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Old 13.11.2011, 08:52
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Office flirt

So there is a new woman hired at my office in admin. She is obviously a bit lost at the start, and her English isn't very good, so she asks me for help. Next thing you know, she's flirting, we're having lunch regularly, skyping, trading little gifts, and I become her on-demand English helper/translator. She is attractive and dresses the part. Things start to get a bit inappropriate, and we cross an emotional line that makes the work environment uncomfortable, so I try to back off.

Last week we have a company evening event ("team building") including lots of drinks. I try to avoid her. Next thing I see she is targeting senior management, and is all over about 5 different men...hugging, touching, openly flirting. It bothers me, and she knows it.

Anyone ever been in this situation before? Should I avoid her like the plague, or just carry on politely, but turn down her requests for help?

Oh, and I'm married so nothing can happen with her in any event. I am probably more than 50 percent at fault for letting this situation develop to this point. I'm starting to feel I should terminate all contact with her and not even answer emails. Problem is, I still have to see her everyday at the office. The job is otherwise great, and I don't want to jeopardize it, especially now she is developing a "rapport" with management...
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Old 13.11.2011, 08:59
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Re: Office flirt

Well obviously she doesnt care much about you since she is flirting with other people already. Just keep your relationship professional. Dont be nasty to her and dont ignore her. You dont want her to say to your boss nasty things about you especially if she (maybe) starts sleeping with him...
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Old 13.11.2011, 09:44
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Re: Office flirt

Sorry but I dont get it...You were looking for something more and got yourself into the situation. Few questions to think about:
1. If you are married why do you get into Skyping with a co-worker, little gifts, e-mails...What does your wife have to say about that?
2. Why does it bother you if she is flirting with others?
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Old 13.11.2011, 09:46
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Re: Office flirt

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Last week we have a company evening event ("team building") including lots of drinks. I try to avoid her. Next thing I see she is targeting senior management, and is all over about 5 different men...hugging, touching, openly flirting. It bothers me, and she knows it.
Not saying it's as easy as all this, but the fact is, you rejected her, you don't have a right to let her flirting bother you, and you need to man up and find a way past that.

As for the rest, follow Gata's advice. I've had a few office relationships, some caused problems while others were fine - and the ones that were fine were the ones where I succeeded in treating her afterwards just exactly as I did before the fun. Just be professional.

Edit: I missed the part about being married, so nothing's going to happen in any case. So then, what's the issue with her flirting?
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:04
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Re: Office flirt

Hum.... Though question... Let's ask your wife?
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:05
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Re: Office flirt

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Oh, and I'm married so nothing can happen with her in any event.
looks like it already did and you went too far. you admitted to "skyping AND exchanging gifts" with a recently hired secretary.

you were not thinking with your head but the other thing.

if your wife gets hold of lawyers with this evidence, good lawyers will shred you to pieces.

this woman could make your job and life a living hell. be very careful, but it could be too late already. looks like she is the manipulative type, and if she is getting close with your boss and you are rejecting her...guess what happens next? she starts telling the boss you are rude to her at work/ you are sexually harassing her, makes up stories, you could get fired.she could go as far as talking to your wife.

you know you have gone too far, but won't admit it.
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:08
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Re: Office flirt

Karma's a bitch innit' ?
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:10
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Re: Office flirt

Clearly your only solution here is to get promoted to senior management.
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:11
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Re: Office flirt

Yes, I admit it, starting the whole thing was my mistake. But it started so innocently, she asks for a little help and advise...then offers to repay me with a couple beers or lunch...and the cycle repeated. She was new in Switzerland, just ended a long term relationship, was a fish out of water at work, so I just decided to be nice to her, take her under my wing and help her out. OK, that she is attractive also made it easier. Over several months it sort of escalated into a "friendship"...I just kept telling myself it made an otherwise boring day at the office a bit less boring. Before I realized it, it developed into an emotional bond where I became her shoulder to cry on, advisor and "office buddy". I now have spent months trying to extricate myself, and am finding it difficult to do. This latest episode finally gives me some mental ammunition to stop the whole thing. And yes, it has negatively affected my home life. I have a family. I keep oscillating between trying to ignore her, or telling her how I feel, or just keeping our contact purely professional. She works in a different department, so outside of me helping her with English, I would have nothing to do with her at work. It would be all fine and well if I could just get her off my mind. But I struggling to do that.
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:16
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Re: Office flirt

Grow up little boy.
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:17
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Re: Office flirt

As others have said, just be polite towards here and learn the lesson.

Having experienced one really bad office romance when I was single, I would never advise them personally. She was stunning blonde and intelligent, however she came with a thermo nuclear device that activated two weeks into our romance. That was because I turned down her marriage proposal, bit soon for me.

I could write a good story on what happened next but it was not pleasant, least to say she started stalking me, visiting my friends and making my life hell in ways you cannot believe. The women in the office tried to intervene as they could see what a bunny boiler she was but they were no match for her

Maybe as a man I am wired differently but as a married man I do not flirt and or engage in anything else remotely linked with other woman, I respect my wife and that is why I married her, otherwise I would have stayed single.
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:18
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Re: Office flirt

I have removed her from Skype months ago (after being busted, actually)
I have erased all her emails, and have decided to terminate all personal emails.
I do not call or text her.
There will be no more "presents" or lunches.
I will not "accidentally" stop by her office anymore.
I have actually had to make an excel list of things that have to stop, and go through it every day at the office to make sure it has stopped.
The next time she asks for help, I will politely decline.

This is like kicking a drug addiction. I never thought in a million years this kind of thing would happen at work.
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:18
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Re: Office flirt

I will never understand "teambuilding" and work settings with alcoholic beverages. It seems to cross an ethical line to me.

As far as the flirtation with senior management... if it gets her anywhere... wouldn't that fall in the lines of sexual harassment? You're being exposed to this kind of inappropriate conduct and she clearly has motives.

But then... you have to ask yourself how inappropriate things got between you and her and if you've got any room to bring it up.
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:19
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Re: Office flirt

if your employment skills are in high demand, think your best solution is to start looking for a new job. get out of that environment. sounds like things have gone too far and anything could happen next. there is huge potential for her to manipulate you/mgmt and ultimately have you fired/divorced. you fell for her like a 16 year-old. good luck
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:20
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Re: Office flirt

The old cliche 'never mess your own doorstep' would be a good one to remember in the future.
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:21
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Re: Office flirt

Maybe you encouraged her into believing that you were an MBA ( Married But Available ). Best to politely explain to her of your stance.
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:27
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Re: Office flirt

You need to be very, very careful here, Karl. Your marriage and family are of primary importance in this situation, and having what sounds like an emotional affair can be just as damaging as a real one. I am not trying to be overly dramatic, as you did not actually have a physical relationship with this woman, but according to your posts, you are still devoting mental and emotional resources to her even after you realize that you crossed a line with your relationship with her. That, of course, takes mental and emotional energy away from the stores that you have for the other relationships in your life.

Avoid her as much as you can; no lunches or out-of-office socializing if at all possible, even if these events involve others. Your interactions at work with her should be only business-like and polite. Don't fall into any trap where she wants to talk about "what has changed" or "why are you acting cold to me." If she tries to appeal to you, just tell her that you are her work colleague, that is all, and that any other needs she has for emotional support, language support, etc. will need to be met by someone in her personal life. You can do that without being nasty.

It sounds like this woman is bent on eventually clawing her way up via other men. Most times that eventually ends up getting a woman "let go."

EDIT/ It ends up in a woman being "let go" when it doesn't end up with her being married to a member of senior management.
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:32
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Re: Office flirt

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I have removed her from Skype months ago (after being busted, actually)
I have erased all her emails, and have decided to terminate all personal emails.
I do not call or text her.
There will be no more "presents" or lunches.
I will not "accidentally" stop by her office anymore.
I have actually had to make an excel list of things that have to stop, and go through it every day at the office to make sure it has stopped.
The next time she asks for help, I will politely decline.

This is like kicking a drug addiction. I never thought in a million years this kind of thing would happen at work.

I think you need serious counselling, stop thinking with your dick and think with your other head!

Personally I suspect you have already had an intimate moment with the temp, nearly got caught by your wife and now are in the shit and panic mode has set in.

It appears you have an obsession with this woman going by your comments which tends to suggest things are not 100% at home, maybe its time to speak to someone.
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:44
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Re: Office flirt

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Maybe you encouraged her into believing that you were an MBA ( Married But Available ). Best to politely explain to her of your stance.
I guess as a man it must feels good to feel needed and appreciated for your skills by a beautiful woman. It feels powerful, competent, needed and respected. Being the one she turns too is good for the ego and bring a little extra to show off in front of collegues.

I can understand how this ego booster went on and how you felt good, energetic and alive. You crossed the line from being friendly to emotional, like you said, yes it is like a drug. You had something. New, big sensations which you may didn't have for a long time. It is understandable but not excusable.

First, you should never f**k with the payroll. Second, you never get involve with an other woman without thinking of potential consequences and third, you are married so you keep your pants on and don't get closer to an new woman acquaintance, ever!
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Old 13.11.2011, 10:47
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Re: Office flirt

Well, dear OP, I've read all your posts on this thread and never did I hear you say something along the lines of 'I love my wife', but just 'I am married' and 'I have a family', so while I by no means want you to answer this on this forum, think about it. Are you actually happily married or just married?

If you're happily married than you've clearly crossed the line, and should do everything to detatch yourself from this woman, even if it means starting to look for another job. While I find physical cheating unacceptable, emotional cheating (to a certain degree) is human, but it should be stopped.

If you're not happily married than it's a completely different story.
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