Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers (Allegedly):


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * **

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ingstupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this -- I've got the
little Fokker in sight!"

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe
exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the
airport."


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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany,
overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British
accent):"Because you lost the bloody war!"
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on frequency 124.7 "

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure. By the
way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern
702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said: "What a cute little
plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one."


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The German air controllers at the Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the followingexchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active ru nway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt befo re?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I
didn't land."