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Old 08.06.2020, 07:50
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Re: Any good family lawyer for defending fathers in child custody matter?

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Thank you everyone for your helpful and thoughtful responses.

Regarding the distance that mother wants to move.
People get stuck to the fact that it's 45 km, but what matters to me as I said above is that it takes 1h20m w/ public transportation from my home, or 50min-1h with the car, all one way.
Why I find this bad? It's not in the kid's best interest. I don't know the law, and I am not a lawyer obviously, but here's why I think that is:
  • It'll be hard for the baby to come to my place because of the distance (assuming that during the first months/years? I won't get any overnights or extended time because baby is breastfeeding)
  • For the baby to be able to spend time at our current flat will make the transition easier (I guess). This flat is all this baby has known. Yes I know that they are babies and can adapt fast and whatnot, but AFAIK, you must not change/disrupt what has been a routine/normality for a baby. Suddenly going to live in a another flat, sounds too disruptive to me and can be stressful for the baby. Baby's feeling of home is this flat. I am not saying that baby should never move out, but being able to spend time here too, will ease the transition.
  • It's in baby's best interest to spend as much quality time with both parents as reasonably possible, and have easy access to BOTH parents. Spending time in trains or in car baby seats (which babies hate), is not really quality time. It's actually time lost.
  • When kid grows, it'd be so convenient for all of us if we can simply walk from one place to the other.
Some people are asking why she wants to move there; it's her mom's place. Though of course I find it reasonable and helpful if she has family to help, however, I do think easy access to the father (to cover / help etc) should be of higher priority than access of the grandmother. Is this totally unreasonable?

Of course, if she moves there, I will move close there as well eventually. Having easy access to my baby is all I care about.

- Of course I want things to be amicable for the benefit of my child. At the same time, I want to ensure that I can get a lot of time with my baby and not become a father of every other weekend. I care for my baby, I have been involved in everything since day 1, and I want to continue to do so. Every free second I have in a day, goes to my baby. And yes i can work flex hours and could even go 80%.

For whatever reason you and the mother have reached the end of your relationship and, hard as it may be, you need to face the reality that you will no longer have the breastfeeding baby under the same roof as you and so no longer involved in everything on a daily basis every free second you have. Those are the hard facts. That doesn't mean you will become an every other weekend father but there will be boundaries and you are going to have to accept those reasonable boundaries and visitation rules for everyone's benefit and well being.

It is certainly in your best interest if mother moves within walking distance so you have easiest and most frequent access possible but it is not in hers and a breastfeeding baby will be very attuned to the negative emotions of an unhappy and stressed mother which is, in turn, bad for baby. Just because baby is close by does not mean you will be allowed to walk in and out for a visit whenever you please and you need to let go of any hope that you will.

Yes, it is totally unreasonable to try to deprive the mother of family support when that family is close and willing to help. It is not about whether a father has priority of access over a grandmother. It is not about access at all rather about you needing to accept that you will no longer be the one to give care and support to either of them on a daily basis and it is better for baby that a loving grandmother fills that gap for both baby and mother.

Would you prefer when mother is away from baby that she hire a stranger to babysit or that she entrust your child into the care of a grandmother? Again, you must accept you will not be the one she will turn to on a daily basis. What might happen in the future, as the baby grows, will depend on your reasonableness right now. Who knows where either of you will be living then and it has no bearing on the circumstances right now which is that it is better for the baby if it is living in a household where the mother has much needed love and support from family

I understand you adore your baby and are distraught at the thought of not seeing the child when you wake up and before you go to bed each night but those are the realities of your situation. You might want to convince yourself that you are fighting the mother because it is in the baby's best interests where, in reality, you are putting your needs first. If you are able to get past your pain and panic and realise that, it will be a better life for everyone.

Last edited by Mr Dog; 08.06.2020 at 08:04.
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