere.

"...and what will your third wish be?"

The man looks at the genie and says, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie says, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," says the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "that was your first wish, too."
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  #1422  
Old 02.02.2015, 17:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Those of your familiar with French sweets (lollies, candies) may know of the CaramBar and the awful jokes they have inside.

I had two for the first time today. Here are some blagues françaises et horribles pour vous....

1. Pourquoi ne faut-il jamais raconter d'histoires drôles à un ballon? Parce qu'il pourrait éclater de rire!

2. Quel éclair ne fait pas peur? L'éclair au chocolat.

3. Comment appelle-t-on un chat tombé dans un pot de peinture au moment de Noël? Un chat peint de Noël.

4. Une maman kangourou dit a une autre: "Pourvu qu'il fasse beau. Je n'aime pas laisser les enfants jouer à l'interieur."

Translations below - highlight to read (note - becomes visible if this post is quoted):
1. Why should one never tell funny stories to a balloon? Because it can burst out laughing.
2. Which eclair do you not fear? A chocolate eclair. (pun joke - éclair in French means "lightning")
3. What do you call a cat who falls into a pot of paint at Christmas? A "chat peint de Noël" (literally, "a cat paint of Christmas", but it sounds a lot like, "sapin de Noël", which is "Christmas tree").
4. A mother kangaroo says to another: "If only it were good (weather). I don't like it when I let the kids play inside."
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  #1423  
Old 04.02.2015, 17:29
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or is this going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
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  #1424  
Old 04.02.2015, 17:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning, all you need is a heart and a diamond.

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
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  #1425  
Old 04.02.2015, 17:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

It's breakfast time, and a woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me get out of bed? I'm starving."
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  #1426  
Old 10.02.2015, 15:47
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Man goes to doc:
Doc "What seems to be the trouble?"
Man "I seem to a have lettuce leaf growing out of my arse"
Doc "I'd better take a look. Drop your trousers, pleases"
Man "What do you think, Doctor. Is it serious?"
Doc "Serious? It certainly is - it's just the tip of the Iceberg"
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  #1427  
Old 10.02.2015, 15:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Man goes to doc:
Doc "What seems to be the trouble?"
Man "I seem to a have lettuce leaf growing out of my arse"
Doc "I'd better take a look. Drop your trousers, pleases"
Man "What do you think, Doctor. Is it serious?"
Doc "Serious? It certainly is - it's just the tip of the Iceberg"
Hope the doc can find the cos.

I can also make another related reference, but it is far too crude for this PG rated forum.
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  #1428  
Old 10.02.2015, 15:55
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a Jewish rabbi became friends. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

“Well,” he said, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I TOOK HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled DOWN one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!”

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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  #1429  
Old 10.02.2015, 16:03
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Hope the doc can find the cos.

I can also make another related reference, but it is far too crude for this PG rated forum.
go on, you know you want to.......
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  #1430  
Old 19.02.2015, 12:46
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]


While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in', says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the politician.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....

The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the day has gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to hell.

When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the politician.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
'Yesterday we were campaigning, ...... and today you voted'.
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  #1431  
Old 19.02.2015, 23:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

From FB of course.

Daughter's Vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
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  #1432  
Old 24.02.2015, 20:28
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Ok, where were we...

"The funeral has the added attraction over other gatherings in that it is totally spontaneous". - Tadhg Hayes

A quote I've read not long ago that made me think of this wonderful thread.
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  #1433  
Old 26.02.2015, 18:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. St Peter meets him at the pearly gates, checks his records, and says "no, there's been a mistake, it's hell for you".

So the engineer is sent to hell. After a few weeks he gets fed up with sweating bricks and swimming in shit, so he installs air conditioning, flush toilets, and a pool.

God hears about this and gets on the phone to Satan. "That engineer you've got, I want him back up here". Satan replies "No way, it was your mistake, I'm keeping him".

God says "Get him up here now, or I'll sue". Satan laughs "Yeah, right, and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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  #1434  
Old 27.02.2015, 18:57
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop..."
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  #1435  
Old 28.02.2015, 09:00
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Kohn meets Roubitchek strolling in Athens. "What are you doing here, Roubitchek?" "I am on my honeymoon, Kohn." "And where is Sarah?"asks Kohn. "Somebody had to keep the store open?!"
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  #1436  
Old 28.02.2015, 10:18
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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Kohn meets Roubitchek strolling in Athens. "What are you doing here, Roubitchek?" "I am on my honeymoon, Kohn." "And where is Sarah?"asks Kohn. "Somebody had to keep the store open?!"
Too intellectual. Or something. Or is it just Jewish (racist) stereotyping?
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  #1437  
Old 28.02.2015, 16:14
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

It's a terrible joke, innit. I had to put up with our
Roubitchek humor since I was small, or blonde jokes, to make it a bit more diverse. Quatsch.

Two blondes are on a train, sitting in a cabin next to an older gentleman who happens to have a long beard.

One of the blond girls whispers to the other 'Wow, look, it's Charles Darwin!!'

'Are you stupid, he's been dead for over 200 years!' the other blonde replies.

Just then, another older man walks into the cabin and says 'Howdy Charles, I haven't seen you for hundreds of years, what have you been up to?'

The first blonde says to the second 'Who's stupid now?'
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  #1438  
Old 01.03.2015, 09:36
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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It's a terrible joke, innit. I had to put up with our
Roubitchek humor since I was small
But what's the name supposed to signify? Hardly an archetypical Jewish name, or is it common where you come from?
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  #1439  
Old 02.03.2015, 21:24
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The wife went to see 50 Shades of Grey.

Chf 10.25 admission. Chf 10.25! They must've seen her coming. It would explain why she was asked to leave, anyway.
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  #1440  
Old 02.03.2015, 21:47
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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The wife went to see 50 Shades of Grey.

Chf 10.25 admission. Chf 10.25! They must've seen her coming. It would explain why she was asked to leave, anyway.
That's home made! I bet it is...hahahah. Home made bad jokes are the best.


"Mom, mom - I raised my hand at school and gave the right answer!!!"

"That's great! What was the question?"

"Who broke the window in the hallway.."
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