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  #161  
Old 18.05.2008, 09:47
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

How do you know if your wife is dead?

The sex is about the same, but the washing starts to pile up
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  #162  
Old 18.05.2008, 10:05
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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A new, special kind of store just opened up in a Manhatten shopping center. This store sells husbands, yes that’s right - women can browse men from floors of choices.

Actually, there are 6 floors of men, and with an increase in the floor level bringing an positive attributes… a nifty setup - with a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor but if you go up, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. Interesting, right?
.
.
.
After the success of this enterprise the same company then opened up another store across the road for men to shop for wives. The shop works on the same principle with 6 floors, each with a different selection of women. Once you have moved onto the next floor you cannot then go back to the previous floor.

The first sign reads:
Floor 1 - These women are really great in bed.

Nobody has ever found out what is on the other floors.
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  #163  
Old 18.05.2008, 18:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?



Bruce, a middle-aged Australian tourist, visits the red light district of Amsterdam and enters a large brothel. It's his first time in Europe.

The Madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the prospective client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams and runs away!

Seeing this, the Madam sends a more experienced lady over to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He again whispers in her ear and she screams and runs away!

The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola,would do!

Lola looks a bit tired, but there is nothing she hasn't done already and absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams louder than the previous two and runs away! Madam is by now, absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel.

She asks, "What did you want to do, to make them run away like that?"

Bruce said: "I just asked if I can pay in Australian Dollars".
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  #164  
Old 19.05.2008, 17:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"
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  #165  
Old 19.05.2008, 17:42
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Where do you get them all SwithCath?

continuing on the pet theme. An old lady takes her hamster to the vet. The hamster is cold and not moving, the vet takes a quick look and pronounces it dead.

But the old woman won't believe him and insists he does further tests "he might just be hibernating!" So the vet takes it's temperature and tries to find a heartbeat. "No, he's definitely dead". "Oh please do some more tests" cries the old lady who can't bear the thought of losing her little hamster.

The vet sighs and asks the receptionist to send in Twiddles. In walks a beautiful persian cat who sniffs the little hamster up and down and with sad eyes looks at the vet and shakes her head. "I'm sorry madam, he's definitely dead" But the woman still can't believe it and asks if anything else can be done, so the vet calls for Fido. in walks a lovely Labrador dog who with wagging tale starts to sniff and lick the hamster but immediately becomes sad and looks at the vet with tears in his eyes.

"I'm sorry madam, but your hamster is 100% dead" The old woman finally starts to accept the awful truth so asks the vet for his bill. he punches in his report to his computer and out comes a bill for £120.00

"£120.00 just for you to tell me he's dead!" Screams the old woman!

"Well, if you'd taken my advice it would have been £20, but with the Cat scan & Lab report......."
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  #166  
Old 21.05.2008, 14:59
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".
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  #167  
Old 22.05.2008, 11:30
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."




A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket........ It went in one ear and out the udder.
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  #168  
Old 22.05.2008, 11:44
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Just when I think these jokes can't get any worse, swisscath shows that she is only just warming up. keep up the bad work.
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  #169  
Old 23.05.2008, 15:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing:.......................................... ........






"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"
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  #170  
Old 26.05.2008, 00:21
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man goes to the doctor's

"So what seems to be the problem?"

"Doctor, I've a got a steering wheel stuck in my trousers"

"Yes, I see and what are the symptoms?"

It's driving me nuts
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  #171  
Old 27.05.2008, 12:46
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.

We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocio us!"
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  #172  
Old 28.05.2008, 17:12
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A guy decides to take his family to the zoo one day. When they get there, all they can find is a single dog.





It was a Shi-tzu
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  #173  
Old 28.05.2008, 17:16
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Quote:
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A man goes to the doctor's

"So what seems to be the problem?"

"Doctor, I've a got a steering wheel stuck in my trousers"

"Yes, I see and what are the symptoms?"

It's driving me nuts
Or the original version, as I heard it.

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender can't help but notice that he has a ship's steering wheel coming out of his pants. The bartender asks him, "What's the deal with the ship's wheel?"

To which the pirate replies, "Argggghhh, it's driving me nuts"
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  #174  
Old 29.05.2008, 15:13
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until finally, one day, she had enough money to go on her ocean cruise. She booked passage on a cruise liner - first class all the way... The cruise started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night. But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced the night away.

One night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that wasn't enough, the ship chose that moment to tilt to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard. A hue and a cry were immediately raised, and after about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her aboard, the ship's crew realized that it was too late, poor Penny was dead.

Normally, they would have done a burial at sea, but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parent's fireplace mantel. Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned.
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  #175  
Old 29.05.2008, 21:49
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U. S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 43 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, **** ! "



Only the states of Arkansas, Alabama, Missouri, Mississippi, Oklahoma,Tennessee,Texas, and South Carolina were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
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  #176  
Old 30.05.2008, 15:18
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Little old lady goes into a biker bar and demands to speak with leader
the leader of gang stands up and asks" what do ya need granny?
i want to join your gang, she says.
do you even own a leather jacket? he asks.
sure do its out side on my hog ! she replies.
got any tattooes?
sure do as she bares her arm.
hmmm, well have you ever been picked uby the fuzz before? he asks.
nope, but i have been swung by my nipples a few times ! she replies.
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  #177  
Old 31.05.2008, 08:42
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

Man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.

"Gimme a beer please, and how 'bout some water for my friend Tiny?"

"Sure thing." Bartender passes him a cold one and gestures at the lizard. "So why do you call him 'Tiny'?"

"Why, he's my newt!"
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  #178  
Old 02.06.2008, 16:08
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
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  #179  
Old 02.06.2008, 19:46
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she
married she was to please her husband and never upset him.


So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled
out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's
clothes and accidentally let out a big fart. She looked up and said:


"Aww so sowwy...excuse please, front hole so happy back hole laugh out
loud."
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  #180  
Old 02.06.2008, 20:17
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

A man walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter. After sitting drinking for a while, he needs to visit the toilet, so leaves his pint and goes to shake his weasel.

When he returns to his pint, he discovers that it tastes disgusting and so complains angrily to the barman.

"You tasted this beer?" he asks furiously.

The barman points to a woman across the pub and tells the man - "That woman came up and farted in your bitter"

The man storms across the pub to question the woman.

"You fart in me Whitbread?" he asks.

"No," replies the woman, "Tessa Sanderson"
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