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  #61  
Old 01.04.2011, 15:12
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Re: The Me Myself and I

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Not much you can do. But one thing that helped me a lot was to feel so welcome in my husband's family. They really really love me and make me feel like their own daughter.

If your husband gets that from your parents, it doesn't make it easier to accept his family but it helps him to feel that it is not him the problem.

You can't choose your family... But we can choose what we are ready to accept or not from them. It does make me feel sad when I see how great my husband's family is, because I wish I had that too.... until I remember that I am married to him and his family is now my family too!

Thanks for your advice and suport.

The thing is now he is trying to "change" his parents.
He lectures them about how they should behave and how great my family is.
But people can't change. Not at this age at least.
It seems he can't accept they are just like that.

I try to point out that now we have our own family and we should learn both from our parents. The good things and the bad things.Those will make us better parents.
He is such a great father himself. I'm so proud of what he has accomplish so far.
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  #62  
Old 01.04.2011, 17:10
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Re: The Me Myself and I

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It's sad that they can't accept you, that must make things very hard.
I struggled with it for a couple of years.

Not to take this OT but I think it might relate to some of the comments others have written here too in regards to parent/ child relationships

The thing that helped most was when I realised that parents are people too. When we're young we think they know everything and are perfect (how many of us had 'my dad is better than your dad' arguments when we were little? ). We expect them to act rationally and with our best interests at heart. But as we grow up and we move away from the family nest we're able to look at our parents more objectively and discover that they are just as flawed and messed up as the rest of the world. That they can be selfish and infuriating.

I've attempted to stop putting idealistic expectations on my parents and to accept them for the imperfect people they are. I love them but I can no more change their ideals and way of life than I could stop the sun rising tomorrow. And as long as I can go to sleep with a clear conscience I'm happy with my life; no matter how my parents may judge it otherwise.
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  #63  
Old 01.04.2011, 17:20
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Re: The Me Myself and I

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And if you don't want to go this year and go somewhere else, they make you feel like a selfish prick.

Do you have those people around you
Something similar happened recently. Maybe perspective from others on here might be helpful.

A really good friend of mine told me recently that she's taking 2 weeks off work and touring Italy with her husband. Asked if we would meet her in Milan since its just "next door". Yes, next door to Ticino, Lugano and the likes, but not Zurich!

Money for her to come see me is not a problem because if you can afford plane tickets from Asia to Italy, and asked me where the outlets for Prada, Bottega and Ferragamo are, you arent short of money. Even so, surely you can take money out from that budget to come visit a friend whom you've been complaining that you havent seen for 2 years? At least - that is something I would do to see a friend. Is it too much for me to expect the same from a friend? Someone who claims that I am one of her best friends??

I've told her that I am making another trip that same month (which is true!) and dont have the budget for the Milan trip. She sulked and has since not spoken to me. Very bizzare behaviour since she has always been a rock solid friend.

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Old 01.04.2011, 17:31
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Re: The Me Myself and I

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Something similar happened recently. Maybe perspective from others on here might be helpful.

A really good friend of mine told me recently that she's taking 2 weeks off work and touring Italy with her husband. Asked if we would meet her in Milan since its just "next door". Yes, next door to Ticino, Lugano and the likes, but not Zurich!

Money for her to come see me is not a problem because if you can afford plane tickets from Asia to Italy, and asked me where the outlets for Prada, Bottega and Ferragamo are, you arent short of money. Even so, surely you can take money out from that budget to come visit a friend whom you've been complaining that you havent seen for 2 years? At least - that is something I would do to see a friend. Is it too much for me to expect the same from a friend? Someone who claims that I am one of her best friends??

I've told her that I am making another trip that same month (which is true!) and dont have the budget for the Milan trip. She sulked and has since not spoken to me. Very bizzare behaviour since she has always been a rock solid friend.

Selfish more likely... How about you compromise. Meet somewhere between Zurich and Milan?
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Old 01.04.2011, 17:52
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Re: The Me Myself and I

Funny how families are similar everywhere. I've been living overseas continuously since 2005 and only in the last year have gotten over feeling hurt when I fly halfway across the world to visit siblings who suddenly have a really packed weekend schedule and very little time for me. My middle brother who moved to Spain last year has just had the same experience being back in the US and making a short trip to see them in Portland. On the flip side, as we get older everyone seems to make a little more money and last summer my parents and youngest brother actually made it out to Europe... Definitely hoping for more of that in the future since becoming a bit more thickskinned means I'm less enthusiastic about bending over backwards to make the effort on my own.
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Old 01.04.2011, 19:24
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Re: The Me Myself and I

i am blessed with the best parents one could ask for. they'd do (and they do) anything for us, give us everything and their biggest concern is not to say/do something that might slightly upset us...

i'm also lucky enough to have some good friends who genuinely care about me and how my life is here and they understand if i don't have time to see them everytime i go back to greece (altough i always do, as this is what i want. but just knowing that it would be ok not to see them lifts a weight off my heart)

and then there are the others. good friends or just people i know for years, who just don't get it. they pretend that they so much look forward to see you and then they don't change their schedule at alll, so that you can meet. on the contrary, they try to put you in a corner until you adjust yourself acccording to their schedule
"but come on, don't you have time on tuesday? not even half an hour??"
well, first of, it's NEvEer just half an hour. also, i need some time between reaching our meeting place and getting back home. because, of course, the meeting place has to be convenient for them.

*breathes*

i usually go back for one week minimum. a couple of times i happened to go back for 3-4 days only and -since it would be impossible to see everyone- i thought i had a brilliant idea! i informed everyone that on certain night i would be at this place from 7 onward and whoever wanted to see me was more than welcome! would you think anyone else apart from my very dear friends that i would see anyway bothered to come? Noooo! they wanted to meet "alone with me" or had other arrangmement or, or, or....

*breathes*
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  #67  
Old 01.04.2011, 23:01
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Re: The Me Myself and I

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Selfish more likely... How about you compromise. Meet somewhere between Zurich and Milan?
Between Zurich and Milan?? What, like somewhere in Kanton Schwyz?

Maybe I am still fuming but the past couple of days, I feel as if I am ready to ditch this friendship. The only reason that I am holding on is that she's been a really good friend. She makes the effort to include me in alot of stuff happening back home with videos / photos etc, we talk almost every week etc (and she didnt call me like she usually does today ) I just cant seem to get my head around this incident. Bear with me, since I cant bitch outright on FB
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Old 01.04.2011, 23:08
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Re: The Me Myself and I

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Between Zurich and Milan?? What, like somewhere in Kanton Schwyz?
I think if someone is able to come all the way from Asia, that person should be able and willing to pop to your side of the country. Come on, they are next door, they already did the whole trip and have the cash.

This is like a friend of us who goes to travel everywhere! US, Canada, the whole Europe, Middle East, etc. She is always going somewhere.

But she couldn't come to visit us when our first child was born. She couldn't come to visit us in 3 years... While she lives at 3 hours by car from us... No joking! She once went to Zurich to see a friend's match and called us on her way back to see if we had 5 minutes to see her in the next hour! No thanks!
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Old 01.04.2011, 23:58
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Re: The Me Myself and I

I'm wondering if any of you have pared down your 'real friends' list at all....
Are such 'friendships' worth maintaining no matter how far back they extend? What once was true when you were 12 may not be so true today. Also, is it worth getting so upset about it? What sort of effect do you think getting married, having children, and moving overseas had on your friendships? Did you spend as much time with them? Share as much? Do as many things together? Of course not. Life changes things. Let it go.
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Old 02.04.2011, 01:21
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Re: The Me Myself and I

I could never feel mature enough to give advise in this matter, but I can tell you my experience.

I cannot change the people or what they think, but I sure can change my position in a way they dont hurt me

First of all I stablished who is a real friend and who is not. When I go to mexico, why should I spend any of my time with people that never ask about me or my family? Colegues, school friends, random people I know normally doesnt even know Im visiting mexico because I dont want that stress. In the other hand my true friends just hear when I am there and they even book a date to get all together in the time and date I can. Im sure you all have this kind of people around you (you might realize you dont need both hands to count them, but their friendship is worth for millions)
Again, my non real friends are the ones who die to visit me free hotel and food, they will take us by car everywhere etc. To this people I am magically never available (sorry but another family member is also comming on that date, sorry but we are going on hollidays on those dates, etc.) Switzerland is not cheap for me to maintain people who doesnt really care about us.
My true friends or family knows I have 2 small children and is not easy for Mr Coco.nails to go out and they understand it and make no presion whatsoever.

Now on the family side, I simply dont argue with them, I let them think whatever they want because I could spend hours trying to explain the situation, they will still judge. They are welcome to visit us always and we will go whenever we can, but of course I have now my own family and is made of 4 members and we come before any other family we had before. I will never sacrifice my kids for pleasing anybody, specially if they will anyways find faults on us.
I am very lucky my parents are very understanding, my mom came in the birth of my first child and she couldnt come for the second but they send my sister to help me out.

Not sure if any of this info will help you in any way, but I was also stressed and worried about pleasing everybody until I became a mom, from there on I only care about whats best for my kids.
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Old 02.04.2011, 01:42
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Re: The Me Myself and I

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Any grand-parents on this forum looking to adopt 2 lovely grandchildren and a very nice mama? (When I am not hormonal, I am very nice, I promise!)

My parents will take u sis, but I must say momma is a big deal some times you will wish she doesnt care so much for you hahahahaha
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Old 02.04.2011, 10:55
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Re: The Me Myself and I

Ok, one lesson that I've learnt this morning: talk it out with friends whom you treasure, no matter how cross you are with them and NEVER ASSUME anything.

I decided to let give her a call earlier this morning and found out that she missed our Friday calls because she was travelling for work and I had missed her email (my fault as I havent checked since Wed!!) telling me that she would call me tomorrow.

As for the trip, she got cross because I told her earlier this year (before me and hubby planned our own trip) that Milan is ok for Sept - which I completely and utterly forgot that I said that. eek.

She didnt realise that I forgotten and still thought that Milan was more or less set when she booked her Italy tickets. So when I told her that we were going to Poland, she got the impression that I would rather have gone to another country than making the effort to be around when she is here. She said she wouldnt bother going to Milan if it wasnt for us and would have spent more time exploring other places and thought my lack of budget explaination was an excuse.

I got cross again and told her off for thinking that I would fob her off with an excuse. In the end, she saw the light and said that if we are going to Poland that month, and it doesnt clash with her dates, she will take a train to Zurich to come see us.

Gah...girly friendship dramas! I wish I was a bloke sometimes.

Moral of the story? Never assume. You'll make an ass out of you and me. If you're unhappy with a friend you treasure, trash it out because misunderstandings in communication can occur (together with bad memory!!!!!) and never walk away quietly. I am so glad I did. Still feeling like an arse though!
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Old 02.04.2011, 14:57
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Re: The Me Myself and I

I'm still waiting for my brother, who lives in Munich, to call me to wish me a Happy New Year. Oh well - maybe next year!!!
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  #74  
Old 02.04.2011, 15:13
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Re: The Me Myself and I

I just spoke to my dad.

Funny story.

A while ago, he asked me if I would have some help when I'll give birth and if my mother had the intention to come to help. She won't come because of reasons mentioned earlier.

My dad told me that he wished he could come to help me, that he could cook for me, and take care of me, etc but he didn't have the money to come over. I knew that and I found that was very sweet to wish it.

Both of my parents are retired. I believe they are at this golden age when they should be able to relax and enjoy life, trully. It this their time to have a nice and relax life and spoiled themselves.

I understand if you tell me that you don't have the money to come to help out your daughter giving birth to your grand-child. I won't argue with that nor would I ever get angry or mad at you because of it. Come on! I know how tough life can be with bills and last minutes bad surprise, etc...

But if a few weeks later you announced me you just bought the last model super mega TV screen, a week later an other big screen TV for the kitchen and now you are going to have someone coming over to install for you an Air Conditioner, I am kind of getting pretty pissed off at this point!

Yes it is all good if you want to enjoy life and make it easier. But don't tell me you don't have the money to come to help. You have the money, you just want to spend it on something YOU believe is more important.
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Old 02.04.2011, 17:11
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Re: The Me Myself and I

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Between Zurich and Milan?? What, like somewhere in Kanton Schwyz?
No, halfway would be Biasca.

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Old 02.04.2011, 17:42
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Re: The Me Myself and I

I totally sympathise with Nil. Personally I was so lucky as my parents visited often, and so did many friends. But as a mother of adult children and grand-mother - I can assure you that sometimes the boot is on the other foot- and it can hurt just as much. We do all the travelling as they are so busy - and yet...

As for visitors here- we love to see them but we always make a joke about our 1-2-3 rule and it works very well. We feed visitors day 1, we go out day 2 (Dutch) and THEY cook day 3. We take them out if we feel like it - but will also encourage them to do their own thing - providing ideas, cheap offers and even my car. No point being slaves to visitors and then resenting them for it - although I must say all visitors so far have automatically taken turns paying for shopping, petrol, etc.
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Old 02.04.2011, 19:42
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Re: The Me Myself and I

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I am kind of getting pretty pissed off at this point!
Maybe they've decided that they've already had enough hormonal Nil-drama in their lives and can't figure out a way to tell you other than 'we don't have the money'.

Why bother asking if you know the answer already?
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Old 02.04.2011, 19:54
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Re: The Me Myself and I

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Maybe they've decided that they've already had enough hormonal Nil-drama in their lives and can't figure out a way to tell you other than 'we don't have the money'.

Why bother asking if you know the answer already?
I can take hormonal jokes anytime because I am not affraid to make them myself and certainly not hiding this fact.

But this is pretty insensitive and totally rude, walk away if you can't bring something nice into this thread.
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Old 02.04.2011, 20:06
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Re: The Me Myself and I

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I can take hormonal jokes anytime because I am not affraid to make them myself and certainly not hiding this fact.

But this is pretty insensitive and totally rude, walk away if you can't bring something nice into this thread.
I gave you sound advice: don't go chasing after trouble. You're just causing yourself a lot of unnecessary heartache and angst. If you choose to ignore that advice, feel free. What are you actually accomplishing by making yourself more and more upset?
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Old 02.04.2011, 20:20
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Re: The Me Myself and I

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Maybe they've decided that they've already had enough hormonal Nil-drama in their lives and can't figure out a way to tell you other than 'we don't have the money'.

Why bother asking if you know the answer already?
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I can take hormonal jokes anytime because I am not affraid to make them myself and certainly not hiding this fact.

But this is pretty insensitive and totally rude, walk away if you can't bring something nice into this thread.
Well well...some people are hormonal, others are straight shooters, don't kill each other on my watch, if you can. I like little of both, toning down is never a bad idea, though. Don't ask me how I know this
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