These funny conversations 'allegedly' took place between air traffic controllers, pilots and air crew around the world:

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."


Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."


Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."


Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Old as the hills but this is one of my favourite anecdotes, second to the true story an Airbus pilot told me last week about him convincing a poor cabincrew newbie that the undercarriage had stuck and the only way to dislodge it would be if she jumped up and down in the middle of the cabin. The worst thing about this story is that the poor girl did it again unprompted on their next approach...

dave

I really need to get myself an airband radio as I used to love listening to the Drayton/Heathrow ATC chatter as a kid. Perhaps my proudest moment was hearing the "Speedbird Concorde 4" call sign.. how easily pleased I was

Not required. Try here. Thanks button is down there somewhere so you can offset some of the bizarre groans I have recently got from tarot card readers and the like.

dave

While in the RAF and working one weekend on the runway doing a service on an arrester cable, we were getting well fed up because a C130 was doing circuits and every time we got down to work we were told to clear the area for the C130 to do another circuit,
After about the 4th time the conversation went something like:

Arrester 1 - Tower: You are cleared back onto RW130, be advised that 130 will be back in about 5 mins,

Tower-Arrester 1: Thanks but we will return to unit and continue once the hercy bird has ed off.

Arrester 1 - Tower: Rodger that, however, please remember that hercy birds fly away, they don't off.


And on another occasion when I was a bit keen to get finished doing the daily checks at 5am one morning:

Tower - Arrester 1: request permission to proceed along RW130 from West Arrest Barrier to East Arrest Barrier

Arrester 1 - Tower: Cleared to proceed along RW130

2 mins later as the vehicle I was driving touched about 60 MPH

Arrester 1 - Tower: Cleared for takeoff, have a nice flight.
.

"Geneva Tower, HBXXX, out of Yverdon, destination Annemasse, request clearance to cross the TMA to Annemasse"

"HBXXX, Geneva Tower, Annemasse has been closed for two weeks now, please advise intentions"

"Ummm.... ahhhh.... euhhh....mmmmm"

I recall this one..

A United Airlines captain said this to Sydney, Australia approach control..:

"Sydney Approach ... United 839 heavy. Good morning. We're 50 miles out and have your island in sight..."

"United 839 heavy... Sydney Approach, You're cleared to circle the island twice. Then contact Sydney Tower on 121.9"

Well it's not ATC but from the days when I was young and foolish.

Of course I deny having anything to do with anything untowards that the photo may or may not show.

If only flying were as cool as it used to be.... just the food alone looks amazing:

There's a story I was told by a friend of mines Dad who used to design fuel systems and other bits and bobs for planes.
He was asked one day by a very rich Arab business man to build a device that would always point to Mecca when in the air.
After a few months puzzling over the problem he built a big gold brash looking compass and placed it in the plane.
His Arab client was delighted and paid him a small fortune...he never had the heart to tell him that it was just a normal compass with North scrubbed out and Mecca written in its place.

The food is still amazing...
Only, the cabin that receives that kind of food is so ungodly
expensive that only multi-millionaires and heads of state can
travel (and eat) like that

You think in those days that Joe Public could afford to travel like that?

Well, if you have a couple of creative and bored kids you'll end up with these pranks once you've landed:

http://www.verficktescheisse.com/lon...announcements/

Enjoy

It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance problems logged by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P); and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

ok so this isn't exactly a joke, but I can't figure out where else to put it and the EFers of the world should not be denied it's wisdom...

AN INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON.

Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.

Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on
the earlier part of the content.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet,
8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in
England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were
built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's
the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if
they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on
some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long
distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have
been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts,
which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the
matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge
of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an
Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/Process and
wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?' you may be exactly right.
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the
story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big
booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are
solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their
factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred
to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from
the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run
through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that
tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the
railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's
most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years
ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass
wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and
CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

Obligatory Snopes link.

Tht does slightly spoil the illusion. I prefer to stick with the vision from cherubrock's version.