You live in an other country and spend lots of money on travelling back home to visit family and friends, on VOIP bills or other phone connections so you stay in contact...

And you have those Me, Myself and I kind of person who seems to believe it is your job to do all of it to stay in contact, it is to you to spend the money to go to visit....

When you talk on the phone, they talk just about them, about what they are doing, their life, their problems. You hang up and then realised the person didn't even ask how you are...

They complain they never have money, because you know, they don't....

But they just bought the last mega gigantic tv screen or renovated the whole house, etc. And when you ask when they will come to visit? Oh! We would love to, but we can't afford it...

And if you don't want to go this year and go somewhere else, they make you feel like a selfish prick.

Do you have those people around you?

Oh, I almost forgot.... You have been living in different country and never have them to come over to visit you until you moved here? They come to see you? Nope, they come to visit the country!

Got those kind of people? I am thinking to cut my VOIP phone...

*rant over*

With the money you save on Voip and travel expenses, you could buy the lastest mega gigantic tv screen or renovated the whole house, etc. !!!

Yeah, I 'used' to have one or two people like that. But they're right...... Big TV's and less mates with baggage is AWESOME !!!

Oh that is rough...I don't have this problem with my relatives and some of my friends always ask me if I'm ok but some of them say: ''Oh in our country is so bad, I have no money, can't you find a job for me there?''...
This February when I went home for my holiday I thought I will meet 3 former Uni class mates as we agreed. I talked to them before my holiday and they were always telling me: ''Oh just call us when you get here, we can't wait to see you!''. Right, when I got in my country, I called them and I didn't see any of them, as they were busy ... I was for 3 days in the city they live but not one of them called me to fix a meeting. In the end, close to my departure date, I visited one girl at her work place and she invited me to stay over for a one night before my flight was due. I said: ''No thanks.''

what really pisses me off is we are EXPECTED to visit them when we go back to the UK, no matter what we have to do or how busy we are, but they won't re-arrange seeing there mates down the road, so we can't see them on x-day it will have to be y-day instead. thats ok, its not like we live 1000km away and have been driving for 10 hours, we'll just fit in round you.

Oh and when you go on holiday only an hours drive away from us, its ok, don't bother to come over and see us, its ok, no really.

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Yep! And you visiting them means to spend your whole vacation at their rythm, their program and you are just running from one family member to an other family member, from friends to ex-coworkers, classmates, etc. When you come back home you are more exausted than when you left because you have been running and seeing everybody the whole time.

And if you have the badluck to not have enough time to see e-v-e-r-y-b-o-d-y, those left out give you shit...

Oh I'm so glad its not just my family that are like this!! I feel better now. Thank you!

I have actually had this problem with almost every new place I move to, to some extent. So I do know exactly how you feel.

In some cases it maybe genuine poverty, but mostly I find that some people just don't like "Change" to their world and they think it's just too hard to stay in contact. Apathy and Laziness.

However, there are quite a few cases where although I don't stay in contact with some of my mates..... when we do catch up, it's like 'not a day' has passed (except the stories are better).

I feel very fortunate that I will have a lot of friends and family visiting me this year over the Summer.

Your story struck a nerve with me. I know what you are going through and, believe me, I sympathize. I wish I had some kind of wise words but I don’t.

It is amazing the bubble some people live in. It can make life frustrating and depressing because all they see is what they want to see and that’s it. My problem is not about me visiting and not about different countries but it involves the same selfish egocentrism. My brother has two kids that my dad hasn’t seen in several years because my brother is a dick. I was trying very, very hard to arrange something in the summer (after school, before camp) so that everyone could get together where we grew up: my dad would have time with the grandkids and the kids could see where their dad grew up. There were great prices on flights to the US in January so I could have gotten a great price. It was one excuse after another and then came: well, we can’t really afford to because after going up to Seattle for the swim meet, we’ll really need a break so we’re going for a week and a half to a beach resort in Mexico. My jaw hit the ground hard, smoke started rising from my ears like the contaminated steam from Fukushima’s reactor 3. This is after having digitalized old movies from our childhood because “family is so important” and contacting a cousin 4 times removed about a family tree because “family is so important”. It still raises my radiation level when I think about it, especially because it isn’t going to change and it is entirely up to me to find some way of bringing the family together. Sigh. OK. Now my rant is over. Feels good sometimes – the anonymous forum rant.

I have some family and friends that honestly can't afford any trips at all. Those are not the one who complains. Those who complains are the one that spend lots of money on lots of things but can't afford a trip to come to visit. They have enough money to go to the beach in the south thought!

.... Genau !!!

we have family that have never come out to see us, its too far, but they drove up to the north of scotland for a holiday, the same distance we are from them. lots that 'can't afford it' but can afford a family holiday at eurodisney, a new mac, to move house etc etc etc

I passed caring about it now, screw em.

Yein. Don't forget people's geography can be rusty. It isn't just the Americans who can't figure out the arse from the elbow of Europe...

As for the rest, yes.

Same old story that DB's posted on. Friends who stay back home usually have a totally different take on like. From that perspective, being an expat can be quite liberating...

...and you can spend time bitching and moaning on places like EF...

In my case it is my parents...

I left the country 8 years ago. If my dad did put 10 $ per week on the side since I left, he would have 3840$ for plane tickets by now. He could have come to visit 2 times and still have extra money both time to visit around and eat out when he wants. What was 10$ a week for him? A bottle a wine less on the grocery list...

I am not going to start on my mother's case...

Hi Nil,

that is a pity, I am sorry for you that your *friends* are so inconsiderate!
We have had quite some visitor s already and in May, there will be people every weekend! Good thing that most of my friends and family are independant enough not to claim 100% service from me.
I feel a bit gulty almost because they fly here and have costs etc.

Back in my own country, it tends to get REALLY too much to visit everyone and I am learning to dose this. If people feel left out they should say so. But I am learning to set my own boundaries.

So, people who are giving you these bad vibes, leave them for a bit and see if they come back to you, toherwise, too bad.. [except when it's family ]

Especially you being pregnant [right?] you should get overloaded with thoughtfulness and help from the ol' country.

Good luck!

Sadly, sometimes it's only a funeral that brings people back together again then it's too late.

People always find money and time to get together after death but rarely in life. Sad.

there is also a lot of "you live in switzerland, you're rich" as well

Ha. I can relate to that. My 'rents live in the UK. In 11+ years we've struggled to get them over more than once per year. Occasionally, they've come over more than 2 times (e.g. when each of the grandkids were born).

Whenever we invited them (note tense) "oh we're busy", "got this or that commitment", "oh that's during such & such a festival".

Even with grandchildren available to play with.

Yet for my sister, who lived in Russia and now the US, they literally "pop over" 2-3 times a year. Nothing's too much trouble. Once they even went over so that my sister and her hubby could take a holiday without their children. I actually don't resent my sister at all. Good for her.

But my parents... I just don't care anymore. If they don't want to see their grandchildren more often, it is their problem now. Not mine. Oddly enough, my parents were expats just like we are now (I grew up outside of the UK), yet with today's modern travel available to them (they can compare to what it was like 30 years ago) they just don't seem motivated.

My wife's parents - complete opposite - will come over at every opportunity to spend time with their daughter and grandchildren.

Ho-hum.

Well, there is an element of truth in that, I am better off than I would be in the UK...

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In my dream....

This is like a friend of my husband who went to the same University, who came to visit us right after our wedding (like way too early after) I just found out that I was pregnant and was dealing with very bad pregnancy sickness... Anyway, she came to spend a week with us and expected me to show her the place, bring her to shop and entertained her. We took her out for dinner (she never had to pay anything ever) and we made sure she had a good time.

She left and we never heard from her again. She never called to ask how was the newborn, nor did she announced she got married. I found that out on FB.

She is not a friend of my husband anymore... (no shit)

Nil, as I told Mrs Git when I met her, there are givers and takers. If you can recognize the individual (and it can be friend.family or whatever ) then its easier . The giver rings you, remembers your dates and cares, the taker expects you to remember all those and more.
The takers get the unreturned phone calls. The takers never manage and never probably actually want to fix dates to visit, its just another manipulation technique. I lived with this as a single person for 10 years and know how it is.
If youre happy at home with Mr Nil and Kiddies Nil then who cares what those takers think/scheme/plan and eventually get frustrated about. The giver is king(queen)
I know that me and mrs Git don`t give a toss about the takers

When me and Mr S had his parents we used to go over to England to visit and used to get things like "Don't come Thursday as we go to Tesco"
Don't come Monday as we go to the Library.
I did bring the subject up about them visiting or maybe phoning a bit more and was told-

" You are the ones who moved away,not us, so it is YOUR duty to do the visiting not us."
"You can't expect us to pay to visit you when it was your decision to leave"