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  #1461  
Old 03.04.2015, 07:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Grandma says to little Johnny: "Johnny, cover your mouth when you cough!"

"No worries, Grandma," says Johnny, "my teeth stay put".
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  #1462  
Old 05.04.2015, 16:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man and a woman are getting hot and heavy, when she hears her husband car pull in the driveway.

“ He’s home early! Quick, hide!” she says, so the man gathers his clothes and jumps into the bedroom closet. The man hears the low whisper of a young boy…

“You know, It sure is dark in here.”

“Indeed it is,” the man responds.

“I have a baseball,” says the boy.

“That’s nice,” he says.

“I’ll sell it to you for $60.”

“$60? That’s a pricey for a baseball, son.”

“Well, my dad has a taser. Would you rather see that?”

“Tell you what, you have yourself a deal,” says the man, and he pays the kid $60.

A week later, the man and the woman are at it again, when once again the woman’s husband comes home early. Grabbing his clothes, the man jumps into the closet.

“Sure is dark in here,” says the kid.

“Oh, it’s you again.”

“I have a baseball glove.”

“Alright, how much do you want for it?”

“$800.”

“$800? That’s crazy!”

“Well, my dad has a Taser. Would you rather see that?”

“Alright, alright, $800,” so he pays the kid.

That Sunday, the father says to his son, “Go get your mitt, let’s throw the ball around.”

The boy says, “I can’t, Dad. I sold my ball and glove.”

“For how much?” he asks.

“$860.”

“$860? Son, it’s wrong to rip off your friends. I’m taking you to church for confession.”

They drive to church and the boy kneels in the confession booth.

“Sure is dark in here,” he says.

The priest says, “Don’t start that Crap again
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  #1463  
Old 06.04.2015, 22:06
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What cheese do you use to get a bear out of his cave?

Camembert.
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  #1464  
Old 07.04.2015, 10:22
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese?

Caerphilly.
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  #1465  
Old 07.04.2015, 11:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Why does the blonde put a pound of lard under her pillow before going to sleep?

Because she is dumb.

(I'll show myself out)
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  #1466  
Old 07.04.2015, 17:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

"It's important we remember the true meaning of Easter" says The Archbishop of Cadbury.
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  #1467  
Old 11.04.2015, 15:20
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

"I heard John just had a burial."

"What happened to him?"

"He died."
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  #1468  
Old 13.04.2015, 08:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What sort of cheese can hide a horse?

Marscapone
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  #1469  
Old 14.04.2015, 16:07
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Found on (and adapted from) reddit:

Gender is quite simple in French. Here's a few examples:
  • kitchen: féminin (la cuisine)
  • living room: masculin (le salon)
  • laundry room: féminin (la buanderie)
  • garage: masculin (le garage)
  • bank card: féminin (la carte bancaire)
  • bank account: masculin (le compte bancaire)
  • car / automobile: féminin (la voiture)
  • army tank: masculin (le tank)
  • television: féminin (la télévision)
  • theatre: masculin (le théâtre)
  • small calculator: féminin (la calculatrice)
  • computer: masculin (l'ordinateur)
  • groceries: féminin (l'épicerie, les provisions)
  • sport: masculin (le sport)
  • salad: féminin (la salade)
  • beef steak: masculin (le steak)

There's more to the post, but it would need to be censored...

I guess I should start running now......
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  #1470  
Old 15.04.2015, 23:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
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  #1471  
Old 02.05.2015, 23:52
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars, your lips are luscious and your skin is as smooth as silk'.

So I said to the waiter: "Excuse me, but I ordered aromatic duck?!"
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  #1472  
Old 03.05.2015, 00:53
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
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I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars, your lips are luscious and your skin is as smooth as silk'.

So I said to the waiter: "Excuse me, but I ordered aromatic duck?!"
Consider yourself lucky...

I went out for Chinese the other day, and due to my open and amicable demeanor, the waiter apparently mistook me for a homosexual.

I asked for the soup du jour, and he offered me cream of sum yung gai....

Last edited by pilatus1; 03.05.2015 at 01:09.
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  #1473  
Old 05.05.2015, 16:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Philip is talking to his friend:

"Every time I have an argument with Evelyn, she turns historical!"

"You mean, 'hysterical'?"

"No, historical! She remembers everything that I did, including the date and time!"
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  #1474  
Old 05.05.2015, 18:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I've had three cups of tea today and I think I better stop before I become like that Native American who drank too much and drowned in his own teepee.
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  #1475  
Old 05.05.2015, 20:35
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Little boy walks down the street and finds a penguin, so he takes the penguin to the nearest policeman and explains he just found the penguin. The policeman tells him to take the penguin to the zoo. The next day the policeman is walking down the same street when he sees the same little boy still with the penguin and says ”Didn't I I tell you to take that penguin to the zoo?” The boy replies ” I did and he enjoyed it so much that today I'm taking him to the cinema”
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  #1476  
Old 05.05.2015, 20:50
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

How tall are penguins, cos I think I just threw a fish at a nun?
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  #1477  
Old 07.05.2015, 08:29
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

David Cameron dies and goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let some-one else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

Dave thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" Dave said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. "No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented Dave.

The devil opened a third door. In it Dave saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky performing oral sex.

David Cameron looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"
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  #1478  
Old 18.05.2015, 14:53
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Over in Egypt, they've found a new mummy. King of the upper and lower kingdoms back in the day. Entombed with all the funeral rights, covered in chocolate and rolled in chunks of almond.

He was Pharaoh Rocher.
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  #1479  
Old 18.05.2015, 15:22
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

How to you know a biker is an asshole?

His pedals are moving.
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  #1480  
Old 20.05.2015, 10:27
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An 82 years old fisherman was sitting in his boat when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious, because I shall be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, 'What! Are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.''

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'
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