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Old 14.01.2013, 18:43
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help with cover letter

hi,
sorry - I am not sure, if this is the right section for that, but I am not a native speaker. But maybe one of you: I am applying for a graduate program and wrote an cover letter - for you it is maybe just a minute - would you help me and read this text and tell me, what is bad or wrong? It would be so nice, if you help me.



Thanks a lot!!!!
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Old 14.01.2013, 20:10
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Re: help with cover letter

Well it looks good, but then again being here so long has ruined my English so I am probably no judge.

Anyway, the only comment I would make is an alternative to the sentence in bold at the end

"I will submit my bachelor degree and TOEFL to you by the 1st of September 2013 . . . "
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Old 14.01.2013, 20:19
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Re: help with cover letter

A few suggestions

1st paragraph - name the university instead of "responsible Universities" (but maybe you were going to do that anyway)

2nd paragraph - maybe say where the University of Wuerzburg is, unless it is obvious to the university you're applying to - "at the University of Wurzburg (Germany)"

3rd paragraph - should be "My academic performance has always been at the top of the [or my] class..." - but I might say something like "As my records show, my academic performance has been exemplary during my time at the University of Wurzburg."

4th paragraph - I struggle a bit with the first sentence. Do you mean something like "I am specifically interested in your Master program because of its strengths in Optic and Radar research, which I am eager to learn more about."

bolded sentence as suggested above

Good luck!
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Old 14.01.2013, 20:45
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Re: help with cover letter

1. Capitalize 'Masters' in second-to-last paragraph ('all other materials...')
2. Make sure to demonstrate the benefit that you could offer the program, not just the benefit that they could offer you.
3. I'd make the last paragraph a bit stronger...it's your final 'sell'.
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Old 14.01.2013, 21:08
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Re: help with cover letter

Overall it is very good. Here are my remarks:
L1: typo: pursuing a Master's degree
L2/L3: I think u shoud re-word this: ...that the responsible Universities...
L5: add "Germany" if you are sending your letter from Switzerland... University of Würzburg, Germany. If your home address is in Germany then no need to add Germany. You might
L13: comma after future
L14: try to avoid using "things" and "for example"
L15: I think u shoud re-word this: ...the technical expertise...
L16: "I have" and not "I've" in a formal letter
L19: Re-word it
L20/L21: I would write: Thank you in advance for considering my application.
L22: You wrote: "I look forward to joining..." This might give them the feeling u r having a conqueror's attitude, therefore change this to smthg more humble.

If you are sending your letter to a British Univ: write: programme instead of program. Program = American English

If your name has umlaut, change it to e. Zürcher -> Zuercher
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Old 14.01.2013, 21:17
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Re: help with cover letter

Nice to pop by and hand out jobs on your first post without even introducing yourself and get people to actually help you, isn't it? I suspect you will go far in life - irrespective of your cover letter....
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Old 14.01.2013, 22:29
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Re: help with cover letter

@ me.anon, anowheels, Megsandbacon and Chuderwältsch: Thank you a lot! You helped me so much. And of course – I am sorry not introducing myself. It is no excuse, but the only thought during application is application

And of course (@Caviarchips): I understand that you don't like newbies, that post just one topic, get help and won't help other people. Before I moved to wuerzburg I was an active member in some other forums. So I know that this is a 'problem' for some members – but I am glad, that I found help in this public forum.

So thanks again!
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