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  #141  
Old 26.04.2008, 15:14
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
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  #142  
Old 27.04.2008, 17:21
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Missus about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
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  #143  
Old 27.04.2008, 19:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

...
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.
...
ha ha ha, Reminds of my last sickie day...
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  #144  
Old 05.05.2008, 16:22
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh..well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
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  #145  
Old 06.05.2008, 18:55
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

It's about 2 o'clock ,and you know how things look in a bar about two o'clock.. well there's a panda bear and a prostitute sitting together, and the woman asks if he would like to go home with her.. the panda bear looks her over and says sure.. so they go to her place they have a good time and the panda bear gets up to leave, when the prostitute yells ,"where do you think you're going?" the panda bear answers that he is going home, the woman then explains that she is a prostitute and the panda bear answers that he knows but he is a panda bear.. they can't see eye to eye on it so they decide to look it up in WEBSTER's ... they look up prostitute: a woman that gets paid for sexual favors, the panda bear answers that yes he knew that, now look up panda bear: a black and white bear that eats bushes and leaves.
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  #146  
Old 06.05.2008, 21:16
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.

“Why?” asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

“Well, I’m a panda,” he says, at the door. “Look it up.”

The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. “Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.”
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  #147  
Old 06.05.2008, 21:18
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Four fonts walk into a bar
The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar
The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.
So he gave her one

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the
bar man, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is
sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says
"Are you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies "do you want a pint?"
"No, ta. I've got one `ere."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He hops up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A
woman walks up to him and says, "What are yous upposed to be?" The
man
says, "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man
replies, "I've just come in my pants."

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.



Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were getting cold. They lit a fire in
the craft to keep warm. It sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it.
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  #148  
Old 06.05.2008, 21:35
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What do you call a terrorist in ibiza?



allsummer bin largin'!



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  #149  
Old 07.05.2008, 17:42
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

In a hospital room, there was a man resting on the bed with an oxygen mask on.
When the nurse came in the room to open the blinds, the man asked her, "Are my testicles black?"
To which she replied, "I do not know... I am only here to open the blinds." The man asked her again, "Are my testicles black?" And he kept asking until he got on her nerves so much, that she finally unzipped his hospital gown, had a good look at the left one, then a good look at the right one, cupped them in her hands then lifted and checked under them, and said, "Sir, they are fine."

With a very confused look on his face, he took of his oxygen mask, and shouted, "I SAID, ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK????"
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  #150  
Old 08.05.2008, 15:58
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What’s 40 feet long and smells like urine?

Line dancing in a nursing home
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  #151  
Old 09.05.2008, 19:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

FIVE SURGEONS

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table


because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know I like construction workers.

Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no backbone - and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
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  #152  
Old 09.05.2008, 22:57
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

As Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom; in beer there is freedom; in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****.
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  #153  
Old 09.05.2008, 23:29
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Hello, and thank you for calling the Mental Health Institute

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly
If you have multiple personalities, press 2, 3 and 4.
If you suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, press 5 but do it v-e-r-y- s-l-o-w-l-y and carefully.
If you are dyslexic, press 6. Now press 9. Now press 6. Now press 9. Now press 6.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you have short term memory loss, press 8. If you have short term memory loss, press 8. If you have short term memory loss, press 8.
If you have schizophrenia, listen very carefully and a small voice will tell you the number to press.
If you have a nervous disorder, fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press a number for you.
If you are depressed, don't bother to press any numbers. No one will be able to help you anyway.
If you are paranoid, you don't need to press anything. We know who you are, we know what you want, and we know how to reach you.
If you suffer from low self-esteem, please hang up because all our operators are too busy to talk to you.
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  #154  
Old 10.05.2008, 02:40
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

INFAMOUS TESCO MURDERS

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side, underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspectin g woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper,


The headline declared...........



(You're going to hate me for this)




















'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!'
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  #155  
Old 10.05.2008, 10:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Please bear in mind that making jokes out of serious situations is an English coping mechanism....

The Sound of Music Two is in production - they're thinking of calling it "The von Trapped Family"

Cellar man's been ordered to attend parenting classes - it's reported he's doing very well....really coming into his own...

They say woman are like wine - best matured in a cellar...

Why do Austrians like to go raving? They love a little underground house....
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  #156  
Old 10.05.2008, 20:13
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Medical distinction

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next.
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
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  #157  
Old 12.05.2008, 19:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of
"Here I come again ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first,
"How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection.
The second dwarf shook his head.
"You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"
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  #158  
Old 12.05.2008, 20:08
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What's the difference between a tear duct and a sperm duct?

There's a Vas Deferens...
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  #159  
Old 15.05.2008, 15:41
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A new, special kind of store just opened up in a Manhatten shopping center. This store sells husbands, yes that’s right - women can browse men from floors of choices.

Actually, there are 6 floors of men, and with an increase in the floor level bringing an positive attributes… a nifty setup - with a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor but if you go up, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. Interesting, right?

So a young woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
“Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. “Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 7,548,652 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists as proof that women are impossible to please.
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  #160  
Old 17.05.2008, 21:51
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
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