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Old 13.11.2011, 09:53
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Re: Office flirt

First off, thanks for all the great advise, EF guys and gals. This forum can be a real life saver. This is not a topic I can discuss with anyone at work, nor with my wife, nor with friends as they then discuss it with their significant others who then consider me "a bad influence".

I have done the math long ago, if anything further developed with her I would destroy my marriage, be kicked out of the house, wreck my family, lose most friends (as they are mostly joint friends with my wife), wreck my career through the resulting office gossip, and face financial ruin.

And after all that, she would probably dump me for someone richer and/or younger (she is 17 years younger than me).

So, I am just looking for your input to support my decision to get her out of my life (and mind), but somehow do it professionally as I still bump into her at work.
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Old 13.11.2011, 09:55
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Re: Office flirt

Karl, I'm with Rob1 on this one. Even your posting on this thread is confusing. You seem adament that your family come first, nothing must happen/has happened, you even suggest you have been "busted" over the skype thing, so I am assuming things have reached a pretty serious point in your home life over this business, yet this isn't enough motivation to put a stop to it?

Nothing we can say can surely motivate you any more than your family at home?

What do you really want? Because you are clearly saying one thing, but your actions are telling me something different.

You do seem committed to your wife and family and if you are not able to sort this thing alone, please, please try to speak to someone. Maybe someone here could suggest somewhere for relationship counselling? If you cannot find anything here, I know a very respected family/relationship counselling practice in London (personal experience of it) that would probably offer initial counselling for you on the phone.

EDIT OOPs! Was posting as you posted the above. You seem very definite about what you want, hopefully for all right reasons (you love your wife might come first and foremost?) Keep reminding yourself of this, every minute of every day. And be kind to yourself. You've got yourself into a bad situation and it was pretty much your own doing. You are where you are. Beating yourself up about it isn't going to help you.
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  #23  
Old 13.11.2011, 10:03
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Re: Office flirt

This thread has inspired a related thread here:

How much is too much?
  #24  
Old 13.11.2011, 10:05
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Re: Office flirt

Yes, this issue goes much deeper than just getting over an emotional affair at work. I think it is a mix of mid-life (I've been here 25 years, and it has dawned on me that in another 25 I will probably be dead), being married a very long time (yes, we've done counselling with mixed results), boredom at work, missing the excitement of a new relationship (God, it's been a long time). But at this point in my life, it is not just about me, I have made promises that I must keep, and brought children into this world who I am responsible for. On the other hand I am human, and cannot turn off my emotions like a switch, especially when it comes to someone I am deeply attracted to.

Nothing is going to happen. If it hasn't already, it won't. I just need to work on getting her out of my mind, that's the hard part now. I really wish she would leave the company.
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:08
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Re: Office flirt

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I really wish she would leave the company.
Have a chat with HR before the Probezeit ends
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:19
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Re: Office flirt

Seems like a typical mid-life crisis to me. Had the woman not been your collegue, I would have told you to have a discreet affair with her to get it out of your system. However, her being your co-worker and already showing signs of Glenn Close, I'd stay way clear of her.

Second best? Buy a motor-cycle or start training for triathlon.
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:27
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Re: Office flirt

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I just need to work on getting her out of my mind, that's the hard part now.
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Next thing I see she is targeting senior management, and is all over about 5 different men...hugging, touching, openly flirting. It bothers me, and she knows it.
Karl, to get her out of your mind concentrate on the fact that she has already gotten you out of hers. She's already moved on higher up the food chain - as was her intention all along. You were the first rung on the ladder, that's all. She's not worth any extra thought - and she certainly is not worth ruining your career and marriage.

From now on the only thoughts you should have that include her are those dedicated to watching your back - this type enjoys playing with fire.

As other have said - keep it professional.
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:28
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Re: Office flirt

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Seems like a typical mid-life crisis to me. Had the woman not been your collegue, I would have told you to have a discreet affair with her to get it out of your system. However, her being your co-worker and already showing signs of Glenn Close, I'd stay way clear of her.

Second best? Buy a motor-cycle or start training for triathlon.
I won't push the groan button cos I think it's rude (though I'm seriously tempted) but I will write a huge GROAN (!!!!) here
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:32
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Re: Office flirt

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Karl, to get her out of your mind concentrate on the fact that she has already gotten you out of hers. She's already moved on higher up the food chain - as was her intention all along. You were the first rung on the ladder, that's all. She's not worth any extra thought - and she certainly is not worth ruining your career and marriage.

From now on the only thoughts you should have that include her are those dedicated to watching your back - this type enjoys playing with fire.

As other have said - keep it professional.
Guys...can we think about it for a second? You have already all tagged this woman as some sort of gold digger..only from what the OP has said. It could be so but it's possible that it's not...what if the woman had feelings for the OP? The OP rejected her so she is trying to forget about him by getting involved with other people. OP said she is new and lost, so the workplace is the easiest place for her to find men. OP said she was flirting with management, but what if OP is seeing this supposed 'flirting' through his jealous eye. All I am saying is don't judge this woman. After all, she's not the one flirting and taking things further than she should while being married.
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  #30  
Old 13.11.2011, 10:35
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Re: Office flirt

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I will never understand "teambuilding" and work settings with alcoholic beverages.
That's because you don't work for a Swiss company (and more importantly, don't live in Ticino).

Tom
  #31  
Old 13.11.2011, 10:37
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I'd suggest to decide what you want to do and then talk to the girl. You at least owe it to here to say "yeah I got carried away but I decided that wife comes first so we have to stop " or whatever.
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  #32  
Old 13.11.2011, 10:37
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Re: Office flirt

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Buy a motor-cycle.
Or buy a faster motorcycle (or three).

Tom
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:50
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Re: Office flirt

Possibly related:

How do I tell my Swiss Boss I'm not interested?
  #34  
Old 13.11.2011, 10:57
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Re: Office flirt

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Guys...can we think about it for a second? You have already all tagged this woman as some sort of gold digger..only from what the OP has said. It could be so but it's possible that it's not...what if the woman had feelings for the OP?
You want a balanced opinion??? On EF?

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The OP rejected her so she is trying to forget about him by getting involved with other people.
Yep. On the company party. In plain view and with every manager around. Sounds exactly like she got over him...

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OP said she is new and lost, so the workplace is the easiest place for her to find men.
Common - it's not that hard to find a date if you are female... looking for one in the workplace is not the smartest idea and to do so on the company event is simply unprofessional. Can happen to everyone with enough alcohol, but I cannot feel pity for her...
  #35  
Old 13.11.2011, 10:58
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Re: Office flirt

I don't know if you want this advice or not, but I think you need to talk to your wife.

You formed a risky emotional connection with another woman. That's a big deal, and the heaviness of that will weigh between you and your wife, whether she understands why or not, until you do...secrets feel terrible in a marriage. Your wife will be hurt, confused, probably angry, feel betrayed. But until you tell her, I don't see any way out of it consuming you. Secrets are toxic like that. I also think she has a right to know (your wife), and to have a voice in how you respond from now on, to ask you to make changes to protect your marriage.

Once you take responsibility for your actions, you can leave those emotions behind, form a deeper relationship with your wife, and feel proud of your integrity. Until then, I suspect it will eat you up inside (your emotions are there to give you information - what information are they giving you right now?)

Also, I don't mean this as a dig, but just as a comment, the title of your thread suggests that she is at fault by labelling her a flirt. But I think you know, that you the one responsible for protecting your marriage, not the secretary, and you dropped the ball here. Again, this comes back to taking responsibility as the path to change.
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  #36  
Old 13.11.2011, 11:08
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Re: Office flirt

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I don't know if you want this advice or not, but I think you need to talk to your wife...
That part already happened months ago. We went through counseling and I promised it was over. Told the office buddy it had to stop. 3 months passed without speaking a word to her. Then it slowly started again. But this time is different..I am much further away from her, and will continue putting distance between. I have to.
  #37  
Old 13.11.2011, 11:11
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Re: Office flirt

In this case I don't know what we are talking about.
If you have made a decision and intend to keep your distance then don't imply, by talking about it on here - which may get around to your wife's ears or eyes - that it is still an on-going, no solution in sight, problem.
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  #38  
Old 13.11.2011, 11:14
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Re: Office flirt

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You want a balanced opinion??? On EF?



Yep. On the company party. In plain view and with every manager around. Sounds exactly like she got over him...



Common - it's not that hard to find a date if you are female... looking for one in the workplace is not the smartest idea and to do so on the company event is simply unprofessional. Can happen to everyone with enough alcohol, but I cannot feel pity for her...

Sometimes men see women flirt when women are not flirting at all, we just have the OP's word for it. The OP hasn't mentioned, for example, at what point this woman got to know that he was married. Did she know from the start, or did she discover later, after the gift-exchanges and skyping started? Unless this woman knew specifically that this guy was married, she really hasn't done anything wrong. The OP, on the other hand....
The fact that the OP said she was openly 'flirting' with management in front of everyone seems to me to suggest that it is his jealousy speaking. Would she really flirt with management in front of EVERYONE??? If sleeping with management were her intention she'd be far more descreet. I am not saying all this is true, but don't judge this woman without knowing her or having heard her side of the story
  #39  
Old 13.11.2011, 11:24
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Re: Office flirt

Why is everyone so negative about the girl? She fell for you, you are suddenly showing signs of remorse and want to back off. So maybe she flirts with 5 people at the office party just to show you that you are safe, and she is off your case? I am pretty sure she won't be in your way from now on. You just need to deal with your own demons. Nobody needs to leave the company, just a couple of uncomfortable weeks and that's it. People flirt when they are working very closely on the same project (all that intellectual stimulation translates into attraction very easily) and then pull back and go on being colleagues and even friends all the time. You are lucky you are not spending 8 hours a day in intense discussions with her for the next few months, adding other dimensions to your attraction :-)
And by the way the triathlon suggestion is great. Sport is a great way to deal with the midlife crisis.
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Old 13.11.2011, 11:27
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Re: Office flirt

Karl, it sounds like what you need is simply a big dose of mental discipline. You're on the right track though, having started to wean yourself off her emotionally.

Might be worthwhile to talk to a good friend about it. People you trust can help you with this kind of thing.
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