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  #1541  
Old 21.12.2015, 19:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.

He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out
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  #1542  
Old 21.12.2015, 20:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

My daughter's joke that plays on French and English:

There are two cats, the first named One Two Three and the second named Un Deux Trois. They both try to cross the river but only one cat makes it. Which one?

/answer: One Two Three because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
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  #1543  
Old 24.12.2015, 09:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I've been invited round to the neighbours for a Christmas drink with nibbles.

They treat that cat like royalty.
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  #1544  
Old 25.12.2015, 17:25
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Who is the rudest Elf?

Gof*#ckyoursElf

Last edited by TobiasM; 25.12.2015 at 17:26. Reason: Swear word ommited
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  #1545  
Old 25.12.2015, 18:06
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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My daughter's joke that plays on French and English:

There are two cats, the first named One Two Three and the second named Un Deux Trois. They both try to cross the river but only one cat makes it. Which one?

/answer: One Two Three because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
Great one!

Tom
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  #1546  
Old 27.12.2015, 02:50
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Man goes to see a psychiatrist.
Tells her:
"I'm so tired of everything. I'm not interested in anything, and my kids say I'm boring. I'm really not much use at my job and I'm lousy in bed. I don't seem to want to do anything much.... Please, what do you think? Am I depressed?"

She looks him up and down and slowly shakes her head:
"Nah, sorry, no Depression. Truth is, you're just like that."
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  #1547  
Old 27.12.2015, 09:06
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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She looks him up and down and slowly shakes her head:
"Nah, sorry, no Depression. Truth is, you're just like that."
I know it's bad form and all, but where's the joke?
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  #1548  
Old 27.12.2015, 09:24
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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I know it's bad form and all, but where's the joke?
It's that a doctor would not say that to a patient, so it's a comic spin on the symptoms of depression that instead of having the disease it is that in this case all the natural main visible effects of depression just are the patients character and the doctor just says so up front.
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  #1549  
Old 27.12.2015, 09:58
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Australian, a Kiwi, an Indonesian, an American, a German, a Peruvian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Tibetan, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, a Kazahk, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Dane, a Ugandan, a Nigerian, a Frenchman, a Colombian, an Argentinian and a South African went to a night club.

The bouncer said: "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."
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  #1550  
Old 27.12.2015, 10:50
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

This guy’s having knee troubles so he goes to the doctor to have it checked out. He tells him, "Doc, I don't know what it is, but it always hurts. Can you have a look?" The doc kneels down and begins to examine the man's knee. After a few minutes the doc exhales loudly and says, “Well, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” Puzzled, the guy says, “Why?” And the doctor says, “Because I’m trying to look at your knee!!”

Last edited by 22 yards; 27.12.2015 at 17:34. Reason: Removed commercial link.
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  #1551  
Old 04.01.2016, 22:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Haha!

What cheese can you hide a horse with?

Mascarpone.
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  #1552  
Old 06.01.2016, 16:18
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An egg and a chicken lying together in bed, and the chicken takes a long puff from a cigarette and says "So now we know!"
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  #1553  
Old 06.01.2016, 16:24
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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An egg and a chicken lying together in bed, and the chicken takes a long puff from a cigarette and says "So now we know!"
I dream of a world where a chicken can cross the road without its motive being questioned.

And a late seasonal one.
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  #1554  
Old 07.01.2016, 01:32
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Should be Vegan really?
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  #1555  
Old 14.01.2016, 22:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Just been to Starbucks
Saw a guy there, he didn't have a smartphone, tablet or laptop.
He just sat there, drinking his coffee

Like a psychopath
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  #1556  
Old 18.01.2016, 08:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the bartender.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"

"Yeah!" the bartender replies.

"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.

"Of course," the bartender replies.

"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says:

"What would they want with a plasterer?"
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  #1557  
Old 18.01.2016, 21:52
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
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  #1558  
Old 22.01.2016, 14:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Saw this thing flying through the air the other day...couldn't make out what it was but it was getting bigger and bigger.....and then it hit me!!

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  #1559  
Old 26.01.2016, 13:22
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same..'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
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  #1560  
Old 28.01.2016, 15:33
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large builder who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The builder smiled and drawled, "Well, miss, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."
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