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  #1481  
Old 20.05.2015, 11:20
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

There was a car accident and the woman driving the car was badly injured. She was in comma, and met God. God said, "You will live for at least 70 years more my child! Go back and enjoy your life".

Surprisingly, the recovery was smooth and fast. She remember what God has said to her and decided to just enjoy her life. She thought, if she'll live for at least 70 years more, it would be great to have the best cosmetic surgery, perhaps to keep her good looking!

The surgery went great, and she is very satisfied with the result. One day, she went out partying. On the way home, a car hit her. The terrible accient sent her direct to heaven. She met God again and said "But dear Lord! You've said i'll live longer!". God said "Oh dear, Kim ist that you? Sorry! I did not recognized you!"
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  #1482  
Old 20.05.2015, 11:24
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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She was in comma
Was she having her period? Or having her colon removed?
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  #1483  
Old 20.05.2015, 14:26
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Two old ladies, Gert and Doris, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Gert pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Doris: "What's that?"

Gert: "A condom."

Doris: "Where'd you get it?"

Gert: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Doris hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."
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  #1484  
Old 20.05.2015, 15:47
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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There was a car accident and the woman driving the car was badly injured. She was in comma, and met God. God said, "You will live for at least 70 years more my child! Go back and enjoy your life".

Surprisingly, the recovery was smooth and fast. She remember what God has said to her and decided to just enjoy her life. She thought, if she'll live for at least 70 years more, it would be great to have the best cosmetic surgery, perhaps to keep her good looking!

The surgery went great, and she is very satisfied with the result. One day, she went out partying. On the way home, a car hit her. The terrible accient sent her direct to heaven. She met God again and said "But dear Lord! You've said i'll live longer!". God said "Oh dear, Kim ist that you? Sorry! I did not recognized you!"
Having re-read the thread title, it's all clear to me now.

Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]
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  #1485  
Old 25.05.2015, 21:16
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The underside of an elephant - is it a chest or a torso? It's a huge grey area.
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  #1486  
Old 25.05.2015, 21:24
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Here's two I made up myself (talk about terrible....)

How do birds eat ice cream?

from a pine cone.

What do you call a male cow that sleeps too much?

A bulldozer



Now THOSE are terrible!!!
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  #1487  
Old 26.05.2015, 16:37
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

My beautician wanted to charge me $1,000 for a waxing. Talk about a rip off......
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  #1488  
Old 26.05.2015, 16:47
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

hahahahahha....
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  #1489  
Old 27.05.2015, 01:52
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Let me piggyback on this thread and tell you some pig jokes:

A farmer walks into a pub with a pig under his arm.
"Why have you got a pig under your arm?" asks the barman.
"This isn't just any old pig," the farmer says, "This pig has twice saved my life. So, just to be on the safe side, I carry him about everywhere with me."
"Oh really?" says the barman, incredulously.
"Yes, once I fell into the river and he jumped in and dragged me to the bank. Another time my house caught fire and he ran in and saved me, the wife and the kids."
As the farmer is talking the barman can't help noticing that the pig is missing a leg.
"In which of those accidents did the pig lose its leg in?" he asks.
The farmer replies: "Neither. An animal like this you don't eat all at once"


A guy walks into his kitchen where his wife is standing. The guy has a sheep with him. He says, "This is the pig I've been ing." His wife says, "That's a sheep."
The guy says, "I wasn't talking to you."


In the winter a man says to his wife: "Should we get the pig inside, it is freezing out there." "But it stinks", says the wife to which the husband replies: "He will get used to it!"


A farmer goes to town to run his usual errands. He has a pig, an anvil, a bucket and a chicken. He's thinking to himself, "Now, how am I going to carry a pig, an anvil, a bucket and a chicken." So he thinks about it for a bit, and decides to carry the bucket, put the pig in the bucket, place the anvil on top of the pig and carry the chicken under his other arm.
So his trudges into town carrying his load, when a pretty girl admiring his physique says, "Sir, do you know the way to the fabric store?"
The farmer smiles, and says, "Follow me down this alley, I'll be going right past it."
The girl says, "If I follow you down this alley, you might molest me."
The farmer says, "How could I molest you? I'm carrying a pig, an anvil, a bucket and a chicken."
The girl quickly follows, "Well, you could put the pig down, place the bucket over the pig, place the anvil on top of the bucket, and I could hold the chicken."



The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a pig walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the pig's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the pig. "Your name is written inside the cover."
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  #1490  
Old 27.05.2015, 01:53
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Whats the name of Alec Baldwin's evil cousin?

Alex Hairloss.
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  #1491  
Old 01.06.2015, 15:10
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct
slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and
jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as
Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such
as Cricket, Football, Golfing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer
runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running
Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

.................................................. ..........................
Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is
an Operating System. Please enter the command:
'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.

Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as
designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery
and Flowers, but remember. over-use of the above application can cause
Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very
bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and
cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running
one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve
memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support
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  #1492  
Old 18.06.2015, 12:37
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZ3SC-gVvy0

Seriously, men. Take heed.
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  #1493  
Old 02.07.2015, 14:15
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Why does a gorilla have big nostrils?









Because she's got fat fingers.
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  #1494  
Old 14.07.2015, 17:16
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks.

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks, “Mom, how ma...ny different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.





“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
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  #1495  
Old 28.07.2015, 12:37
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

Why did she go to the other side? To go to the bar.

Why did she go to the bar? To go to the toilet.

Why did she go to the toilet? Because that's where all the cocks hang out.
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  #1496  
Old 24.08.2015, 23:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1497  
Old 24.08.2015, 23:13
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

How do you take anaesthetics when at the dentist? Are you willing to get an injection? Or is gas more your style? This dentist had some idea of how to get his patient to ignore the pain, but we don’t think you’ll agree that it’ll work.



A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anaesthesia shot.
“No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaims
So she starts to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man says, “I can’t do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!”

The dentist then asks the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. “No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills.” So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them. “What are those?” he asks. “Viagra,” she calmly replies.

“I’ll be damned,” said the man, “I didn’t know Viagra works as a pain killer.”

“It doesn’t,” says the wise lady, “But it’ll give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”
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  #1498  
Old 25.08.2015, 11:46
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
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  #1499  
Old 25.08.2015, 18:18
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Worth watching it through to the end:

https://surl.im/Parking_fine_clip
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  #1500  
Old 26.08.2015, 14:16
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal, you've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me now!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms; red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company,

and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"

"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, always winking, and tried to buy a packet of aspirin?"
.
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