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Old 03.02.2011, 13:16
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Slammer´s first month in Basel

They say that Vorarlberg is the arse end of the world and not only because it is accessed by driving through the Pfänder tunnel, a.. well the.. hole, if so then
for the last five years Slammer has been living just across the border on the edge of the arse end of the world, that would be a hemerhoid then.
Its gotten time to move on, at least a tad.
It´s not like the Rheintal is a horrible place to be, quite the contary. If you like it quiet, very, very quiet, as in the grave it is a very nice place.
However jokes about being the dead center of Europe are not appreciated, we have heard them before.
And as for me? Well I was starting to think that goats are totally misunderstood creatures and..
..actually have quite cute legs..
..Time to boogie!
Soo its been a full month now since crashlanding in Basel, thanks to the EnglishForum I found digs "zur Untermiete" in the Groß-Baseler Altstadt.
I rang up after reading the advert and spoke with an elderly gentleman, a retired optician, who eagerly invited me over,
The very same evening I drove into Basel, a feat with quite a steep learning curve, especially when you are bucketing around in a Jeep Grand Cherokee
doing your best trying not to suck cyclists into it´s air-intake.
They can be a bugger to poke out.
I was shown a nice "Altbau" room under the roof, it was a bit dusty and spiderwebby, it would be like sleeping in King Tuts crotch,
but there are no cockroaches and no rats and after curtaining fistfulls of silky arachniod gossamer away I could even look out of the window.
Ok! So I had no place to kip for that night and for 300 Chuff´s a month with a months notice I decided on the spot "OK! Sign where?"
Even though the little klaxon in my mind was going "dive, dive, dive!"
Hey too late..
Then the other shoe dropped, the door opened and the guys trouble and strife came in. Do allow me to tell you that she is a few Rappen short of a Frank.
Nice enough and at sometime in the sixties she must have been quite a looker, now either dementia or or a surfit of LSD had taken its toll.
"But Mr. Slammer you you can´t have the room you are too big for the bed and it will collapse"
Her husband came to my rescue.
"It won´t"
"yes it will"
So to resolve the issue I had to lay on the bed and prove that it would hold.
It did and I got the keys.
Being in Basel has a few advantages over Berneck, for one, masses of pubs and bars, including some Irish/English themed pubs, after
her people another of Irelands greatest exports, I hear that you can order prefabricated pubs from Blarney Ltd., Ireland.
It was great to be able to bounce from bar to pub to bar again, a busy bee flitting from flower to flower.
A few years back I lived in Aarhus in Denmark, a nice litte town, just the right size, not too big and not too small and I quite liked to be there, Basel has the exact
same feel, sort of like wearing a favorate pair of slippers.
On the downside: The prices for beer are similar too.
I tried a few places but Slammer sort of gravitates to the Pickwick or the Penguin, a bar with hundreds and hundreds of different beer sorts and a Art-Decor kind of theme thing
for the after toil quick pint. Of course paying Baseler prices curbs my intake and that subsequently means having to creep past the landlady without the protective
fug of a carefree brain marinating in alcohol.
A lot of you know that I like my motorbikes and have of course all the right gear, I also make an effort to appear as
a bad-ass-biker dude, bad-ass-biker dudes however may be inclined to dissagree.
I clumped up the narrow staircase just as Mrs. Landlady came out of her room, the top of her head is level with my second rib counting upward.
Ohh! Mr slammer you look good in all that gear!..
..I backed away slowly, did not avert my gaze, scampered back to my room and locked the door thinking happy thoughts: "300 Franks, 300 Franks, 300 Franks"
"Mr. Slammer!"
Oh no! This could be a long talk.
Seems that at some yet undefined time (sounds like 1960-ish) she found a cure for MS and before she could release it to a greatfull world and grab a Nobel prize or two
the fruits of her research got nicked by some professer and now lay in the hands and bottom drawers of big Pharma multi-national fortune 500 companies.
She is writing to the CHian minister Blocher to assist her in getting her rightfull accreditation, the letter, written on a ancient remington type-writer gets worked on
everytime I see her in the office, needless to say Herr Blocher has not answered just yet.
Last night she was on about racism, she wrote to her political party (not SVP as I sugguested) about the influx of radical Islamists in CH and how
diplorable it is, then her train of thoughs hit a set of faulty points and a look of concernation crossed her face...
"..Mr. Slammer, you are not an Islamist are you?"
I assured her that Slammer has no connection to Al Quida.
This was after she asked me if I felt the vibrations in the room..?
"Well I do snore a bit and fart in bed but nothing hitting the Richter-scale, maybe the No 3 tram when it rumbles past"
She looked at me as if I was terminally stupid.
"No! The vibrations from the spirits, you know that this house is haunted"
"..."?
One of the drawbacks of the place is the shared loo and one night the enevitable happened, I went for my 4 in the morning urination just as she came out of the loo, in pulled up night rags.
I spent the next half hour huddled in a corner, sucking my thumb, gently rocking back and forth thinking my happy thoughts..
300 Franks, 300 Franks, 300 Franks.
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Old 03.02.2011, 13:56
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Re: Slammer´s first month in Basel

Dare I say it? For entertainment value absolutely on a par with Uncle Bertrand

Looking forward to reading how Mr. Slammer gets on - keep thinking positive thoughts (300 Franks' worth)
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Old 03.02.2011, 17:05
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Re: Slammer´s first month in Basel

Welcome to Basel m'dear.
There will be something going on tomorrow, PM me if you want to meet up with some peps.
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Old 03.02.2011, 17:44
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Re: Slammer´s first month in Basel

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Dare I say it? For entertainment value absolutely on a par with Uncle Bertrand
Better, I'd say.

Bostin stuff!
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Old 09.02.2011, 09:52
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Re: Slammer´s first month in Basel

300 Franks.. 300 Franks.. 300 Franks.. It´s getting to be my Basel mantra, 300 Franks.. ..and it is stuck in my brain.
300 Franks lalala!
Since hitting Basel I have been hemorrhaging money from a radio-active credit card. But, I have tried to save the pennies! Lord have I tried, one way was by postponing a much needed tire-change now over three weeks. Come last Monday and I paid the price. The beemer and I managed to find the last bit of slippy on the road, we were then at odds what to do next, she wanted to lay down, the slut, I tended to disagree and found that it may not be in our best interests.
I fought the wildly bucking machine upright and just managed to hang on by running over my foot.

..Ouch!

The same day we limped into the tire-change-shop just over the border in Germany and got a new set.
"What sort do you have on your bike, mr. Slammer?"
Not used to this question I replied:
Ahh! Black ones and round"
Eyes rolling upward the bloke found the correct tires and in under a hour and after parting with 250 Euros I got the export papers and was back on the road.
Somethings with CH not being in the Euro-zone actually work for the man.
I can get the 19% German tax refunded.
At the border I asked the guard where to get the papers stamped, the CH guard, always happy for a chance to annoy the Krauts, pointed to a building and stopped the motorway traffic so that I could cross.
Inside two terminally bored German guards looked at me like a cat eyeballing at a coughed up fur-ball.
"Wot U wont?"
Ahh! Unfriendliness, two can play this game.
"wont me Märchensteuer bak!"

(Märchensteuer corruption of Mehrwertsteuer, MwSt., translates as fairy-tale-tax, more apt methinks)

Stamp, stamp!
Aand of to the tire-change-shop, 40-odd Euros back in my pocket.
Yess!

So it was a happy Slammer that clumped up the stairs to my room.
"Mr. Slammer!"
"Uh oh!"
"You have such broad shoulders"
Memo to self: lock door tonight, use the chair as well.
The landlady seems to be a closet biker chick.
"Did you wipe the bathroom sink this morning?"
Actually I had given it a once over after my morning shave.
"And you used the roll of kitchen paper!"

A stern look over her glasses..
"Ahh! Yes"
The cogs in my brain franticly meshing, what I could have done wrong?
"Did you see that the roll has prints on? With our national symbol? That you used and thoughtlessly threw in the TOILET!"
Our Schwiizerkreuz in the loo..
"Let´s not do that again, please mr. Slammer and I will get my husband to purchase neutral ones"
Good job she did not know that A few days ago I had used it to wipe my arse with.
I had vaguely wondered where the old guy had gotten to, I had not seen him since signing the contact, maybe she kept him chained up in the dungeon.
At quarter past six this morning I clumped down the narrow stairs in the dark off to work.
Slammer is a pussy and takes fright at the word BOO!
I fumbled for the light-switch.
"Good morning mr. Slammer"
I jumped out of my skin and hung from the light shade like a cartoon elephant in a tutu at the sight of a mouse.
Either the old guy was getting up or just off to bed in his coffin.
Jingly nerves, need some coffee now.. Catch you all later.
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Old 09.02.2011, 09:57
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Re: Slammer´s first month in Basel

This is what Basel does to people. See how Slammer's posts were all crap until he moved here and now they're works of literary genius?
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Old 09.02.2011, 10:04
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Re: Slammer´s first month in Basel

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300 Franks.. 300 Franks.. 300 Franks.. It´s getting to be my Basel mantra, 300 Franks.. ..and it is stuck in my brain.
300 Franks lalala!
Ha! So it's not just us then! My friends and I have taken to calling 300 chfs "one Swiss unit" and guessing prices based on these units:

"Sushi Wednesday? Seefeld? That's gonna be a couple units at least!"
"Ream of photocopier paper? What was that? Half a unit?"
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Old 09.02.2011, 10:44
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Re: Slammer´s first month in Basel

Dear Mr Slammer,

I'm sorry that you find my attention of you creepy. You see, the problem is, my husband and I haven't had any of those "marital acts" for quite some time and a woman has her needs. The fact that I have always rather fancied that man from Great Escape when he jumps his motorbike over the fence seems to have manifested itself into an obsession with any man that rides a bike.

On a side note, when I mentioned your broad shoulders, it was not because I was thinking rude thoughts, merely that I need someone to carry my husbands coffin into the garage. Depsite him sleeping in the basement, I can still hear his snoring and it bothers me no end.

YOU WIPED YOUR ARSCH WITH MY SCHWIIZER KITCHEN PAPER?????

I can see we'll be having words tonight.

Your landlady

(kisses)
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Old 09.02.2011, 10:55
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Re: Slammer´s first month in Basel

Those that say the Vorarlberg is the arse end of the world have surely never been to Liverpool.
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Old 09.02.2011, 10:58
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Re: Slammer´s first month in Basel

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Dear Mr Slammer,

I'm sorry that you find my attention of you creepy. You see, the problem is, my husband and I haven't had any of those "marital acts" for quite some time and a woman has her needs. The fact that I have always rather fancied that man from Great Escape when he jumps his motorbike over the fence seems to have manifested itself into an obsession with any man that rides a bike.

On a side note, when I mentioned your broad shoulders, it was not because I was thinking rude thoughts, merely that I need someone to carry my husbands coffin into the garage. Depsite him sleeping in the basement, I can still hear his snoring and it bothers me no end.

YOU WIPED YOUR ARSCH WITH MY SCHWIIZER KITCHEN PAPER?????

I can see we'll be having words tonight.

Your landlady

(kisses)
For just a second I thought...
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Old 09.02.2011, 11:04
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Re: Slammer´s first month in Basel

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I'm sorry that you find my attention of you creepy. You see, the problem is, my husband and I haven't had any of those "marital acts" for quite some time and a woman has her needs. The fact that I have always rather fancied that man from Great Escape when he jumps his motorbike over the fence seems to have manifested itself into an obsession with any man that rides a bike.

(kisses)
Slammer, have you already moved your gun collection to Basel ?
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Old 09.02.2011, 11:40
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Re: Slammer´s first month in Basel

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Slammer, have you already moved your gun collection to Basel ?
Not yet, not just yet.
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Old 14.02.2011, 13:48
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Re: Slammer´s first month in Basel

I am quite enjoying this Basel-gig. There is defiantly something about living like this that awakes the Steinbeck in me. The way the tram rumbles past making the pictures on the wall rattle when the resonance hits the sweet-spot, the street lamp that gives off a baleful yellowish light. Quivering tumbleweed size dust balls with eyes that glow in the dark growl and hiss at each other.
It is a stark utilitarian room with ancient furniture, plain off-white grubby walls and the boing, boing, springy little bugger of a lamp that you see at the beginning of every PIXAR movie.
There is no kitchen in the room so I bought me a 20 Euro water cooker and got myself a packet of Japanese ramen noodles, just add water and wait five minutes.
I purchased them in Germany, jumped on the bike and headed back to Basel smuggling them through customs trailing a comets tail of drool behind me at the prospect of warm food.
It is not that Slammer is too cheap a bugger to hit a restaurant but T.I.S (this is Switzerland) and in Basel it will, not can, get very expensive, we are talking 25 Chuffs for a pizza.
And I am sick of feeding myself at the Döner-Shack for cheap, of course there is always the eternal Curry-Wurst, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Currywurst; nowadays Germany´s main export.
Strange how priorities change, a cheap water boiler is a prized possession, I sneaked it past the landlady who was in the kitchen cackling happily to herself while making supper in a cauldron.
As I scrambled up the stairs I did a mental forehead slap, to my dismay I remembered that German two prong plugs do not fit in the CH three pronged sockets.
Duh!
However uncooked ramen noodles are quite crunchy, great with cheap beer.
Alas cooking is out of the question but thankfully I am adaptable.
It also has the advantage that I now have a new sport, over to France and visit a mall, there,like a zombie drooling at the sight of
fresh brains I can wander around the shelves for hours with a look of rapture and play the game of:"What would I cook if I had a kitchen?" Generally I gravitate towards the fish stall and then hover around the foi gras for a while before ending up at the stalls with all the yummy local specialities.
It«s a lovely game, how would those mutant prawns the size of a babies leg taste if you split them like angels wings and did them under the grill with a topping of fresh herbs charlottes and beure cafe du paris?
Served with jasmine rice and satay sauce and a light rose wine.
Last week I saw something that must be suet.... Hmm! get kidneys, some steak, soft boiling spuds, peas, do the JuJu and Steak and kidney puddings with chips and mushy peas are mine, all mine.
It is also fun trying to decode the French labels, it gives me that real pukka foreigner feeling, my French is crap you know so every now and then however I can get a real linguistic treat.
Aqua Javel with a picture of a lemon on the label is not the refreshing beverage I took it for but something you clean the loo with.
Memo to me: When in doubt, take a sniff first.
A woman with a big packet of "JEX- tampons" in her "chariot," square buggers they were and done in a nauseating green color.
Female sanitary items with a fashion statement...
..Whatever sucks your blood honey!
later on at the check out desk I saw that they could actually also be a kind of pot scourer, they seem to be made from steel wool..
..I have always wondered about French females, but wire tampons?
Now that is what I call "butch!"
The landlady´s spooks must have been quite frisky of late, I got cornered going to the room the other day and was told that something had appeared under a book in her room!
"THE ONE ROOM WHERE NOBODY EVER GOES IN!" She said with glowing red eyes and a Goa´uld voice. Do I know anything about it and what it could be? How the hell do I know what
manner of dank gibbering abomidan doth she summenuppeth from the depth of foulest Acheron.
Ghosts, ghoulies and things that go bump in the night.
Does she really take me for that daft?
Although I got a start as I returned from St Gallen last night, the chairs had been stacked poltergeist like in the middle of the room..
They're here..!
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Old 14.02.2011, 14:05
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Re: Slammer´s first month in Basel

Head over to the market at St Louis on Sat mornings.
Worth a visit for cheap food. Instead of turning left (off the main square) in the direction of Geant, turn right.
Enjoy and drool some more...
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Old 14.02.2011, 16:18
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Re: Slammer´s first month in Basel

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I am quite enjoying this Basel-gig.
er ahm.. I'm sure this doesn't interest you in the least but that was (finally) post number 1000..

(unless some loony mod starts moving everything to off topic again)
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Old 14.02.2011, 16:21
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Re: Slammer´s first month in Basel

Yeh! Jubel, Konfetti, Händegeklapper, freufreuhappyhappy.
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Old 14.02.2011, 18:12
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Re: Slammer´s first month in Basel

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Yeh! Jubel, Konfetti, Händegeklapper, freufreuhappyhappy.
Basel will be celebrating with you! 14th March has been marked down as "Slamer 1000th post day".
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Old 14.02.2011, 19:42
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Re: Slammer´s first month in Basel

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Basel will be celebrating with you! 14th March has been marked down as "Slamer 1000th post day".
You mean he's still going to lose posts? March 14th isn't for another four weeks!
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Old 14.02.2011, 20:29
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Re: Slammer´s first month in Basel

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You mean he's still going to lose posts? March 14th isn't for another four weeks!
Yes, but it takes time to organise a party.
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Old 14.02.2011, 20:29
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Re: Slammer´s first month in Basel

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Yes, but it takes time to organise a party.
I'll be the one in a mask!
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