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  #1721  
Old 11.05.2016, 12:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

One for the girls

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  #1722  
Old 13.05.2016, 13:25
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1723  
Old 17.05.2016, 08:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1724  
Old 17.05.2016, 14:41
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1725  
Old 18.05.2016, 14:21
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1726  
Old 19.05.2016, 12:34
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

This one is for all our Australian English Forum members - enjoy!

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses.[citation needed] by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)


________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railway tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not …
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is …
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.
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What do I know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes - Samuel Beckett
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  #1727  
Old 20.05.2016, 17:59
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1728  
Old 22.05.2016, 11:45
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1729  
Old 22.05.2016, 12:19
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Well apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, did you enjoy the show?
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  #1730  
Old 23.05.2016, 15:01
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Monica Lewinsky released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for President:

“I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to November of this election year, citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to me. And I am afraid I blew it”.

Monica
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  #1731  
Old 24.05.2016, 11:35
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A librarian was working late one night at a small-town library. A chicken walked in, hopped up on the desk, and said, "Book, book, book!"

The librarian was a bit startled, but she quickly handed the chicken three books. The chicken put one under each wing, one in its beak, and walked out.

A few minutes later, the chicken returned, dropped those three books on the floor, hopped up on the counter, and said, "Book, book, book!"

Once again, the librarian gave the chicken three books, the chicken tucked one under each wing, took the third in its beak, and walked out.

Not long after the chicken came back again. It dropped the books on the floor, hopped up, and said, "Book, book, book!"

This time, the librarian decided to get to the bottom of this. She gave three books to the chicken, and when it walked away, she followed it. She got as far as a pond in the park and there the chicken stopped in front of bullfrog. He took one look at the books the chicken was carrying and croaked, "Read it, read it, read it!"

...
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  #1732  
Old 24.05.2016, 11:38
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1733  
Old 24.05.2016, 11:41
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1734  
Old 25.05.2016, 14:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1735  
Old 25.05.2016, 21:39
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon.

Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son.

"Don’t be nervous, son, just do your best and remember,

If it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."
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  #1736  
Old 26.05.2016, 14:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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  #1737  
Old 26.05.2016, 14:27
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

If you're into it. Must admit, they are tasteless & offensive!

http://www.trulytastelessjokes.com/?page_id=16
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  #1738  
Old 26.05.2016, 19:01
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Seeing as it is a public holiday in the Catholic cantons and the Protestants work ethic means we here prefer to work on the Catholic feast of Corpus Christi, here is a joke I heard years ago. It was the British comedienne Caroline Aherne when she used to do stand up as a stern Catholic nun:


Q: How many Protestants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to live in eternal darkness.
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  #1739  
Old 26.05.2016, 19:54
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
View Post
Q: How many Protestants does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They prefer to live in eternal darkness.
^^^^^^


..and another Catholic one:

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  #1740  
Old 30.05.2016, 12:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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