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Old 15.02.2011, 12:40
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Re: The death thread.

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Thanks for starting this thread. I know exactly what you mean. When my Dad passed away I refused to accept it - but in the end I had to. When my son was stillborn we did not have a funeral and it still seems to be unreal, especially because there is no place you can go to and grieve, it is almost as if he never existed. When it happened I decided against seeing him or claiming his body for a funeral because I could not bear it but that was probably a mistake.
It is generally accepted that it is better to name the child (esp. if a late term loss) and have a funeral. It is of course understandably hard to do at the time, and, writing from desk, I can't begin to pretend to share your loss.

That said, it is still not too late to have some kind of ceremony - I would even suggest that it is never too late. If you are religious, then talk to your priest/whomever about it. There may not be a "text book" ceremony available, but they could still potentially organise something to give you some closure.
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Old 15.02.2011, 12:42
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Re: The death thread.

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..When my son was stillborn we did not have a funeral and it still seems to be unreal, especially because there is no place you can go to and grieve, it is almost as if he never existed. When it happened I decided against seeing him or claiming his body for a funeral because I could not bear it but that was probably a mistake.
Don't be hard on yourself...You know I saw parents who dressed their still born angels, took photos and all, had a ceremony, took time to go through these officialities and I honestly think while it certainly really helps some, I wouldn't be able to go through this. It can be even more traumatizing, touch your little child where there is no life, I think I would have nightmares of those images. Maybe your gut feelings told you. We miss our kids we couldn't have no matter what we do..
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Old 15.02.2011, 12:51
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Re: The death thread.

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It is generally accepted that it is better to name the child (esp. if a late term loss) and have a funeral. It is of course understandably hard to do at the time, and, writing from desk, I can't begin to pretend to share your loss.

That said, it is still not too late to have some kind of ceremony - I would even suggest that it is never too late. If you are religious, then talk to your priest/whomever about it. There may not be a "text book" ceremony available, but they could still potentially organise something to give you some closure.
Thanks Carlos - he has a name. Lou got me in touch with the people from Scotland who have the memory trees, so at least he will have a leaf there with his name on. We dicided to do it because we thought Scotland was where he belonged.

Thank you for suggesting a ceremony - that may be really something helpful.
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Old 15.02.2011, 13:07
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Re: The death thread.

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I don't know about anyone else but I find it hard to grieve here in Switzerland when no one, I know, knows the person who's died.
First, may I say, Oldhand, you are one funny ol' broad and I mean that in the most complimentary way possible!.

If it will help a little, last year my best friend's son died at age 20, back in the US. Of course, I went back to be with her and help her. But I find now that I am the one she turns to via the telephone or email when it just all becomes too much for her on any given day.

In other words, BECAUSE I am so far removed, when she needs a break from the grieving or just another outlook on things or just a change of topic, she turns to me.

Maybe you can be that person for those left behind who are grieving and sometimes need a lighter/different perspective?
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Old 15.02.2011, 13:21
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Re: The death thread.

When my mother died, just over 10 years ago, it helped me to think that she was just in another room and to this day she is still around, in that other room or just round the corner.

I read somewhere once that no one is really dead until they are forgotten.
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  #26  
Old 15.02.2011, 14:03
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Re: The death thread.

Oldhand, after a few posts it became clearer what you originally had in mind and heart. Thank you for this thread.

I was at the funerals of a grandma, my dad and an aunt. These were people of Chinese descent and the rituals were either Buddhist, Taoist, Confucianist or a mixture of all three.

Then age of technology arrived: After my mum passed on, I could make the announcement to many relatives using SMS by cellphone. I felt a mix of grief and relief as her suffering had been long and drawn out.

At my mum's Buddhist ceremony, the priestess chanted as we the immediate family sat on a mat. A moth alighted on one of my nieces. "Don't be afraid," the priestess said. "Your grandma has come to say good-bye." The moth then danced in front of my other half and me before flying about the other members of our family and finally resting on the altar set up temporarily for the ceremony.

When we accompanied the departed ones respectively on their final journeys, it was a walk behind the hearse. When we crossed a bridge, we would call out, "Auntie, we are crossing a bridge!" for example. The ceremony is as much for the living as it is for the departed, I feel.

(As for my dear departed dog in Kuala Lumpur, she was my housemate and chief of security for 12 years who had come home from the animal clinic to die. One afternoon I felt I had to come home from work to see her, and that was the final time I saw her conscious. She was gone by evening. A close friend came to help me wrap and put her body in a bag. The next morning, I drove her to the animal shelter where I originally adopted her from; in the car, a Bob Dylan song was playing. The shelter folk buried her in a designated area. Then, tears pouring down my face, I sent SMSes to those who knew and loved her. Don't know why but it was far simpler and more straightforward to grieve for a beloved animal.)
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  #27  
Old 15.02.2011, 14:13
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Re: The death thread.

Three of my grandparents have died in my lifetime, as well as two great-grandparents. I went to the funerals of three of them (both grandfathers and my great-grandmother) and strangely feel closer to them than the ones I didn't go to (too young at the time).

This song always reminds me of my grandfathers, in a nice way ...

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  #28  
Old 15.02.2011, 19:38
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Re: The death thread.

Old Hand, I'm sorry for your loss.

When I lost a good friend somewhat unexpectedly this autumn, it was the first time I realized how far away from my hometown I really was. The revolution of the internet is a wonderful thing, and friends reaching out to tell me of his passing was wonderful.

However, I keep thinking to myself, "Next summer, I'll do ______ with Doug," then realize that Doug is no more. I wish I had been able to fly home for his funeral, but his funeral and "Irish wake" were in two different states and I think I'd prefer to have been at the party. So, we went down our local and raised a glass (or four).
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Old 15.02.2011, 19:53
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Re: The death thread.



...we're just floating in space...you realize the sun doesn't go down, it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
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Old 15.02.2011, 20:05
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Re: The death thread.

I started this thread in a myriad of sadness and self-indulgence. I'm glad I did, as i've now booked a flight and I'm going home for the wake and funeral.
Maybe as we get older we expect to get wiser, so I concentrated all my efforts in doing stuff with my friend when she was alive, don't know why I convinced myself this meant I couldn't go to the funeral. Maybe I'm tired of funerals.

One lives and learns.

Thanks to everyone who shared their own experiences it's what makes me always come back to the EF, the human touch.

Think of me this Friday, glass in hand telling tales of a wonderful woman and friend.

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Old 15.02.2011, 20:13
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Re: The death thread.

I have been reading this thread with only one eye open. I guess because I am too scared to open something I don't want to deal with right now.

I just want to tell you that I am trully sorry for your lost Oldhand. I hope you'll get some recomfort going there to see her for the last time.

You know that I really really like you and I wish you all the best in this difficult moment.

Nil
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Old 16.02.2011, 04:13
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Re: The death thread.





These are the songs i listen to all the time for my lost ones.... I love them
Im only 26 and have already lost 2 of my best friends..... I really love these songs and love to get drunk and listen to them. (as im doing now)
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Old 16.02.2011, 12:36
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Re: The death thread.

This song always makes me think of my brother who passed away 8 years ago. It's the kind of song that makes you sad but somehow also happy at the same time.

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Old 16.02.2011, 13:47
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Miss Me, But Let Me Go

When I come to the end of the road
and the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little but not too long
and not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared.
Miss me but let me go.

For this is a journey that we all must take
and each must go alone.
It's all a part of the Master's plan,
A step on the road to Home.


When you are lonely and sick of heart
go to the friends we know,
and bury your sorrows in doing good deeds.
Miss MeBut Let Me Go!

Written by Edgar Guest, and found in his pocket after his death in WW1.

.
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Old 16.02.2011, 16:09
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Re: The death thread.

Grieving is a weird one all right.

My best friend died two years ago and what I found especially upsetting at the time was that the first time I see him for around 4 years was in a box at his funeral, to put it very crudely.

Now I find sometimes that I just feel like I want to make myself upset by his death every now and again and I'll look at old text messages that I've kept for this reason, or listen to certain songs we both used to love, and have a good cry.

This seems really weird reading what I've just written
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Old 18.02.2011, 12:53
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Re: The death thread.

Thinking of you....

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Think of me this Friday, glass in hand telling tales of a wonderful woman and friend.
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Old 18.02.2011, 14:55
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Re: The death thread.

Me too old bean.
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Old 18.02.2011, 15:14
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Re: The death thread.

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Thinking of you....
And me as well.
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Old 18.02.2011, 16:05
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And me three or more.
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Old 26.02.2011, 01:09
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Re: The death thread.

I'll keep it short. I went.

I came out of that service glad to be alive! See how special she was? she comforted us at her own funeral.I felt proud to be called her friend.
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