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Old 16.01.2020, 12:48
RedSoloCup RedSoloCup is offline
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Location: Narnia, ZH
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Re: At the end of my rope.. husband, two dogs..

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I am glad you are safe but I am so sorry for what you have and are experiencing.
Thank you. I am very sorry too..

Sorry to hear that you're going through an awful time.

Hoping the bad times are brief. Stay strong!
I am trying, but I feel at my weakest at this point.

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Not sure where you hail from, but, are you ok with the residency permit?

Good luck and hope things will turn for the better for you soon!
I am American. I have gone to a certain office, (will not reveal so that I am not giving away anything to anyone who knows me and could be looking), and I have found out that the laws for Domestic Violence in Switzerland have changed for the better. My neighbours all know what has been going on with me, they have heard my husband yelling from our house. Given that my neighbours know what is going on, and that they are willing to write on my behalf, that they have called the police and worried for my safety, I can prove that my husband was being abusive and this separation is necessary. It has been suggested we go to Paarberatung.. during the separation, I am ok with this, but the lady I met with regarding domestic violence said most likely these people do not change. So I am not a glass half empty or half full person... I am just practical and statistics show the outlook is not good.

I have had depression, struggles with mental health and post traumatic stress due to a tumultuous past. I shared this with my husband and he used the information against me to make me think it is my own fault that I am currently sick and unmotivated. This is what happened:

1. No access to accounts. I have to ask permission to spend anything. I cannot get money if he says no.

2. At least every other day I am called the following words in Swiss German "Fette sau," "Fotze," "Tussi," "Dummiekuh," "arschloch," "bitch," "dumm," "faul" and so on. I am also told I am worthless, I do not contribute anything monetarily and I "don't do anything." He has made fun of how I look, my weight and my body. Called me fat, told me I would look better if I lost weight even though I am the same size as when we met. Even though I told him that weight and issues around food were below the belt with me because I have a few disorders around those areas. He has hit me a few times, but honestly that didn't really bother me. I defended myself and I healed from that. I am admittedly sensitive and a bit weak so when people make fun of me or make me feel small with insults, they stick in my head a while. He says I need to get over it and stop living in the past, but the past was literally two days ago and has been going on since even before that.... so I do not know how I am supposed to "move on" from dysfunctional behaviour that is still present. I do not get it. He also yells at me in public, and this makes me feel.. I can't explain.. but if you know how in the cartoons the ostriches put their head in the sand? I get that feeling...

3. My mental health has been used against me. Although I coped with these issues and I was very upfront will all of my problems, my husband's understanding did not last long. When I needed support he would berate me, tell me I used my depression as an excuse and so on. Was jealous when I wanted to go to a therapist. So I spent a long time thinking I was a bad, lazy, shitty, stupid unmotivated person because with all of the name calling and put downs my symptoms became worse. After being screamed at and called all of these really horrible words, I would have days that I just was resting in bed with the curtains closed, no light. I had extreme anxiety and with the exception of walking the dogs and appointments when I could keep them, I just wouldn't go out. I became a bit agoraphobic and did not want to see anyone when I came outside.

The house was in disarray because I did not clean it, because even when I did he would just say I do nothing and I don't earn any money so I have no value. I just kind of gave up and let everything go. I would cook us dinner and make enough for him and he would not eat the food and let it spoil which hurt my feelings. I even came up with a budget for the month and a cleaning chart so we could stay on task with chores while I was in school and job hunting and he just laughed in my face. I started to feel like I didn't exist, because everything I did was never acknowledged. Whenever I would ask him a question he would say "don't be stupid" or roll his eyes, or sigh, or just dismiss me all together.

4. I have not been the perfect wife. I have my faults, but after speaking to the lady in the office I realise that verbal and emotional abuse are real issues and it seemed really stupid to me, that I was so impacted by all that he has said, but it is not stupid or weak. I LOGICALLY know the words he says are not true, but EMOTIONALLY not absorbing the words is next to impossible. The constant ruminating about WHY someone who loves you would put you down.. and not coming up with an answer is just maddening. He said he "wanted to make me toughen up" or something like this, but I told him I respond better to constructive criticism and positive reinforcement. Who is made better by being put down? I don't know what it helps. But at this point I feel confused and like he has done enough gaslighting for a decade.

5. All I can say is that if you stay around a person putting you down enough you start to feel like an idiot that is incapable of managing your life. At first I just was thinking to myself, "he is angry, he will calm down" and so on.. but as time went on those words and passive aggressive behaviours became part of my psyche and subconscious. It is truly sad. I really hope therapy and these consultations help me to see myself less negatively and more objectively. I need to make sense of all that happened, and I need to separate what I am responsible for and what I did not deserve .. as I have a big cloud of guilt over my head and I don't know why.

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I am so very sorry.

You have shown great strength and courage in leaving; I wish you all the very best.

meloncollie, thank you so much, also for the information. I feel like a scaredy-cat right now..
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