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  #1441  
Old 02.03.2015, 22:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A student is sitting at an exam and a teacher who is quizzing him asks: "So what happens when two people are talking and one of them knows nothing?"

Student keeps still and says "Well, the other one is going to get an F and go home".
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  #1442  
Old 04.03.2015, 22:49
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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But what's the name supposed to signify? Hardly an archetypical Jewish name, or is it common where you come from?
Oh, yeah - I think it might be regional, Roubitchek is our celebrated archetype, indeed, within our own Jewish humor. I wouldn't sanitize a terrible joke thread, tbh, would all blonde jokes become racist then as well...or selectively misogynistic, probably. (There is actually a really interesting part of pragma linguistic dealing with humor transfer and understanding inter-culturally, I have a great book by Goatly called "Meaning and Humor" if that interests anyone.)


A blonde orders a pizza and she gets asked if she wants to have it cut in 6 or 12 slices. "6 please, 12 is too much food".
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  #1443  
Old 04.03.2015, 22:55
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over.', said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why, yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."
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  #1444  
Old 05.03.2015, 15:00
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I have given up sexual innuendo for Lent.

It's pretty hard.
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  #1445  
Old 05.03.2015, 15:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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"Mom, mom - I raised my hand at school and gave the right answer!!!"

"That's great! What was the question?"

"Who broke the window in the hallway.."
"Miss, I just peed myself"

"Oh, Jenny! Why didn't you put your hand up?"

"I did. It ran through my fingers."
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  #1446  
Old 05.03.2015, 21:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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It's pretty hard.
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It ran through my fingers.
I think I might reverse my pov on sanitation


Anyways, this is not so bad...just a little bit:

There are a Czech, a British guy, a Yank and a Russian flying in a plane. When the plane catches on fire and they find out there are only 3 parachutes, they have to decide who will survive. The Russian says: "As a member of the most intelligent nation, I have a right to survive" and jumps off. Then the Yank gets ready to jump while saying: "As a member of the richest nation, I have the right to save myself" and jumps off. Then the Brit says with his British calm: "I would have the right to the last parachute but as a gentleman - you can have it" when the Czech retorts with the typical stoicism: "We can both jump, since the member of the most intelligent nation launched himself off with my backpack".
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  #1447  
Old 07.03.2015, 00:56
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

The nurse applies the medication.

Doctor: "This is gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a cheque for $100.

Doctor: "But this is $100..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
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  #1448  
Old 08.03.2015, 23:01
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I could really see myself doing.
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  #1449  
Old 08.03.2015, 23:10
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A young man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $4500.

"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique", he said. At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $33000."

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the young man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?" "I'll pay by cheque, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a cheque and you can phone the bank Monday and I'll collect the ring on Monday afternoon".

Monday morning, a very irritated jeweler phones the man. "You lied there's no money in that account."

"I know, but you CAN'T imagine what a Fantastic WEEKEND I had????"
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  #1450  
Old 08.03.2015, 23:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

My friend, a circus clown, was looking rather glum.

"They say my bit isn't funny," he says, "I have to pick up my act or I'll be the laughing stock of the circus".
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  #1451  
Old 16.03.2015, 14:21
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
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  #1452  
Old 16.03.2015, 14:22
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong


A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

original source here: http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2015/03/08/...iz5ZDU.twitter
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  #1453  
Old 16.03.2015, 14:48
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I could really see myself doing.

I thought parsley farming would be a lucrative career, but they kept garnishing my wages.

So I switched to successful career as a professional scarecrow. My skills were so good, I've been described as Outstanding in the Field.
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  #1454  
Old 16.03.2015, 15:28
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I thought about changing careers and going into dog grooming.


Unfortunately, very few have Facebook or Bebo accounts though...
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  #1455  
Old 17.03.2015, 10:16
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

this is a classic, Clement Freud's £20 joke:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g17DL1YJ730
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  #1456  
Old 17.03.2015, 20:00
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

That was awesome. The recent bad joke feed has been great.

A man goes to see the doctor. "Doctor, every time I drink coffee my eye hurts". Doctor says, "Next time you drink coffee take the spoon out".


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  #1457  
Old 18.03.2015, 14:15
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A squirrel is in a pine tree, when all of a sudden, it starts shaking. He looks down, and sees an elephant climbing the tree.

"What are you doing? Why are you climbing my tree?" the squirrel calls down to the elephant.

"I'm coming up there to eat some pears!" the elephant responds.

"You fool! This is a pine tree! There aren't any pears up here!"

The elephant looks perplexed for a moment, and then says, "Well I brought my own pears."
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  #1458  
Old 23.03.2015, 11:56
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A monkey was siting on a tree, smoking pot.
A lizard passed by and saw him.
Lizard: “Hey, bro, what’s up?”
Monkey: “Just smokin' some pot. Want some?”
After a few puffs, lizard said: "I’m so thirsty. I am going down to the river for some water."
Lizard goes to the river but fell in the water.
A crocodile saved the lizard and asked what happened.
“I’m smoking some pot with a monkey and you know…”
“Where?” asked crocodile.
“Over there, on that tree.”
Crocodile crawled to the tree but before he said anything, the monkey exclaimed,
“Wow, bro, how much water did you drink?!”
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  #1459  
Old 23.03.2015, 14:19
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

NOTICE!



Guilty as charged.
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  #1460  
Old 25.03.2015, 21:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

"Ok, kids, who answers the next question can go home!"
Joe picks up his school bag and throws it out of the window.
"Who threw the bag out??" yells the teacher, all livid.
"I did", says Joe, "since I am on my way out."
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