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Old 22.03.2011, 22:05
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

Another flounce
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  #82  
Old 22.03.2011, 22:05
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

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Gosh, y'all are so disappointing. Au revoir.
Maybe we take a bit of exception to the patronising judgement of our friendships - maybe you didn't mean to come across like that
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Old 22.03.2011, 22:06
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

maybe its the way its all being presented, and the age issue that is getting caught up in the whole thing. im with mc on this one, when i do get to go back home, my friends get their usually disorganized and impulsive schedules together and we have some packed days and nights spending time together- it isnt easy or often we get to go back and my friends cant really afford to come to visit here, so knowing that time and movement are limited, they definitely make an effort to do so. thats why i love them, and i know ill have most of them in my lives forever- luckily.

last year my closest friend even took a week off and kept me company and sane while visiting my family, shopping, doing official paperwork, etc. is she a true friend? for sure, but she also has some flexibility to do this, my other friends make sure to put aside a day or two and we make it happen- some of these friends have known me from 15 years old- i think this makes a difference in going thru distance and time and still being a big part of each others life. but, we may rarely talk on the phone- maybe a 2 hour long call every few months, if that. the real thing is that we know how ever far away or however much time goes by, we are also there for each other. all the other stuff, talk of politics and gossip and the like, is nice, but fills the space so we can just hear each others voice...
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Old 22.03.2011, 22:07
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

Awww.... Hope you aint't flouncing!

Oi, stick around, hb is gona make boiled peanuts in the summer!

Cmon now, weren't we all talking basically about the same thing? How much we miss our friends? Some have theories on finding better friends after 40, well I guess I just have to wait and see..
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Old 22.03.2011, 22:16
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

Ok MC.... you know more about yummies.... how are on earth do you make boiled peanuts ?
and yup, let's have another soirée, y'all come down to Romandie and we'll have some fun.
If I can finally find a good restaurant to organize a Sunday brunch would y'all come round ?

Last edited by Sky; 22.03.2011 at 22:17. Reason: forgot a word
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Old 22.03.2011, 22:18
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

Really would love to. Can't wait. Age immaterial, I hope
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Old 22.03.2011, 22:18
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

What are boiled peanuts?
I've a mental image of cannibals cooking Charlie Brown


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Old 22.03.2011, 22:24
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

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Do you find yourself gradually losing contact with people you used to know in the 'old country'? If so, when you speak to them, do you find it difficult to find anything to talk about?

Am I just a miserable old sod?

Well?
Old country? which old country? old-old country, mid term old country, short-term old country, this old country, once I'll be on my next hop?
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Old 22.03.2011, 22:30
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

Sorry, DB, for a quick detour - you buy peanuts in season in grocery store, late summer in SC, they are salty and green. Then you boil them bad boys.
Brunch it is, sky, pure awesomness..Odile, no age discrimination with us. It's age appreciation.
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Old 22.03.2011, 22:40
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

I've lived in the Netherlands, Italy and now Switzerland - I think more than half my life has now be spent living away from the UK.

When I first moved away, I used to write people back home letters (in the days before internet) and now and again they'd write back. But as time goes on you gradually lose touch - particularly as people get married, have kids, go their separate ways etc.

Via Facebook, I've got back in touch with kids (all in their 40s now) from my school and earlier this year went to a reunion. It was a good job I'd seen their photographs on Facebook as I wouldn't have recognised half of them. Most of my contemporaries still live in the area I went to school in - and it was actually appreciated that I'd made the effort to come all the way from Zürich and paid for a hotel etc so I could show up at the reunion.

When I first moved abroad I used to show off a bit about it when I went back to the UK; and quickly realised it wasn't appreciated. Now I never mention about where I live unless directly asked.

I think living abroad does change your perspective on a lot of things - especially in a place like Switzerland where it is easy to travel to other countries (in Basel I would regularly do tri-national bike rides) and you work with people from all over the world. I don't think that makes me superior to anyone who has stayed in the UK - but your terms of reference are different in many different areas.

Interestingly there was a recent article in the NZZ-On-Sunday (the one where Grumpy got a write-up) about children in Switzerland from multilingual and multinational backgrounds (which applies to many EFers I believe). The conclusion was that such kids have a tremendous advantage over kids from monolingual non-international backgrounds. They are able to speak 2 or more languages as "native"; they're less likely to be stuck in a nationalistic rut; are often well travelled and are able to fit in wherever they go. Good news for nickatbasel Jnr. I thought :-)

Cheers,

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Old 22.03.2011, 22:43
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

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I don't think that makes me superior to anyone who has stayed in the UK - but your terms of reference are different in many different areas.
Exactly!

Couldn't have put it better myself.

Thank you.
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Old 22.03.2011, 22:56
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

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And to Begga, stop feeling guilty. A parent with available funds and grown children/grandchildren should arrange and pay for all family vacations/get-togethers. Their job--not yours.
...and end up with a family that knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.


I don't buy it, and neither should you, Begga

From about 4:15 on
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Old 22.03.2011, 23:04
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

The other thing about the "International Lifestyle" (sorry Scrambled)..is many of the people you meet are on a short stay and move on. So you tend to make friends and acquaintances quickly - some become firm friends and some not - as people come and go.

Interestingly, I've had the situation where friends I've made in (say) Italy have moved back to their native country; I've gone to visit them in their native country and found that there were things about these people I don't really get along with. So in that sense you don't really get to know people in this international environment.

On occasion I do think this can lead to a somewhat lonely sentiment on the other hand it forces you to learn better social interaction skills.

Cheers,
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Old 22.03.2011, 23:04
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

I've lived out of the UK for 17 years (10 in Switzerland) "almost" half my life!

Met loads of people all over the place - but time is the true test of friendship. From "back home" there are 3 friends I still see.

1 who I'm as close to now as I ever was. We started primary school together and have been through life together, playing as kids, first boyfriends, teenage stuff, marriage, kids, deaths. I went to Uni - she stayed at home, then I left. We've been best mates for 34 years - and will be until we die. The fact that I've lived in various countries and live in Switzerland really hasn't changed anything, we still laugh together and talk about everything under the sun.

True there are aspects of British culture which have changed in the time I've been away - but she feels that too, it might have more to do with growing older.

When I'm in the UK - I'm just there. And Switzerland is here. In the UK - the part of Switzerland I keep in my heart is my husband and if he's not with me, my son. When I'm in Switzerland I'm here - but with my family, friends and Whitby fish and chips in my heart!
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  #95  
Old 22.03.2011, 23:04
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

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Okay, I'm starting to feel like the bad daughter now.
In my defence I have a large family and it is something "big" going on ever year with some close relative. I'm always sad to miss it, but it's just a part of not living in the country. I go there every christmas, they know they are also always welcome to visit me. It's expensive to go there, and I really-really want to use my spare money + holidays to do more than just go back home.
Begga, don't feel bad, you're not a bad daughter for missing your mother's 50th. I also missed my mother's 50th, I was living in NYC at the time (about 500 miles away from where my parents lived). Then, just six years later, the last christmas before she died I decided to spend it with my then-partner instead of coming back to see her (she loved xmas like a kid would, well, almost as much). She died several months later. It took me a little while to get over the guilt I felt about missing that xmas, but I also know I did what was right for me at that time. There was no indication she was ill, at least none that anyone told me about.

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...

You can see that reaction on both sides by the way. I have friends back home who think I have "gone all Yerrpeen" and "forsaken my roots" and goodness knows what else, because I am not in touch with day to day politics and culture - the small things that are common ground for them, that whether you agree or disagree on them are building blocks of a conversation. They can't talk to me the same way they used to - just as I can't to them - both of us have so many new cultural references that we effectively don't understand each other without tons of extra explanation - and it's frustrating on both sides.

...
I get the same thing. People sometimes think I'm showing off because I sometimes spell center centre, talk about things happening over here, etc. It is just my life now...
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Old 22.03.2011, 23:09
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

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People sometimes think I'm showing off because I sometimes spell center centre, talk about things happening over here, etc. It is just my life now...
That really annoys me. I genuinely have trouble remembering some words in English now, and it's horrible to be accused of being pretentious because of something you feel a bit embarrassed about anyway.

I feel much more comfortable speaking to my friends in German-speaking countries who at least have some idea of what I'm on about when I accidentally slip a few words of Schwinglish into the conversation. I don't even know I'm doing it most of the time...
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Old 22.03.2011, 23:49
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

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Until you out there in EF Land have experienced a horrendous, traumatizing experience back in your "home" country, and had to count on your tried and true friends to step up to the plate and do yeomans work in your absence, please don't groan at me. You don't know what the hell you are talking about.
You got the groans (at least from me anyway) because you've judged each and every one of our friendships and devalued them simply due to the fact that we arent in our 40s. I did consider giving you an example but realised that I dont have to justify the strength of my friendships (a couple of them 25 years old) and what they have done for me back home during difficult periods that I was abroad to you.
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Old 23.03.2011, 01:09
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

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Hmmm all sounds very hollywood to me. My friends would ask what, where, who, how, why - then ASK ME if they could do anything to help, not jump in guns a blazing and taking over
As TheSpouse said, this is what may happen in a hypothetical situation. The sentiment that I feel she is trying to convey is that, when the shxt really hits the fan, your true friends will drop everything to help you; not in a 'I'm taking over' way but in a 'whatever I can do to help, I will' way.

I think that you took her hypothetical example too literally.
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Old 23.03.2011, 08:55
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

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That really annoys me. I genuinely have trouble remembering some words in English now, and it's horrible to be accused of being pretentious because of something you feel a bit embarrassed about anyway.

I feel much more comfortable speaking to my friends in German-speaking countries who at least have some idea of what I'm on about when I accidentally slip a few words of Schwinglish into the conversation. I don't even know I'm doing it most of the time...
Now I can relate to this.

You see, since I am out from my birth place, I had to be careful of my french speaking. From one city to an other, the accent and expressions can change slightly. When I moved to Montreal, I realised that and even more when I moved out of the country. If I speak in french, I have to make sure people can undertsand me and I had to ajust the accent and expression for something more ''international".

Back home, some find it weird to hear me when I talk, some think it is a snob thing, etc. It isn't. I have been talking like that since the last 10 years or so and I won't stop. I have my aunt who lives in Geneva since more than 30 years. Her accent is totally Genevois! My mother used to find her pretencious to speak with that accent when she came home for visits. I always loved it! She used to speak with this accent with quebecois expression! Priceless!

But for people back home, they judge easily and hate what is different or when someone gets it better or further. Best exemple:

When Celine Dion became popular and began to sing in english, the people back home began to bash her sooooo bad! They couldn't stand her succes and her getting more international. It was pure jealousy. She had to work very hard to get the people to stop that behavior toward her. Now, she is such a legend, no one will ever denie and bash her anymore.

People don't like to see other people from their place to get too successful or being different. I think it is a protective mode.



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As TheSpouse said, this is what may happen in a hypothetical situation. The sentiment that I feel she is trying to convey is that, when the shxt really hits the fan, your true friends will drop everything to help you; not in a 'I'm taking over' way but in a 'whatever I can do to help, I will' way.

I think that you took her hypothetical example too literally.
I also think it is what she meant. BUT You don't need to be in the 40ies to be the kind of friend who'll drop everything to come where ever you are to help you when the Shit hit the fan. I have friends like that and I am also like this for them to. I have not a nice tight family to rely on, so my friends are very very very important to me.
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Old 23.03.2011, 09:07
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Re: Losing contact with 'back home'?

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For much the same reasons, I am loath to attend any EF functions; I have plenty of friends here and to be honest, I can't be arsed making any more. Sorry if that seems harsh, but it's the reality of the matter.
As we've been here in Zurich I noticed that a lot of swiss people have the same outlook on friendship as you do. Its a lot to do with personalities, but my wife and I found that a lot of swiss people have a close nit group of friends and would never proactively go out of their way to find new ones. The exact words of one swiss colleague was "I have enough friends, I dont have time for anymore".

Its funny because we are the exact opposite. If by chance we find an awesome person to hang with walking down the street or at a EF function, we'd love to catch up again. You meet a lot of people in your life through work, social activities, travelling and people. Its like finding the love of your life: Theres only a certain amount of people that you get along with in the world and if you're not open to a friendship at any time you might miss out on something special (no homo way )
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