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Old 14.05.2010, 13:53
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Dear Swiss "Punk"...

Dear Swiss "punk",

As you spend your morning sitting on the kerb near Stadelhofen station, pulling faces and flicking cigarettes at people who are innocently going about their business, you might want to consider this:

You are a disgrace to humanity, a baser creature than a salted slug, an abomination before the eyes of those of us who have to work for a living. You are a dinosaur, a fop, with nothing more interesting to say in the year 2010 than the velvet-jacketed nancy who swans around swigging red wine and absinthe, trying to convince the world that he's a romantic poet. The fashion to which you, with your elegantly coiffed 'mohican' and your imported bovva boots which, no doubt, cost you more than my jacket and trousers combined, subscribe is nothing more than an unconvincing pastiche of a movement which came and went long before you were born, and was the embarrassing product of art-school pretension even then. I'd be interested in knowing who sewed those patches on your artfully torn denim jacket - did your mummy do them for you?

Who are you trying to convince, with your sneers, your obscene gestures, your attempts to intimidate those who have the audacity to walk along the pavements for which they paid, yet which you consider your exclusive property? Coming from a place where people who look aggressive often actually are aggressive, I chose to ignore your provocation and walk on by, but sooner or later (and I sincerely hope it is sooner) somebody less patient, less tolerant and more athletic than me is going to turn around and respond to your empty threats with words, fists and feet. Then, dear 'punk', we shall see who the 'hard man' is, shan't we?

I wonder, did they teach you unarmed combat at that private school to which you were sent after you sneered once too often at the kindergarten teacher? Or will you reach for your knife like the lily-livered overprivileged milksop you almost certainly are? Or will you simper and whine and beg for a couple of francs to get the train home, which you'll spend on crap canned lager, most of which will find its way all over the pavement, sticking to the shoes of those who buy their own clothes with money they've earned themselves?

I know, Swiss 'punk', you will probably never read this (although I'm sure you can, with your obsession with the Sex Pistols (yes, they were crap in 1977, and they haven't got any better since the invention of the CD), your love of the flag of my country (can't you desecrate your own flag? At least British punks had something to say when they appropriated our national symbols - not much, mind - but something), and your expensive educational background), but it cheers me up no end to write it, and, who knows, perhaps one of my fellow EFers might take it upon himself to come and find you and put you right on the subject of 'making a stand against the man'.

You, Swiss 'punk', are a tosser, a toad, a toerag. You are a measly muppet of mediocre mayhem. You are a puppet, a prat, a pampered prince; a paper tiger, a preening ponce, a pretty, puffed up poseur.

I despise you with every fibre of my being, and wish the pox upon you.

Even if Daddy does pay all your doctor's bills...

Thank you for listening.

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