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  #1561  
Old 28.01.2016, 15:41
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race!

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race!

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning!

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest
was. Confronting him, he demanded, “Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!”

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. “You're not Catholic are you my son?”

"No, I'm Jewish."

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites."
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  #1562  
Old 29.01.2016, 10:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie.....always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right...'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
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  #1563  
Old 08.02.2016, 21:09
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What do you see?
If you see anything but a person reading, you have a twisted mind.


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  #1564  
Old 10.02.2016, 21:58
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1565  
Old 10.02.2016, 22:02
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Oh really.

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  #1566  
Old 11.02.2016, 20:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'
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  #1567  
Old 11.02.2016, 20:48
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog."
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  #1568  
Old 12.02.2016, 16:56
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
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  #1569  
Old 13.02.2016, 09:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1570  
Old 13.02.2016, 13:52
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.

"Watson look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce." Watson replies "I see millions of stars and if even a few of them have planets it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth and if that's the case they might harbour life."

Holmes replies" No Watson the correct deduction is that someone has stolen our tent"
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  #1571  
Old 14.02.2016, 14:55
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

repertoire-terrible-jokes-i-challenge-you-33ymizb.jpg
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  #1572  
Old 16.02.2016, 18:21
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1573  
Old 16.02.2016, 18:23
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1574  
Old 17.02.2016, 14:03
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Swisstree, your snail joke reminded me of another.

Two snails meet.
One says: Hey, what happened? You look a real mess! Your shell is cracked, your slime doesn’t seem to be working, your feeler is hanging down. Terrible! Did you have an accident?
The other: Yes, I was out in the forest.
- In the forest. Yes, and then?
- You know, jogging, as usual.
- Yes, yes, jogging, as you usually do. And then?
- Then suddenly, suddenly, a mushroom shot up out of the ground!
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  #1575  
Old 17.02.2016, 14:23
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

repertoire-terrible-jokes-i-challenge-you-11113719_1035758063124158_306339956667596559_o.jpg


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  #1576  
Old 17.02.2016, 14:52
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Really geeky humour...
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  #1577  
Old 18.02.2016, 00:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, 'Just for fun, Mama, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.' The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while.

He then says, 'Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?'

Mama says immediately, 'The one on the right. '

'That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know? '

Mama replies: 'I don't like her.'
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  #1578  
Old 18.02.2016, 21:31
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A scared passenger runs to a captain: "Sir, the boat is sinking!"
"Unfortunately, we have a hole in it" says the captain.
"Where is the nearest land?" asks the passenger.
"About half a mile" answer the captain.
"Phew" says the passenger, "which way?"
Captain: "Vertical way".
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  #1579  
Old 18.02.2016, 22:02
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Great thread

repertoire-terrible-jokes-i-challenge-you-10849919_915341385150266_8039084317949248034_n.jpg
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  #1580  
Old 18.02.2016, 22:10
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

I've just bought a Bonnie Tyler satnav. It keeps telling me to Turn Around, and every so often it starts Fallin' Apart
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