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  #1  
Old 27.02.2008, 11:44
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Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

1. Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor,doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at
him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside."
"...How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your oyster ... go
for it."

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad,or my
older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today."
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' "So
that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

"My spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places."
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Old 27.02.2008, 11:59
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Re: terrible jokes

Thanks for the laugh where did you find all those jokes?
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Old 27.02.2008, 12:06
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Re: terrible jokes

I've just kept loads of them from friends I've recieved over time.
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Old 27.02.2008, 12:08
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Re: terrible jokes

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I've just kept loads of them from friends I've recieved over time.
Thanks for sharing with us must of taken you ages to write all of them
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Old 27.02.2008, 12:12
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Re: terrible jokes

great stuff.... brightened my day a lot!!
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Old 27.02.2008, 12:52
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Re: terrible jokes

It's the great man Tommy Cooper! "Two aerials got married, I went to the wedding but the reception was bad!"

More Tommy Cooper jokes
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Old 27.02.2008, 13:17
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Re: terrible jokes

Thanks for the Wednesday laugh Swisscath.

To celebrate my 500th posting, here's some great one-liners that I've collected over the years from Steve Wright:

Enjoy


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.


Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.


I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.


I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy.


If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?


Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.


Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.


When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.


If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.


Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder


24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case ... Coincidence?


If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.


Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.


Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.


When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.


Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.


Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!


If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?


Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?


What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.


I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.


I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.


I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.


Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.


How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?


Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.


Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?


For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?


Black holes are where God divided by zero.


All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
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Old 27.02.2008, 13:23
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Re: terrible jokes

Flashman you are so funny i nearly wet my pants from laughing so hard can i print that out so i can take it and show some of my friends later?

Last edited by Sutter; 27.02.2008 at 13:35.
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Old 27.02.2008, 13:34
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Re: terrible jokes

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Flashman you are so funny i nearly wet my pants from laughing so hard can i print that out so i can take it and show some of my friends later
PUNC-TU-A-TION luv. That way we know if the last half of your sentence is a question.
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Old 27.02.2008, 13:35
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Re: terrible jokes

Thanks sorted
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Old 27.02.2008, 13:47
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Re: terrible jokes

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Thanks sorted
Still missed a few, never mind.
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Old 27.02.2008, 13:49
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Re: terrible jokes

What does a fish say when it walks into a wall?

Damn.
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Old 27.02.2008, 14:59
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Re: terrible jokes

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Flashman you are so funny i nearly wet my pants from laughing so hard can i print that out so i can take it and show some of my friends later?

Be my guest. They all seem to be in the public domain.

PS Just realised that posts in the off topic forums don't count towards my total so I'm trying to think of something creative / interesting /witty/ novel to submit for my 500th....
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Old 27.02.2008, 15:16
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Re: terrible jokes

OK. Here's a two part post with funny bumper stickers...
  1. Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
  2. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
  3. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
  4. If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
  5. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  6. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
  7. Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
  8. Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
  9. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  10. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
  11. Born free... taxed to death.
  12. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
  13. There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
  14. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  15. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
  16. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  17. I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
  18. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
  19. Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.
  20. I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
  21. IF -- A two letter word for futility
  22. I don't care, I don't have to.
  23. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  24. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
  25. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
  26. All men are idiots ... I married their king.
  27. The more you complain the longer God lets you live.
  28. Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
  29. This isn't Burgerking, you can't have it your way.
  30. If something goes without saying, LET IT!
  31. Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply
  32. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
  33. IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
  34. Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
  35. Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
  36. Spotted owl tastes just like chicken.
  37. Hang up and drive.
  38. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
  39. Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
  40. I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
  41. WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
  42. Lord save me from your followers.
  43. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
  44. Born again pagan.
Stay tuned...
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Old 27.02.2008, 15:18
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Re: terrible jokes

... and here's the second one.
  • God must love stupid people, he made so many.
  • I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
  • Cat... the other white meat.
  • Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  • Your kid may be an honor student but YOU'RE still an idiot!
  • There's too much youth, how about a fountain of smart.
  • It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
  • When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
  • Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  • Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
  • Wink, I'll do the rest!
  • Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • When there's a will, I want to be in it!
  • Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
  • It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  • Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
  • Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
  • Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling to good myself.
  • We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  • A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
  • Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else.
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  • Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
  • Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
  • Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
  • Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
  • I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
  • I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
  • Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
  • They laughed at me when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now!





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  #16  
Old 27.02.2008, 15:25
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Re: terrible jokes

Whats red and smells a bit like green paint??
























































Red paint
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Old 27.02.2008, 17:30
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Re: terrible jokes

Two blondes living in Oklahoma are sitting on the front porch talking,
when one says to the other,
"Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"

The other turns to her and says,

"Hellooooooo? Can you SEE Florida?"


Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary for surgery. As she lay her pet duck on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck 'Cuddles' has passed away."

The distressed owner cried out, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top
to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes, and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table, and also sniffed delicately
at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill, "£150.00", she cried, "£150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20.00, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it's now £150.00........."
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Old 27.02.2008, 19:10
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evening funny

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.
Nahh" said the bloke,
"I'm just a really bad conductor"
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Old 27.02.2008, 20:23
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

What do you call a man in the sea with no arms or legs? Bob
Man with a seagull on his head? Cliff
Man with houses either side of him - Ali
A dear with no eyes? No idea
A dear with no legs or eyes? Still no idea
Will ask the girl for some more tomorrow.
Her favourite, what's brown and sticky - A stick
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Old 27.02.2008, 21:11
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Re: Repertoire of terrible jokes [I challenge you]

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what's brown and sticky - A stick

Joker: Whats brown and sticky?

Mr Smith: ?

Joker: A stick

Joker: Whats brown and nutty?

Mr Smith: A Nut?

Joker: No, squirrel shit.
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