So... you finally get round to calling an old friend back in the Old Country. You haven't spoken for a while, and you're interested in knowing what she's been up to.

You chat for a few minutes about work, shared acquaintances, family, the weather... and then she starts to tell you about Coronation Street, or the X-Factor, or the Wire, or Come Dine With Me or somesuch rubbish.

You protest: "But I live in Switzerland; and anyway, my telly doesn't work; and even if it did, I'd never watch it, what with going to work, baiting intellectuals on the internet, going to the Odeon, working my way through my pile of unread books and being recently married... why are you trying to tell me about what you saw on the telly?"

But no... she insists on telling you about Jack Duckworth dying, or some fat bloke called Wagner singing or something equally un-world-shattering, so you change the subject to current affairs. Perhaps you want to talk about a drug bust, or a terrorist attack that was foiled, or the economy... but no, the assault on your ears continues:

"Oh yes, drug dealers. Have you seen the Wire? There was a really good epis...."

"No! I haven't seen the sodding Wire! I don't watch the telly!"

"Well, there was this documentary about Islamic schools on BB..."

"No! I don't watch documentaries! I don't watch the telly, and they're all a load of cobblers anyway!"

"Well, on Panorama the other d...."

[click... brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr]

Friends and family back home are the worst culprits, but they are by no means the only ones guilty of boring the pants off people with their accounts of what they've seen on the telly.

Now listen here, all of you: The telly is not real. It is all fiction. Yes: all of it. Even Panorama.

And I am not remotely interested in any of it.

Now, if you wish to engage me in conversation, tell me about your personal experiences, or someone you met in the pub, or a book you read, or even, Jove help us, something off the internet.

But please, for the love of all that is beautiful in the world, please stop telling me about the bloody telly!

I'm watching a great film on the telly right now... It's a really nice telly.

Enjoy yourself! There are few things nicer than snuggling up in front of a good film on a dreich, drab and dreary afternoon.

Just don't tell me about it afterwards. Especially if you are using it to illustrate some point in a discussion about worms or Finnish minority rights or tapioca pudding.

Ta.

Books aren't real either....

Would Paddy Chayefsky please stand up. Okok that's a movie reference which is sort of tv anyway. The only reason why its important to watch TV is because its what everyone else is doing. It's the beating heart of modern popular culture, much as the radio was 60 years ago, the magazine was 90 years ago and the book was 150 years ago. If youre not in, you're out and then everything else is irrelevant.

Posted in haste from the train.

Not everything is bad on telly. Like any other media you need to be selective if you really want to enjoy your time.

I knew you didn't hate everything that is Scottish

But hardly anyone in the Odeon, or the Viadukt, or even the Oliver Twist, is watching this rubbish.

Why should I do what "everyone else" in a country 1000 miles away is doing?

I think I might just stop phoning people in England. They're always miserable all the time, anyway.

Not that I can blame them...

The overwhelming majority of what's on the telly is appalling. Especially the supposedly "intelligent" stuff. I would sooner gnaw off my own foot than watch a television documentary.

But that's not my point. The telly is enjoyable, for sure. I've even got some DVDs that I watch from time to time. But that doesn't mean that I should babble endlessly on about them to people who have never seen them and wouldn't be remotely interested in them if they had.

And to use something seen on the telly as an example of anything in a discussion concerning real life matters is worthy of a hard stare and pursed lips.

Please... just don't.

what's on the telly tonight ?

Xfactor AND strictly come dancing


I'm sorry but Anne Widdecombe being dragged around a dance floor is nothing but entertainment.

I can accept that, and your succinct description of that programme is acceptable.

What is not acceptable is when, after I've said that I've never seen Strictly Come Dancing, you then proceed to tell me all about it, at great length, with oh-so-hilarious descriptions of what happened last week to two celebrities I've never heard of, while struggling to get your words out between bursts of laughter, while I sit at the other end of the phone waiting for you to tell me about something I give a bugger about.

But you wouldn't do that, I'm sure.

That new Reggie Perrin series was quite good though, wasn't it.

Beats my conversations with my family when I call back

'Hi porsch1909, how are you?'

'I'm fine maw, how are you?

'I'm fine as well. How is your work?'

'Work is fine.'

*Silence*

'Okay, well talk to you later.'

brrrrrrrrrr

I've been watching the RAI Uno exclusively lately.... so many pretty italian women in there....

a discussion is not just about you, it's also about the other interlocutor. If you tell them about switzerland, a country they've never been to (maybe) they still listen to you i guess....
PS: your problem is a typical male issue. Women actually enjoy listening to their interlocutor talking about everything and nothing

Maybe your friend finds her life so boring that she lives it through tv series that can add some action and meaning to it?

I can illustrate my position like this:

I like beer. I like to meet friends and drink beer. I like to go to cafes and bars that serve beer and drink it. Sometimes I drink too much beer, start to babble and can't walk straight. Sometimes I see, hear and experience unusual and amusing things while drinking beer.

I try to avoid, however, boring the socks off my friends and family overseas with long accounts of what happened during the evening, how much I had to drink, what I had to drink, who I met in the bar, how amusing it was to see someone selling birdboxes attached to a board on his back, how funny it is that I speak better German the more my English deteriorates through the evening.

They simply would not be interested in hearing the names of my friends and acquaintances, listed by name, and all the funny things that happened in a bar they'll likely never visit, living 1000 miles away and having no money for jollies to Switzerland and "hilarious" nights out at 9 CHF a pint.

They might listen politely. But they wouldn't be interested.

Swap the Viadukt Bar for Britain's Got Talent and you'll see where I'm coming from.

Surely if it's a friend they should know you don't like to talk about that sort of thing?

I like to hear stories from friends about how they got totally smashed on a night out. It's pretty funny actually.