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Old 06.09.2011, 10:14
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Snub response

I wasn't too sure where to put this thread but this seems to be where the disgruntled post so I thought I'd plug it here.

Ok so I like a few of us on this forum am quite homesick so it was to my delight when I heard that a old work mate and really good friend of mine whom I lost contact with for 6 years (he hates facebook) was coming to Europe and was even swinging by CH to visit this weekend.

I must say I was very much looking forward to showing one of my mates around Schaffhausen, gummi boat on the Rhine, munot etc. Australia is a long way and Its not often that my mates get the chance to come to Europe let alone Switzerland. So after organizing accommodation and activities I chatted to him on the phone yesterday and it turns out that his woman decided that she wants to spend the time in the mountains with one of her old friends that she lost contact with so they wont have time to drop by let alone stay.

To my surprise this has really pissed me off. I'm not really sure what my response should be. It could be anything from nothing and complete indifference to deleting his partner from my facebook and give him a piece of my mind and ending the friendship (yes she has it only recently added).

Why did I post here, I'm not sure, however it would be interesting to get an outside point of view, especially from female posters.

Last edited by squidmonkey; 06.09.2011 at 10:26.
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  #2  
Old 06.09.2011, 10:19
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Re: Snub response

Everyone has a life, problems, concerns, commitments etc... We cannot really know why other people do some things and not others. How they manage their time etc...

You cannot really please everyone and meet everyone whenever you have a chance. Maybe your mate wanted to, but could not. For some reason. You can never know.

Maybe just ask him and tell him you are a bit sad that you dont get to meet him. Give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him to maybe find some time the next time you guys meet.
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Old 06.09.2011, 10:23
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Re: Snub response

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Everyone has a life, problems, concerns, commitments etc... We cannot really know why other people do some things and not others. How they manage their time etc...

You cannot really please everyone and meet everyone whenever you have a chance. Maybe your mate wanted to, but could not. For some reason. You can never know.

Maybe just ask him and tell him you are a bit sad that you dont get to meet him. Give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him to maybe find some time the next time you guys meet.
Maybe if you want to see him so much, you could stop crying about it, get off your ass and go and meet them where they are staying?
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Old 06.09.2011, 10:26
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Re: Snub response

Does your mate know that you organised accommodation and activities? Maybe he didn't see the visit to you as more than "pop in for a beer" kind of arrangement.

If you did tell him about the arrangements you made, I find it a bit rude that he's blown you out at such short notice.
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Old 06.09.2011, 10:32
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Re: Snub response

I had the same thing happen to me. A really good friend and his girlfriend were coming to stay (granted, only from England but I was still excited) and I had booked the ferry for him, organised train tickets and had put together a whole load of plans for us to do.

Two days before he was due to arrive he cried off. His excuse was also his girlfriend and how she had decided that she wanted to stay in France instead and couldn't be bothered coming to Switzerland.

I was gutted and although we are still friends on FB, I haven't spoken properly to him since and doubt we'll meet up again. What's really sad is he is one of my oldest friends from primary school.
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Old 06.09.2011, 10:34
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Re: Snub response

So, exactly the same situation in that your friend and his girlfriend both want to see old friends in CH with whom they have lost contact with for a period of time, and they are here only for one weekend?

How do you know that it is not as simple as your friend's girlfriend has gone longer without seeing her friend than the 6 years you have gone without seeing your friend, thus hers took priority?

It would seem that the lack of a Facebook usage by one party would not dictate a span of six years between the contact of good friends, anyway.

Just go see him where he is, as grumpygit suggested. If not, then resolve to be a better long-distance friend in the future, via the phone. Doesn't seem worth it to write off a friend when you don't know the whole story.
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Old 06.09.2011, 10:37
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Re: Snub response

It's awkward, isn't it ? Both of them (your friend and his girlfriend) have people they wanted to see in different parts of the country, so I suppose they had to make a choice.

You could maybe suggest going over to wherever they are staying in the mountains and meeting them there for a meal - could be a satisfactory compromise.

Edit: Oops, simultaneous post with Textoch saying the same thing :-)
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Old 06.09.2011, 10:38
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Re: Snub response

Can't your friend split up with his woman for a few days so you see your friend and she sees hers?

If she doesn't agree to that then perhaps she's one of those controlling types and he hasn't really got a say in what they do.
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Old 06.09.2011, 10:45
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Re: Snub response

Don't write of the friendship because of his girlfriend taking priority. In his situation he's probably completely twitterpated and living in a love bubble

Go see him (Switzerland is not that big!) let his girlfriend spend time with her friend and take him out for a few beers and away from the chatter for a while. Don't feel slighted. It's a natural part of life for his girlfriend to take priority, especially if it's getting serious.

My husband had a friend who we made tons of time for attack me because he thought he should always take priority. In fact he told me in a text that as he had known my husband longer than I had he felt that in the grand scheme of things I should come second . This only resulted in my husband cutting him all-together. So rein in the jealousy and hurt; and if you value the friendship, make it work.
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Old 06.09.2011, 11:01
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Re: Snub response

People come and go. Let this one go.
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Old 06.09.2011, 11:05
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Re: Snub response

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Can't your friend split up with his woman for a few days so you see your friend and she sees hers?

If she doesn't agree to that then perhaps she's one of those controlling types and he hasn't really got a say in what they do.

That's what I thought.. the minister of personal affairs..
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Old 06.09.2011, 11:13
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Re: Snub response

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Don't write of the friendship because of his girlfriend taking priority. In his situation he's probably completely twitterpated and living in a love bubble

Go see him (Switzerland is not that big!) let his girlfriend spend time with her friend and take him out for a few beers and away from the chatter for a while. Don't feel slighted. It's a natural part of life for his girlfriend to take priority, especially if it's getting serious.

My husband had a friend who we made tons of time for attack me because he thought he should always take priority. In fact he told me in a text that as he had known my husband longer than I had he felt that in the grand scheme of things I should come second . This only resulted in my husband cutting him all-together. So rein in the jealousy and hurt; and if you value the friendship, make it work.
Yeah I don't plan on being that type who really wants to get involved in the messy stuff especially now that they are engaged. Its why I'm so surprised that it stung me this much.. must be the homesickness. I had a yarn to him yesterday and he said he would give me a bell. I think if I dont hear anything from them then as DB said people come and go so I might let t his one go.. which is really sad cause we traveled Australia together for work and had an absolute ball, but yes people do grow in different directions... having said that most of my friends are friends for over 10 years.. aaaagh
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Old 06.09.2011, 11:17
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Re: Snub response

I think it would be worthwhile letting your friend know how you feel. Let him know how homesick you are, how happy you were that he was coming, and how much effort you put into making plans for your time together. Let him know that you sad and feeling hurt, or unimportant, and as a result, also somewhat angry. Ask him if there is any way you two can arrange for a visit, and offer ways that you can be flexible (as other posters noted already)

It doesn't mean he will (or should) change his plans, but it is honest, clear, open communication, which is needed in any positive relationship.
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Old 06.09.2011, 11:18
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Re: Snub response

Ah the classic Yoko-scenario.

In my opinion you shouldnt take this too personally. Since you guys havent had contact for 6 years clearly his woman "wins". I think you might have gone a bit head of yourself planning all this stuff, since it obiously wasnt a proper visit but more of a "might swing by".

Since is its their vacation, i think you might have to adjust if you wanna see him - pherpahs you can visit them in the moantins?
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Old 06.09.2011, 11:20
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Re: Snub response

Tell your mate the following.

brotip #189.
if she isn't that fit bird from the bar, it's always bros before c*nts.

brotip #254
Bros who puts p*ssy on a pedestal he ain't just a bro, he's a p*ssywhipped bro.

good luck
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Old 06.09.2011, 11:27
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Re: Snub response

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Ah the classic Yoko-scenario.

In my opinion you shouldnt take this too personally. Since you guys havent had contact for 6 years clearly his woman "wins". I think you might have gone a bit head of yourself planning all this stuff, since it obiously wasnt a proper visit but more of a "might swing by".

Since is its their vacation, i think you might have to adjust if you wanna see him - pherpahs you can visit them in the moantins?
actually it was meant to be a train trip to geneva from france then we'd all cruise up to Zurich and mid way through the weekend him and his missus would go visit their friends.. plans changed yesterday and its a direct trip to Zurich and straight up to the mountains.
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Old 06.09.2011, 11:30
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Re: Snub response

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I think it would be worthwhile letting your friend know how you feel. Let him know how homesick you are, how happy you were that he was coming, and how much effort you put into making plans for your time together. Let him know that you sad and feeling hurt, or unimportant, and as a result, also somewhat angry.
He is a bloke, you know.
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Old 06.09.2011, 11:36
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Re: Snub response

Mate,

If it was a bit of a "Swing by" arrangement, then yep - there is no point in making arrangements unless it's in concrete.

If the plan was solid....... and THEN his missus changes the plans.
- then she should be burnt as a witch at the stake in front of an angry mob holding pitchforks.


Usually travelling to a country where there are multiple people to visit, I find it easier to find a "NEUTRAL" location for everyone, and try to find the most convenient time for everyone.
Those who care will show up for you....... those who don't - pffft (there's your answer )

In this case,
I think it's best to not focus on the pettiness of the situation and accept that you haven't seen him for 6 years. He will still want to see you and let's be honest. For a short time in Switzerland, the mountains are WAY cooler to visit.
Also, consideration point number 2-
"Who has to travel further?"
Would it not seem petty to your mate that you couldn't take a train for an hour, when he has flown to the opposite side of the planet?
- becareful that the perception of "Pettiness" doesn't swing in your favour !


My suggested strategy-
  • Let it go (the accomodation booking etc., not your mate)
  • Ask him if it's cool to catch up with him in the mountains instead
  • Let him know that you did book stuff, but if it's a misunderstanding, then it's all cool.
  • meet his new chick, and just be cool with it.
Let the good times roll
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Old 06.09.2011, 18:57
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Re: Snub response

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Don't write of the friendship because of his girlfriend taking priority.
If she didn't write of the friendship, then we couldn't be having this conversation ...



I do think the OP should write it off, though; it's been six years now anyway, are they still really even friends anymore?
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Old 07.09.2011, 17:04
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Re: Snub response

I hope the females will forgive me for saying this but...you definitely should let your friend know that you were so excited and made plans ect. and you were disappointed that he cancelled on you (guilt trip). Then if he insists that he really wanted to but becasue of his girlfriend, the plan was changed. Now this is when you should tell him (maybe jokingly but half serious) to grow some balls.
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