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Old 04.12.2017, 13:45
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Mothers

I just can't believe it when I read stories or hear from members of my Swiss & British family and where one was (for example Elton) far from her when she died, when in my opinion we all should be by our mums death bed, after all it was she who gave us life.

I am in weekly contact by 'phone and a 3-4 day maximum whatsapp contact with my father to check on my mother as she is more prone to illness (& sometimes my son messages him on my phone).. my parents are now in their eighties so I am in no doubt at that age they appreciate me (and family) wanting to know if they are well, etc. And it is important they know I'll be there in a jiffy should they need me, that makes their life better.

I had an argument the other day about a Swiss family member just going off for long periods and not caring about his mum who is in her nineties and ironically had a bad fall (she lives alone) when he was away. How do you do that?

I know many people are taking care of their elderly relatives but... there are many who are not. I know I mention mothers here and I do think fathers are also important but in my opinion I just have more sympathy for the mothers, especially mine...maybe thats because my father is quite a tough nut and doesn't need any care I would be there for him too when the time comes.

And just a footnote; Christmas is coming, older people are more lonely then, if you can, try to take care of your parents, mine will be here with me again this year even though it's pretty tough for them to travel God bless 'em..

My Swiss Grandmother-in-law (92) cried last year when we all went round and sung a few carols (Swiss one's too) Karoake-style (off the phone), we fixed an issue with her Christmas lights and the children gave her loads of hugs and kisses. It made a big difference, so this is a complaint as I feel we can't do enough for them and I know many people just think their mother is OK and they don't need to care.

Last edited by Hausamsee; 04.12.2017 at 14:00.
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Old 04.12.2017, 13:48
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Re: Mothers

I used to enjoy a few pints at lunchtime too.
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Old 04.12.2017, 13:54
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Re: Mothers

It surely depends on the mother in question, doesn't it.
I know a few who, let's just say, aren't very deserving of Christmas carols... or they are, depending on how you look at it.
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Old 04.12.2017, 13:57
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Re: Mothers

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It surely depends on the mother in question, doesn't it.
I know a few who, let's just say, aren't very deserving of Christmas carols... or they are, depending on how you look at it.
I think when they get to over 80yo that doesn't matter, people have to learn to swallow their pride..
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Old 04.12.2017, 14:06
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Re: Mothers

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I think when they get to over 80yo that doesn't matter, people have to learn to swallow their pride..
How about live and let live? We don't know anything about other people's relationships with their families, so perhaps we ought to mind our own shop first.
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Old 04.12.2017, 14:09
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Re: Mothers

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I think when they get to over 80yo that doesn't matter, people have to learn to swallow their pride..
Not really. Depending on the upbringing, disappointment and sadness about it don't just disappear. It probably took decades to get to the point of "not caring".

I have a few friends whose parents - though fathers in those cases - couldn't have cared less about their existence. Funnily, as they moved towards the end of their life, suddenly they were very keen on having close relationships, and were utterly confused as to why they weren't welcomed with open arms. Well after years of lovelessness, disinterest or psychological abuse, one can hardly expect the children to "swallow their pride". At the end of the day, you get what you give, don't you...

That being said, personally, I've always had a good relationship with my parents and chances I'll ever get to the point of not giving a toss about them are very, very slim. Some people may occasionally not grant their parents the respect they deserve, but from my experience, these are very, very few cases. There are many grey zones in children's relationships with their parents and vice-versa and I certainly won't make a universal judgement if some children have no interest in looking after their parents. You never know what the reasons are.
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Old 04.12.2017, 14:21
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Re: Mothers

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How about live and let live? We don't know anything about other people's relationships with their families, so perhaps we ought to mind our own shop first.
First we're implying I'm drunk, then we're moving onto not drunk but nosy... what's the matter? Didn't we eat breakfast?
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Old 04.12.2017, 14:22
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Re: Mothers

My mum is 87 today.

Sometimes I want to hug her, other times she is so infuriating I could....well you know. But I grit my teeth and say nice things and it blows over until the next time.
My dad has dementia so of course mum finds it hard, but she has me on the phone, and my two sisters there with her, they take my parents out, have them round for meals, they have found a carer for Dad three times a week so mum can go out on her own or with my sister.
She loves us all and can be very loving, she can also be selfish and thinks the world revolves around her, she seems to enjoy being the martyr.
But I love her, my sisters love her and despite everything we want to keep her around as long as possible.

So Happy Birthday mum, may you have many more. X
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Old 04.12.2017, 14:26
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Re: Mothers

Every family is different, different needs, different expectations. But I'll say this:

For those of you living far away from your parents, please stop and think now what that distance may mean down the road. Take time now to talk to your parents about their plans, wishes, and needs, as best as they can be anticiated, and then think about how, given the distance, you would be able to do your part when the time comes.

These are heavy, fraught conversations to have. Many of us, parents and adult children alike, would rather push those issues aside and enjoy the present. But one day you will be glad that you had those conversations.

Eldercare is orders of magnitude more difficult, for the parent and the adult child, when reactive rather than proactive.
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Old 04.12.2017, 14:38
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Re: Mothers

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First we're implying I'm drunk
Looks like you need to swot up on your bevvies.
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Old 04.12.2017, 14:50
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Re: Mothers

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Didn't we eat breakfast?
I never eat breakfast, unless I make it for dinner.

Tom
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Old 04.12.2017, 14:59
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Re: Mothers



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Old 04.12.2017, 15:05
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Re: Mothers

This idea that Mothers/women who have given birth are to be loved no matter is complete nonsense - the world and people's experiences of it is wider than that. Plenty of mothers are nasty pieces of work and have no interest in their kids or parenting them.

One such mother last week left her 7 year old outside on one of the coldest nights of the year in the UK. Poor kid froze to death.

Spare us the guilt trip.
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Old 04.12.2017, 15:21
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Re: Mothers

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This idea that Mothers/women who have given birth are to be loved no matter is complete nonsense - the world and people's experiences of it is wider than that. Plenty of mothers are nasty pieces of work and have no interest in their kids or parenting them.
Despite asking many times - my parents refuse to come and stay for Christmas.

It's too far to go or we don't like flying (from the U.K.) was the usual excuse but they stopped using this when I pointed out that they had visited the Arctic, Hawaii, New Zealand, the U.S, central America and Fiji (and more) places in the last couple of years.

But it does work both ways.

We've had our elderly Swiss neighbours over for the Christmas the last couple of years as their own adult children wanted nothing to do with them over Christmas unless it involved handing over wads of cash.
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Old 04.12.2017, 15:51
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Re: Mothers

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in my opinion we all should be by our mums death bed, after all it was she who gave us life.
If you've spent a lifetime with parents who cared for you and looked after you through thick and thin, then I can understand that you'd want to give some of that back when they need your care.

But the important thing there is the word 'want'. What you describe is a sense of obligation, not desire, and frankly if the parents have done such a poor job of looking out for their kids that the kids don't feel this desire to care for them, then I really don't see why you think that they should feel obliged to do so.
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Old 04.12.2017, 16:06
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Re: Mothers

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... this is a complaint ...
Event horizons can be terrifying. Once upon a time such fears for our Elders were very far away, but it comes to us all. The distance is obviously an additional factor causing you anxiety.

We can only lead by example and communicate within the family what steps we are preparing for our futures.

Don't be put off by the negative remarks, your frustrations are valid.

Here's a good tip: get your paperwork in order. You never know the minute when the tables may be turned and others will have to pick up your affairs.
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Old 04.12.2017, 16:11
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Re: Mothers

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This idea that Mothers/women who have given birth are to be loved no matter is complete nonsense - the world and people's experiences of it is wider than that. Plenty of mothers are nasty pieces of work and have no interest in their kids or parenting them.

One such mother last week left her 7 year old outside on one of the coldest nights of the year in the UK. Poor kid froze to death.

Spare us the guilt trip.
The relationship with my manic schizophrenic mom was not the best. I did all I could for her for as long as I could bear. It's amazing how a child feels love for their mom, despite massive abuse or neglect. Strangely enough, it still hurt when none of my sisters had thought to tell me that she'd passed...

One of the most important things in my life is to ensure that my child cherishes the love and support I give as the now mother, and that I should never be a burden at anytime, including Christmas.
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Old 04.12.2017, 16:26
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Re: Mothers

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Event horizons can be terrifying. Once upon a time such fears for our Elders were very far away, but it comes to us all. The distance is obviously an additional factor causing you anxiety.

We can only lead by example and communicate within the family what steps we are preparing for our futures.

Don't be put off by the negative remarks, your frustrations are valid.

Here's a good tip: get your paperwork in order. You never know the minute when the tables may be turned and others will have to pick up your affairs.
Yes. I shouldn't because I feel that they should have done more for me and I was writing from that perspective, I wasn't trying to preach as some here have daftly misinterpreted. According to them I should just put myself before everything and everybody and had a jolly old self-indulgent beer and wine swilling time this Christmas.

Some of us change though and see that personal development is being closer to selflessness and giving less importance to our own needs.
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Old 04.12.2017, 16:42
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Re: Mothers

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Yes. I shouldn't because I feel that they should have done more for me and I was writing from that perspective, I wasn't trying to preach as some here have daftly misinterpreted. According to them I should just put myself before everything and everybody and had a jolly old self-indulgent beer and wine swilling time this Christmas.

Some of us change though and see that personal development is being closer to selflessness and giving less importance to our own needs.
You weren't trying to preach? Your opening post was one long rant at the perceived selfishness of others.

If you dish it out...
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Old 04.12.2017, 16:47
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Re: Mothers

Dementia gave me back a pretty good relationship with my mother.

Last edited by Miostar; 04.12.2017 at 18:36.
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