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  #1501  
Old 26.08.2015, 21:58
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

some of the jokes are funny
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  #1502  
Old 27.08.2015, 16:46
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.

One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.

So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
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  #1503  
Old 29.08.2015, 23:06
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1504  
Old 08.09.2015, 16:08
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

"What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare."

It's so fun to teach him.
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  #1505  
Old 08.09.2015, 21:35
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Two eskimo meet...
E1: "Hey, where does your mother come from?"
E2: "Alaska."
E1: "Ah, don't worry about it. I'll ask her myself."
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  #1506  
Old 13.09.2015, 11:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1507  
Old 17.09.2015, 07:06
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A manufacturing company had a problem. One of their critical machines was malfunctioning, but no one at the company could work out how to fix it. Out of options, they decide to call an engineer who had recently retired from the company. The engineer was reluctant, but after being promised to be paid for his time, he decided to have a look at the machine.

The engineer arrived and examined the machine. After half an hour, he took out a marker pen and circled a part of the machine. The company replaced the marked part and the machine worked perfectly well again.

Later, the company was sent a bill for $50,000 from the engineer. Rather taken aback, the company sent a message to the engineer demanding an itemised bill. The reply came back to the company:
  • One pen mark: $1
  • Knowing where to put it: $49,999

The engineer was paid.
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  #1508  
Old 22.09.2015, 16:10
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1509  
Old 22.09.2015, 17:13
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

There's a whole sequence, going something like this:

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

Why do you never see elephants hiding in cherry trees?

Why should you avoid walking under cherry trees?

Why are Pygmies so small?

etc.
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  #1510  
Old 22.09.2015, 17:41
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

For the "religious"
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  #1511  
Old 22.09.2015, 21:01
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Winner of the Chicago Tribune's best Tweet of the week,

"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby."
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  #1512  
Old 23.09.2015, 07:06
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man of about 60 told his wife he was tired of working, and was going down to the Social Security Office to ask them to support him.
“It doesn’t work like that,” she said. “They don’t simply hand out money; they’ll Need to do a means test and ask loads of documents.”
He just sighed and said: “I’m tired of working, and I’m determined to try my luck at Social Security.”

A few hours later he came home triumphant, telling his wife that, indeed, just as he had hoped, he’d been granted Social Security benefits, and he had the letter to prove it.
“Wow! How did you persuade them?” she asked.
“Oh,” he said: “I sighed deeply, let my shoulders hang down, and then I unbuttoned my shirt, and when they saw that the hair on my chest was grey, they knew that I was old and weak and they felt sorry for me, and awarded me the benefits, just like that.”

His wife was quiet for a moment, and then said: “Well, why didn’t you just keep unbuttoning, and open your trousers, too? They’d have given you a Disability Pension right away!”
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  #1513  
Old 24.09.2015, 23:47
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Nerd jokes allert:

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says: "Five beers, please!"

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
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  #1514  
Old 25.09.2015, 01:25
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Rofl!
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  #1515  
Old 27.09.2015, 13:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
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  #1516  
Old 06.10.2015, 14:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

For those of you who can read French.

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  #1517  
Old 06.10.2015, 15:21
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Warning: terrible nerd joke alert. You were warned...



Oxygen asked Potassium out on a date. She said, "OK!"

Oxygen then went out on a date with Magnesium. OMg!

Nitrogen tried to go out with Oxygen, but Oxygen said, "NO!"
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  #1518  
Old 06.10.2015, 16:05
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
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Warning: terrible nerd joke alert. You were warned...



Oxygen asked Potassium out on a date. She said, "OK!"

Oxygen then went out on a date with Magnesium. OMg!

Nitrogen tried to go out with Oxygen, but Oxygen said, "NO!"
But they're invalent invalid!
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  #1519  
Old 06.10.2015, 16:26
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Isn't this a song by My Chemical Romance?
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  #1520  
Old 06.10.2015, 16:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I thought it was the Valence Band.
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