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  #21  
Old 13.08.2011, 23:39
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Re: I am not happy :(

It seems that you have two issues to address: your relationship with your daughter and your difficulties with Switzerland.

Are the issues being caused by the responsibilities of parenthood or just where you live? I think it is time to think carefully as to what is most important to you and the implications of the various possibilities.

If you moved somewhere else and your daughter was agreeable to moving with you, would you still feel trapped?

If you regained your freedom in another place, but lost contact with your daughter, how would you feel?

I wouldn't expect you to answer the questions here, but they are points that you need to give consideration to. It is not going to be easy. I wish you luck in coming up with the right answer.
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  #22  
Old 13.08.2011, 23:40
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Re: I am not happy :(

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... after 6 years living here i see myself living the same routine and i'm missing my passion, adventures and motivated ex-life i used to have....i'm always a survivor in the worst times and situations....i can build myself from zero to the top with no problems,
Are you a survivor or not? This isn't a Russian gulag, man. 6 years?! It's not surprising that you are at your wit's end after carefully surrounding yourself with a a select group of friends:

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even though i consider myself blessed to have so many great Swiss friends which almost all of them hates it here too for the same exact reasons (No wonder we became so close friends)
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but this time i seriously give up and i don't know what to do.....live happily away from my daughter or keep living unhappy beside her.....it's the hardest choice i've ever encountered in my entire life.
do you really not know what to do? If it's not clear to you then I don't think a change of geography is going to fix you. At the risk of seeming overly harsh I suggest a simple solution for a mere 15 dollars:


1 1/2" 2 Piece Ball Stretcher

it's Ebay, sorry, Ricardo of course doesn't have such things.

Apologies for coming down like this, but hearing a chorus of "oh poor you" is NOT going to help you. You have a healthy child who loves you- can you even begin to imagine the number of people in the world who would trade places with you just for that? and live in a Russian gulag with a huge grin on their face if it meant being near them? If you were here I would give you a hug like Angela suggested, right after giving you a firm slap. Quit wallowing, wake up, and snap out of it!



Last edited by Mud; 14.08.2011 at 03:16. Reason: misspelled quit
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  #23  
Old 13.08.2011, 23:40
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Re: I am not happy :(

I were in Egypt last week with my daughter which was her first time, she admitted to find it a better place to live than here, she agrees to actually live there and she doesn't even speak the language yet......which really made me think more about my whole situation.....i even tried to discuss with her mum if she would ever consider going back to Egypt but she refused the idea

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Can you take a few weeks off work?Go on a long holiday, say back to Egypt, then return. Sometimes fresh eyes can help you make a clear decision.
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  #24  
Old 13.08.2011, 23:43
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Re: I am not happy :(

Many of us go through phases of unrest and even depression- and it is common to blame this on where you live or external reasons. How would moving elsewhere make you feel better and why - where would you like to go and what would it bring you? Many people move countries towards a perfect dream, only to realise that the only thing that really changes, when the chips are down and after the honeymoon period, is the view from the window, and very basic stuff. The nitty gritty of daily life is basically very much the same anywhere- unless you are starving or in a war zone, etc.
And then you might realise that a move has not solved the basic problems, and 'lost' your little girl too and broken her heart. Have you got one or two good friends who know your situation very well and can talk this out with you properly. My heart goes out to you and hope you find a way.
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  #25  
Old 13.08.2011, 23:44
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Re: I am not happy :(

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I were in Egypt last week with my daughter which was her first time, she admitted to find it a better place to live than here, she agrees to actually live there and she doesn't even speak the language yet......which really made me think more about my whole situation.....i even tried to discuss with her mum if she would ever consider going back to Egypt but she refused the idea
Dude, not to be judgmental, but I only have two things to say :

1. The grass will always be greener on the other side of the fence.

2. No one ever realizes what they have until they don't have it anymore.

Good Luck.
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  #26  
Old 13.08.2011, 23:45
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Re: I am not happy :(

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You did put everything in the right place by your words, though the fact is i tried and i reached the best i can reach in CH, now i feel like i'm standing still and even going back to point zero which is i will never feel home here regardless of how much i tried.....i felt home in other places but not here at all, i even have swiss born, educated and raised friends who spent all there lives here and they feel the same too......comparing here to anywhere else doesn't take so much efforts to understand that it is not the most accommodating society and i'm not referring that Swiss people are bad, on the contrary, they're nice......fact is the entire system of the country is not at all related to what real life aspects is, it's like living inside a bubble, at least this is it for me.....i just feel distant of own myself, my creativity is just vanishing, my freedom being limited, my motivation is nowhere like before and i'm feeling totally insecure....i feel like being totally used rather than being part of an entire society and enjoying contributing to it and living in it, for me this is absolutely dying on slow motion.
I get you on the real life aspect. But that's on purpose, me thinks. Since, real life brings ugly moments and risks, and people want to avoid it. It's not only here, but it is less elsewhere since people have cash to avoid it more efficiently here. It's a perk we forget,though.

Just venture out for those risks, or, try to find job where you can actually share your mindset about this risk/real life and people who know how to deal with it not being an entirely bad concept.

I schedule a mind treatment and drive as often as I can a few kms over the border to go running. What a luxury, really. Just being able to do that, and have the perspective of both worlds. So many people want to be in the safety, functionality and low key heaven CH is, when you live here you forget. I watch some burgeouis French slurping live seafood on the market and happily come back.

It's ok to go through these moments in life. A little existencial crisis, just a step away from improvements that you will be pushed to do.
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Last edited by MusicChick; 13.08.2011 at 23:57.
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  #27  
Old 14.08.2011, 00:23
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Re: I am not happy :(

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I'm not happy living here for way too many reasons, i so want to leave immediately now but i'm stuck.....i'm so attached with my little daughter that i cannot leave, when she once heard me chatting about it on the phone with a friends, she totally broke down crying.

I'm not feeling it's me here, this is not my life, not even close....i miss my freedom, i miss my social life, i miss having an active life, friends, family and lots more things...i feel i'm dying slowly here and cannot do anything about it, after 6 years living here i see myself living the same routine and i'm missing my passion, adventures and motivated ex-life i used to have....i'm always a survivor in the worst times and situations....i can build myself from zero to the top with no problems, but this time i seriously give up and i don't know what to do.....live happily away from my daughter or keep living unhappy beside her.....it's the hardest choice i've ever encountered in my entire life.
Whoah, Mowvich,

Before I read the other comments, I wish to offer you my sympathy! What a sh*t position to be in! Is there a way to improve on your freedom/social life/active life/ friends? (Family is excluded here, I suppose...)

Feeling like dying is not what any person deserves, question is, would living without your daughter really mean living happily away from her, or would you continue to die slowly when you won't see your daughter again? Is there a possibility to have her with you (very) frequently?

If it helps, I have been in a similar situation, and my choice has been not to separate from my child. I will make this work for myself, even if it has to take ample time and considerable effort from my side. For me, that's totally worth it.

I cannot compare with you, I must admit, since I do not know your situation.

Wish you all the strength and wisdom you need!!!

Best,
Marcel.
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  #28  
Old 14.08.2011, 00:29
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Re: I am not happy :(t

i guess it will come down to how much time you'd still be able to spend with your daughter if you'd decide to leave - do you have the means to take her regularly to egypt, and how often will you be able to travel to ch to see her?

what does her mother think about all this? is she supportive, and willing to let her go for some weeks with you to egypt?
what i also would consider, as your daughter is so young, most of the communication with her will involve the mother - will your ex be motivated to keep up the contact with you on a very regular basis?

on the positive side, her daddy is egyptian, so i think it will be healthy for her to be exposed on a deeper level with this culture too. (if there is a granny, grandad, uncles, cousins etc down there she will spend more time with, it will open some horizons for her as well. )
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  #29  
Old 14.08.2011, 00:47
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Re: I am not happy :(

Someone told me once that it is nice to think of your child or children as gifts (from God or whom or whatever need not matter). I really connected with this.

I think if I were to think constantly that way, life would guide me nicely, rather than me trying to guide my life.

Last edited by transition; 14.08.2011 at 01:30.
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  #30  
Old 14.08.2011, 02:38
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Re: I am not happy :(

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Someone told me once that it is nice to think of your child or children as gifts (from God or whom or whatever need not matter). I really connected with this.

I think if I were to think constantly that way, life would guide me nicely, rather than me trying to guide my life.
I like this. I like to think along these lines too. When I have to get up with a crying baby in the night, I try to remind myself what a privilege it is to have these little people in my life...totally innocent, perfect little beings, relying completely on me. They grow up so quickly. Even when it isn't easy, and being a parent is often a hard slog, I try to cherish every second.

Mowvich, I get where you're coming from. I miss my home country too as well as many of the places I've lived in the past. I found a lot more "life" there, but also I found I was in a constant love/hate relationship with these places. Life was exciting and challenging and rewarding and frustrating, often all in the same day. People would talk to each other, tell you what to dress your kid in, argue with you on the bus, compliment you, smile at you. That kind of intensity does make you feel really alive, it's intoxicating.

Switzerland inspires none of these intense feelings in me. I find it "easy" here. Life is good, as simple as that. Sometimes I kinda like that too.

You mentioned you had recently returned from a trip to Egypt. I always feel depressed when I return from a trip home. All the excitement and anticipation, spending lots of time surrounded by friends and family, something new happening every day, and then back here to reality again (and often crappy weather too ). It will always take me a few weeks to get back into the groove.

Keep focussing on your daughter and all the positives you are providing her by giving her the opportunity to grow up and be educated here. That job, being her father and being there for her, is the most important one you will ever have.
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  #31  
Old 14.08.2011, 03:56
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Re: I am not happy :(

It must be hell- to love your daughter you have to quit loving yourself or vice versa.

You have to get yourself out of this otherwise you may end up - well we all know where depression can end up.

When you leave a country many people romanticize about it (although I didn't). But I have seen people do that- sorry but one week in Egypt doesn't give a realistic picture. When you go home people have missed you and make a fuss of you etc. It is a holiday - you don't have to deal with regular day-to-day issues.

The only thing that helped me in Switzerland was to go up the mountains and look at things from a different perspective. When you are in the valleys then you can feel swallowed up, you can't see the wood for the trees. When you get up high you see how small everything is and perhaps laugh at it.

You really have to fight the onset of depression, you will have to find something (apart from your daughter) that has value for you. You have to actively seek it out- whether it is volunteer work, an F1 group enthusiasts group whatever gets you going. There are wonderful people in Switzerland who can inspire you but if you have your head in a rain cloud you won't find them.
If you go to Egypt without your daughter then how often do you realistically envisage seeing her? There is cost and time involved, it isn't a train ride away. One solution would be for you to have her during the summers?
However there may be a culture clash if Mum is not Egyptian. She will be schooled and influenced by others, including substitute male figures. Can you handle that?

If you choose to stay then you have to get happy somehow. I was at one time exhausted with life- working, studying, paying a mortgage, with a young child as a single parent, nursing a dying mother and trying to get a divorce.
I decided that I had to take time out for myself to do anything that made me happy as long as it didn't aim to hurt anyone. I had to do it to be a good parent to my child, Otherwise I could just be miserable all the time and end up making the child feel like a ball and chain, when they were actually the joy of my life. I would destroy the thing that I loved most.

I love nature so I would stop in the street and stare at anything that I found beautiful; like leaf imprints on the concrete. I took my sandwiches and sat in the middle of the campus quadrant under the trees, lay down and napped. At first student stared, (unbelievably no-one had done this before) but after a while they began doing the same. I also quit bottling up my emotions. I would laugh really loudly when I found something funny- even if others didn't. I would cry when I felt like it. I would sing, whistle or dance when I felt like it. Most of all I quit doing what other people told me to do and quit being who they wanted me to be, if I didn't find it reasonable. I wore and ate whatever I liked no matter how weird people thought my choices. Some people thought I had gone nuts- It was difficult for them to adjust to the new me. But they weren't me. I had to reclaim me before it was too late. To attract the people whom make you happy, you first have to work on making yourself happy.

That's my philosophy, I'm not sure if that relates to your situation or not, but I enjoyed writing it! The more you talk to people the more personal stories you will hear- eventually one of them will hit a chord; there are others like you in Switzerland!

Last edited by hoppy; 14.08.2011 at 04:10.
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  #32  
Old 14.08.2011, 05:08
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Re: I am not happy :(

LISTS... I love lists. its the only practical way I can cope with things.
I have moved countries 4 times and continents 3 times in 6 years. giving up work, friends and family. Its not easy starting over and there are always things you will have issues with. But I sit down on a 'good' day and make a list of the thinks that are better where I am and that were wrong with 'home'. then also a list that I 'think' was better at home whilst I am wearing my rosy glasses and then ditto on a 'bad' day

From the list thats wrong what can you change?? and How?? I know this sounds a bit psycho babble but when you actually start to think out-aloud about things to either yourself or people that can help it does put everything into perspective. It also doesn't help to speak to people who are negative about Switzerland unless they have positive imput !!

Most of the problems I have seen with friends comes with acceptance of where you are. You may not like it but you are there.... How can you make it more tolerable. i know its hard to get out of a downward spiral but try to find someone who is positive and feed off it.... it will make a difference to how you feel.
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  #33  
Old 14.08.2011, 07:51
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Re: I am not happy :(

So, from your own posts I see that:
- you have a daughter that you love here
- you have good friends here (Swiss, even)

Add to that:
- you live in perhaps the most safe, politically and financially stable country on Earth
- you live in a beautiful area of a stunningly beautiful country
- Switzerland is a pure direct-democracy where personal freedoms are respected
- You live in a country with some of highest average incomes and lowest taxes in the world.

And you want to move to an poor, over-populated country which is currently destabilized and under military rule, where salaries are a small fraction of what you can earn here, that is if you can find a job (unemployment in Egypt is over 10 percent vs. about 3 percent here).

I think you may want to figure out what is the real problem, which I suspect lies elsewhere.
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  #34  
Old 14.08.2011, 08:30
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Re: I am not happy :(

I suspect that the act of writing these mails.....with the thought that went into "How do I write this problem in language that people understand?, reading the replies, thinking about them and then writing a reply with have acted as a catharsis to you......and while the obvious underlying issues of your daughter and CH won't have changed, maybe some of the deeper issues behind it all may have worked their way out of your head and onto the keyboard

I hope so. I hope that this sunny Sunday morning finds you better than when you started the thread.
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Old 14.08.2011, 08:50
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Re: I am not happy :(

I would like to suggest that perhaps you should seek professional help - someone who is not emotionally involved, and with whom you can talk things through. This may help you see your situation from other aspects, and help clear your mind. Good luck!
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Old 14.08.2011, 09:10
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Re: I am not happy :(

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So, from your own posts I see that:
- you have a daughter that you love here
- you have good friends here (Swiss, even)

Add to that:
- you live in perhaps the most safe, politically and financially stable country on Earth
- you live in a beautiful area of a stunningly beautiful country
- Switzerland is a pure direct-democracy where personal freedoms are respected
- You live in a country with some of highest average incomes and lowest taxes in the world.

And you want to move to an poor, over-populated country which is currently destabilized and under military rule, where salaries are a small fraction of what you can earn here, that is if you can find a job (unemployment in Egypt is over 10 percent vs. about 3 percent here).

I think you may want to figure out what is the real problem, which I suspect lies elsewhere.
I agree with all these points but it seems what Mowvich is referring to is cultural. In Switzerland western countries in general relationship culture and values is not comparable to other nations, people often get disconnected in western culture. What is on the surface in Switzerland may be suitable for the majority but those who value cultural contact with their homeland cannot compare the two.

Switzerland for me is all those things mentioned in this list and it is definitely enough, but comparing to Australia there is more cultural existence in middle Europe than in Aus.

I greatly value the trips I make to Eastern and Southern europe as these trips offer great cultural experiences, family values, and great food, without the stress of working here in Switzerland can offer.
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Old 14.08.2011, 09:27
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Re: I am not happy :(

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I would happily live in my homeland Egypt where people are warm and take care of each others, enjoy their life and always stand together for the good and the bad rather than living here.
So why did you leave Egypt then, 6 years ago and come to Switzerland of all places?

Also, I wouldn't dare say you've got a problem and go see someone because I know way too many people who are perfectly normal but go through such moments of crisis, are so fed up and all and then somehow it passes and life goes on. I myself know such moments way too well and like you I can survive and handle quite a bit of it. I hate them though, those moments.

Also, this is simply utter rubbish to say that in other places, like back home for instance, life is so much more exciting etc.
Everybody and really I mean everybody, even with all dreams fullfilled for a moment, will feel an emptiness, a meaninglessness, a what the heck am I doing with my life moment and they will have to deal with it in some way or another.

....
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Old 14.08.2011, 09:28
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Re: I am not happy :(

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She's soon to be 6 y.o......and i don't think the problem is Geneva in itself, it's more of the entire point of living in CH.....
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Mowvich, I get where you're coming from. I miss my home country too as well as many of the places I've lived in the past. I found a lot more "life" there, but also I found I was in a constant love/hate relationship with these places. Life was exciting and challenging and rewarding and frustrating, often all in the same day. People would talk to each other, tell you what to dress your kid in, argue with you on the bus, compliment you, smile at you. That kind of intensity does make you feel really alive, it's intoxicating.

Switzerland inspires none of these intense feelings in me. I find it "easy" here. Life is good, as simple as that. Sometimes I kinda like that too.
This is exactly how I feel. I need those emotions, those contacts. I need to feel warm feelings. I am so happy to be in Spain now, I miss my friends deeply, this is the sad part. But the daily life, the tram, bus and metro full of chatting, people helping each other, smilling at you.

Friday we went to Ikea and we were waiting to pick up some furniture, it was long, people were impatient.... What they did? They spoke to each other, began to say jokes, laugh and entertain each other while passing time.

On the bus, the other day, it was a commotion at they entrance and it took a while for people to get in and sit, when it was done, people were all talking to each other and laughing about it.

This is how it is in Québec and in Turkey. I missed that deeply.

So I trully understand how you feel. You are coming from a warm culture, you are used to have deeper relations with family, friends, neighbours, strangers, etc.

CH is beautiful, organised, clean, calm and safe.

It is very very boring for me. I like a bit more chaos, it is challenging and keep me on my toes.
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Old 14.08.2011, 09:48
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Re: I am not happy :(

And I get a groan about my feelings? Yep, this is Switzerland!
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Old 14.08.2011, 10:26
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Re: I am not happy :(

I haven't been living in CH for six years. I don't have children. But I was a child. And I remember I was unhappy seeing or feeling my parents unhappy. So I can only imagine how unhappy she will be having you so far away and how unhappy she might be when you decide to stay because of her but you won't change anything to make you feel happy person.

I feel really sorry for you. But when you decide to stay, find different reasons to do so. Otherwise, one day she will grow up, will make her own decisions and... they won't meet your expectations because you might expect too much just because you sacrifiesed yourself and everything you belived just to meet her expectations... when she was six.

I can only imagine how difficult decision it might be so whatever you will decide I hope you'll feel happy with it.

All the best and I keep my fingers crossed for you
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