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  #41  
Old 21.01.2014, 21:39
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

I needed a beer, no I really, really needed a beer, something over 5%, a beer and a single malt would do just dandy as this day had been my very own private view of hell.
Seven O'clock in the morning, we few Indians had gotten our assignment from our respective multitude of Chiefs….!
"Zit-face!" A young guy startled up, (I don't know the names yet) "cars and multimedia!"
"Blond, vacuum headed bimbo!" Half of the female crew looked up. "Animals and pets."
"Slammer!" He grinned at me, sitting in comfort in his black leather, high backed swivel-chair, stroking a white fluffy cat, "female undergarments!"

That meant that I would spend the next eight and a half hours scanning the realm of the online auction house for glitches in the undergarment matrix.
Now I know from contemporary pop-culture that vending machines selling used and unwashed girlie knickers are on every street corner and in the toilet of every Sushi-bar in Japan, right next to the condom vending machines, but I would never, ever have guessed that there is such a roaring trade in worn and unwashed wimmin's undergarments in Europe, at least in the part that I now find myself responsible for.
In fact, one month into the job and I tell you now that I could have gladly gone to my grave without knowing what I now know about the full spectrum of German sexual preferences.
And I have not known a sheltered life.
DTW's, (Damen Wäsche träger, Woman's (unwashed) undergarment wearers) after a half hour of screening the morning starts to get surreal, but they are not the worst, I really get grossed out by those who we simply call: "The Sniffers."
Go figure.
These buggers really make my skin crawl as I ikk and gag my way to the office watercooler.

As in every trade were you are in close contact with the great unwashed you really get to know your customers, here, Spammers, trolls, liars, fraudsters, cheaters, thieves, and downright organized criminals are the highway men and brigands and cut-throats and snake-oil salesmen of the 21st century, they constantly trawl the pages of the online auction house for prey, looking for chinks in the armor and finding on a daily basis new and inventive ways to rape and pillage and plunder.
I really have never held a high opinion of the human race and this job seems to confirm my somewhat jaded views.
Some of the adverts that scroll down on my screen are simply too ironic to be funny: "Weddingdress, worn only once" some range well into the moronic and the imbecilic, but the callousness of the person wanting to swap a family dog for, (and I quote) "something electronic" will haunt me for a long time.

The tedium of the job makes your thoughts wander and your minds-eye starts to paint a picture of the person behind the advert: "sugge krosse trenner" it sees a semi-literate fourth generation Turk looking for a cross-trainer from behind a computer screen in his room located in a monotonous sea of grey concrete high-rises somewhere in Berlin-Wedding…
…"Sugar-nose, Fluffy, our sweeeeety, sweet sweetsweet likkle doggy-woggy is looking for a new mummy and daddy, will you give him a warm place in front of your hearth.
For only 300 Euros you can give cutey sweety Fluffy-woofy your heart and Fluffy will give you his."
Text like these and a crudely Photoshopped picture of some dewy-eyed sick mutt padded out with little hearts and sparkles in a pink frame reveal a Romanian dog scam.
We do our very best to stop these S.O.B's in their tracks, but the sheer mass of adverts mean that some will inevitably get through.
Sorry about that!
However we do enjoy a high success rate of search and destroy for the really evil ones and especially those who's thoughts are way beyond evil, there where the human psyche dives into the cold, dark marrow-chilling realm of helter-skelter, a place where you and I do not want to be.
Sometimes it get's hard to stomach, especially for the younger crew in the 20 to 25 year age group, they have a high rate of attrition and come and go quite regularly, they came here to finance the party life on the streets of Paceville and Sliema, or to earn their living between semesters at collage and universities across Germany.
They come wide eyed and exited to be away from home for the first time and they leave with the ability to see beyond the onion-skin of civilization humans have veneered over the base, nasty psychotic predator monkey that we really are.
Not surprisingly there is an age gap between 25 and 45, above 45 the crew is composed of a certain type of person, each with a similar tale to tell.
Divorced and could no longer stomach the ghosts and sights and smells of familiar surroundings without loosing their minds, or men and women who have travelled a lot in their lives never finding stability or a place to finally call home, then the long term unemployed who are unable to find a job after reaching the big 50, some are throwbacks to the eighties and nineties of the last century and can longer function to the constraints in the expected norm of a politically correct world.
A former millionaire who lost everything on the stock market, or people who when asked what brought them to Malta, change the subject to the weather.
You know not to pry.
I would go so far to say that this company and others, like the online betting and the compare sites and money lenders are the French foreign legion of IT, they are a place to go when nobody else will have you.
..Any port in a storm.
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  #42  
Old 21.01.2014, 22:49
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

I loved your post. On the bright side you have a job and you are in amazing Malta. Have you done any of my suggestions in my post on the first page?

I love Swizy, but wish I was in Malta right now!
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  #43  
Old 21.01.2014, 23:02
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

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I loved your post. On the bright side you have a job and you are in amazing Malta. Have you done any of my suggestions in my post on the first page?

I love Swizy, but wish I was in Malta right now!
Of course, not yet all but a lot, the fridge is full of Cisk and fish, fish that is so fresh a decent vet, two electrodes and a car battery would have it wriggling again.
weizen at three fifty a pop at Fat Harrys (eat your heart out Pickwicks) and lst saturday went to see fungus rock on Gozo.
Now I know for a fact.... there is a humongous fungus among us!
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  #44  
Old 22.01.2014, 09:04
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

Try the Pub in Valletta, too, though I am not sure it has live music. Olliver Reid dropped dead here after running up a bar bill of £3000 or so in an afternoon. Way to go!

http://olliereed.co.uk/pub/

As for your Cisk, I would replace that with Prickly Pear Liqueur (OK, I'm a girl), and non-alcoholic Kinnie. I can actually buy Kinnie in Switzerland.
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  #45  
Old 22.01.2014, 21:59
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

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Try the Pub in Valletta, too, though I am not sure it has live music. Olliver Reid dropped dead here after running up a bar bill of £3000 or so in an afternoon. Way to go!

http://olliereed.co.uk/pub/

As for your Cisk, I would replace that with Prickly Pear Liqueur (OK, I'm a girl), and non-alcoholic Kinnie. I can actually buy Kinnie in Switzerland.
In all honesty I prefere Blue Label but I did at least give (on your recomendation) the Prickly Pear Liqueur the benifit of the doubt and tried a glass, yes it is a drink a girl would like...!
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  #46  
Old 04.02.2014, 15:26
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

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..likkle update...
I set off this morning from Basel, and needed to to the alpine transit before dusk and the re-freezing of the damp roads, I got iced out just short of the Gotthard but managed to get to Milan and onto the A7 to Genova before I got caught in icy, very dense fog, freezing fog with zero visability and dark and Italian drivers are not compatible with Slammer and the pig, so I Holed up just past Pavia for bed and pizza and a rough bathtub red and grappa.
I will hit the ferry from Genua to Palermo for the 23.00 sailing tuesday, then ride around Sicily to Pozzallo and the ferry to Valetta.
Wish me luck.
The Grappa sounds good...
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Old 04.02.2014, 15:48
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

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and snipped, but I get the reply too... EF what are you up to?.
Finally Bexie has got to read the Chronicals of Slammer, and appreciated the general wisdom and humor therein.

Sorry for being so long, but as you know, I am temporarilly housed in the airline lounge of Zurich whilst our corporate meisters play European Capital City Pinball with my life.

Binky is in the stable, dreaming of the open road and a reunion with Iron Pig.
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  #48  
Old 09.02.2014, 19:07
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

I just read this thread - somehow I thought it was a joke from the title. Too witty for me? I'm so glad you found something, and I hope you will enjoy it! I love, love your writing. Slammer on the road is a fabulous story. I hope you will keep writing and keep sharing! Again wishing you the best!
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  #49  
Old 19.02.2014, 19:47
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

I am actually starting to get the occasional morsel of fun in my role of god of mod for the online auction house that I now find myself working for.
I'm turning into a lean, mean, fraudster killing machine.
Ancient hunting instincts kick in when we stalk our fraudster prey and It gets actually quite a lot of fun to hunt down and kill those who want to cheat others of their money, but as always there are two sides to the game, some of the buggers that I come across are simply full of chutzpah and place offers so over the top that it staggers belief that otherwise normal, rational thinking people can get stupid enough to actually go through with the "deal of a lifetime" and pay good money up front.
Tell me honestly.
You wouldn't give money to a stranger that you just met on the bus and who has offered you a Rolex for, let's say, 149.95€ with the promise to bring it round to your house later, you give him the cash and say: "see you at eight then!"
But some faulty wiring in our monkey brains lets people think it's fine to do it online, I think that I know what it is.
It's greed, simple greed, both on part of the fraudster and the cheated, people simply forget the basic rule…!
"If it's too good to be true, it is!"
And it's hard to believe with what kind of stuff they use to cheat with, from babies clothes to mega yachts, it's all there.
I'm running a personal vendetta against one fraudster well known for selling farm equipment, tractors, trailers, diggers, you name it, I hold a deep grudge against the S.O.B. because I missed a fraudulent bobcat, you know, one of these one man digger thingies and as a consequence got my ass dragged over the coals by the team leader.
But I've got his MO now and his little bitch ass is mine, whenever I come across him I can&ban him with little giggles of glee.
Makes my whole day.
Now and then (on a good day) you get into catfights with those on a mission from god wanting to save the world by way of the word of Jesus; I can their asses with the same template we use for Sects, Nazis, extremists and other fanatical fascist ramblers, another fun kill are those who know how to cure cancer with some mystic Tibetan herbal tea and crystals charged with cosmic energy.
They almost always start bitching and complaining that we are in the hand of big pharma or the evil world government or Satan and why do we delete them when all they want to do is to bring healing and goodness to the world?
"Because it's fun and because I can"
*ClicketyClick*
Bye bye!

But along with the good fun stuff, I also have to take the bad...
..A whole afternoon of screening for women's maternity bra's had left me with double vision, one memorable set of drogue chutes in 74F is etched into my mind forever, it looked like two sleeping bags tied together with ratchet straps.
But that was not the only thing setting my eyeballs on fire, for days Malta had been getting south wind and that had meant, sand, dust and ground up dried flying camel shit had found it's way from Africa into my eyes.
Glancing into in the mirror I thought that I looked like a rabbit with Myxomatosis.
Then, late one afternoon a huge wall of sand and dust blanketed the islands, visibility dropped to zero and the very air tasted gritty and dusty, everything the cloud touched, streets, houses, cars and Iron pig, was covered in a thick layer of sand.
We were compensated in the evening when the air cleared with a sunset and a sunrise in the morning that was simply out of this world.
I have been told that sometimes the sandstorms are so intense they get charged by static electricity and you can see lightning flashing in the murk, that must be like experiencing something straight out of the mind of Lovecraft.


Sunset over St. Pauls bay after the sandstorm, I did my best but pictures simply do not do the colors justice in anyway.

The Southwind soon gave way to a storm from the west and it rained with a vengeance, it counted only as a lick from the tongue of the gales lashing the coastlines of the north Atlantic, but it was enough, some roads got washed away by the pounding waves and the wind howled and moaned, knocking down billboards and blowing over what was not tied fast.

Palmtrees in a gale, totally aerodynamic.

The gales passed and the sun came out to play, come the weekend I decided to fire up the Pig and visit Gozo, the little island to the north, it's not too far, only 10 Kilometres to the ferry from where I live, but a ride of almost a hour, it's a strange fact that every trip here on Malta seems to take one hour, from my flat to work, one hour, to pretty bay in the south, one hour, to the cliffs, one hour, to the ferry, one hour, to nearest Weizenbeer dispensing pub, well, duh! Five minutes..
But speaking of Iron Pig.
Poor thing has been shedding bits of fairing lately from bouncing along the three dimensional roads and I have had to do some fibreglass repairs to strengthen the screw holes and brackets.
True, some of the roads have been resurfaced, paid for by EU money, but these roads are the ones that the tourist busses use, the rest, well I have given some stretches names, "Baby bottom," because it is like riding over well oiled baby asses, "Tar snake" not so much in that there are a lot of tar snakes, the whole road is a tar snake, "Kidney crusher," "Hemmerhoid basher," and my favourite: "The Scrotum!"
Fifty minutes later we rode onto the ferry where, much to my surprise, there are no provisions to lash a motorbike down and I was advised to stay with the bike as it: "will get a bit rough."
"Great" I thought, you try to hang on to a BMW 1100 LT doing the funky chicken.
Luckily it wasn't that bad but the car alarms that kept on blurting out the whole trip drove me a bit crazy and I was glad to get of the ferry.
Gozo, I found, is quite different to Malta, distinctively different, greener and it would seem more of a sleepy art colony and senior citizens refuge to Malta's economic dynamo.
The Maltese like to come to Gozo to hang out and chill and I rode past bars an pubs with men and women sitting outside, shirts open and wearing Italian style sunglasses, drinking, what else, Cisk, and I thought that it looked like a relaxed Mediterranean tiger licking it's balls in the bright sun.
I spent the rest of the afternoon slowriding and exploring before heading to the rodeo on the ferry back to Malta.
So anyway here are a few impressions, have fun.

St. Pauls bay, I live just round the corner past the jetty.

A great spot for fishing.

Taking the horses for a swim.

From the movie "Popeye" the village, now a tourist attraction and quite a fun place to visit.
Malta has a huge movie industry, along the coast somewhere are the ships built for Troy, the one with Brad Pitt.
But nothing can surprise you as riding along and coming across a German type VII C U-Boot, a bit of research and I found out that it was a working diesel powered boat built for the film U-571. Heck, do I want to get a closer look at that bad boy.

Went for a swim the other day and took my camera with me.


At first I thought the fish were cute as they nibbled away on me, but then I realized that they are actually trying to eat me, after that I did't find the little buggers "cute" at all.
Impressions from slowriding around Gozo.

And yes, that is a person standing over the arch.

A little inland sea, accessible from the natural tunnel

Along the coast road.

Fungus rock.

Time for a coffee.

Incandescent sunrise over Vallletta.
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Old 19.02.2014, 19:55
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

Fantastic pictures, looks beautiful.
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  #51  
Old 19.02.2014, 20:58
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

Loved your post and the photos are incredible.
Thank you Slammer.
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Old 19.02.2014, 21:37
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

Spent almost two weeks there a few years back and loved Malta and Gozo. The food was amazing and the sights were equally stunning. Looking forward to returning. Enjoy!

Bought honey in Gozo and it was excellent!
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  #53  
Old 19.02.2014, 22:08
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

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Spent almost two weeks there a few years back and loved Malta and Gozo. The food was amazing and the sights were equally stunning. Looking forward to returning. Enjoy!

Bought honey in Gozo and it was excellent!
So did I, slowly slurping that glass empty spoonfull by spoonfull, reminds me, godda get me some more.
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Old 03.03.2014, 16:21
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

...took a dive an hour ago, the roads here are (there is no way to put it politly) crap, I may have mentioned it.
Just riding back from Valletta and turned into a roundabout, I could feel the back wheel twitch, just a leeeeetle *twitch* and WHAMMO! We were down and sliding.
It´s incredible, in parts the roads are as smooth as glass, infact you can see the reflection of the sun and they are seemingly coated with what appears to be talcum powder.
The rollbar caught the fall but still we cracked our side case, banged our hip and broke a winker glass, and oh Thank you IXS for your tough biker rags, again ATGATT saves having skingrafts.
I am a carefull rider and take these roads like I would if they were coated in ice but still Iron Pig and I slid 50 Metres into oncoming traffic to much squealing of brakes.
People stopped and helped, wanting to call an ambulance, but I am not hurt (much) and only minor damage to the Pig, so after I picked myself up I was able to carry on home, sitting there now, aching like a mofo but with a cold Weizen thinking that it could have been just soo different.
I have rather new Bridgestones mounted but still gonna see the local dealer if there are any tires available that handle differntly on these roads, one fall is enough.
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Old 03.03.2014, 16:30
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

Geez Slammer!
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Old 03.03.2014, 16:33
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

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...took a dive an hour ago, the roads here are (there is no way to put it politly) crap, I may have mentioned it.
Just riding back from Valletta and turned into a roundabout, I could feel the back wheel twitch, just a leeeeetle *twitch* and WHAMMO! We were down and sliding.
It´s incredible, in parts the roads are as smooth as glass, infact you can see the reflection of the sun and they are seemingly coated with what appears to be talcum powder.
The rollbar caught the fall but still we cracked our side case, banged our hip and broke a winker glass, and oh Thank you IXS for your tough biker rags, again ATGATT saves having skingrafts.
I am a carefull rider and take these roads like I would if they were coated in ice but still Iron Pig and I slid 50 Metres into oncoming traffic to much squealing of brakes.
People stopped and helped, wanting to call an ambulance, but I am not hurt (much) and only minor damage to the Pig, so after I picked myself up I was able to carry on home, sitting there now, aching like a mofo but with a cold Weizen thinking that it could have been just soo different.
I have rather new Bridgestones mounted but still gonna see the local dealer if there are any tires available that handle differntly on these roads, one fall is enough.
ouch. take it easy, slammer. maybe have an extra drink for the nerves!
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Old 03.03.2014, 16:33
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

Glad you're OK enough to be back home and posting!
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  #58  
Old 03.03.2014, 16:46
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

Never took a dive before so it´s equal part hurt pride/hurt hip.
Need another beer.
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Old 03.03.2014, 16:55
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

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Never took a dive before so it´s equal part hurt pride/hurt hip.
Need another beer.
....... and the bike?
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  #60  
Old 03.03.2014, 17:32
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Re: How do you make a Maltese cross…..?

...gets one too.
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