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  #21  
Old 08.04.2012, 11:33
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Re: Would appreciate comments, especially from a Christian perspective...

Hey there, coup-de-grace,

From my point of view, you're going about things the wrong way round. From a Christian perspective, the whole point of life is not "to be loved".

It is to give love.

Be love, and love will never leave you. Do not wait for it to fall onto your lap. BE it, and your natural sunshine will draw people to you. But remember...people are drawn to what they need...sometimes desperately, and often destructively. Keep this in mind too. Need and love are not the same thing at all.

So...do you "need" someone to tell you they love you? Or do you love yourself and the world and the people in it?

Think about it. And once you figure out how to become love, watch out for those that would take advantage.
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  #22  
Old 08.04.2012, 12:28
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Re: Would appreciate comments, especially from a Christian perspective...

Happy Easter to everyone! As to your response; I've already told myself many times I'm being selfish, and that seems to dampen my spirits even more. I know I'm not in the right mind set here because I should just be happy giving, like many I've given and not always received and that's okay because you shouldn't give with the thought of receiving. That's not what giving is about. Yet I am human, and there comes a point when you would like to be loved in return. Being "love" doesn't always mean you will be loved in return; by GOD yes, by people not always. I think Jesus was a perfect example of this. All I'm saying is most people have been loved by someone romantically at some point or another.
For me this has never once been the case, and I'm wondering why. I have full confidence GOD will show me in time. I have been seriously considering the involvement in a nunnery, as I truly love the concept of it, the devotion and have always loved studying the dead sea scrolls and Biblical texts. So perhaps, as I stated before, if not for this, GOD is saving me for something else. I would just have an inclination as to what.
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Hey there, coup-de-grace,

From my point of view, you're going about things the wrong way round. From a Christian perspective, the whole point of life is not "to be loved".

It is to give love.

Be love, and love will never leave you. Do not wait for it to fall onto your lap. BE it, and your natural sunshine will draw people to you. But remember...people are drawn to what they need...sometimes desperately, and often destructively. Keep this in mind too. Need and love are not the same thing at all.

So...do you "need" someone to tell you they love you? Or do you love yourself and the world and the people in it?

Think about it. And once you figure out how to become love, watch out for those that would take advantage.
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  #23  
Old 08.04.2012, 13:30
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Re: Would appreciate comments, especially from a Christian perspective...

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Happy Easter to everyone! As to your response; I've already told myself many times I'm being selfish, and that seems to dampen my spirits even more. I know I'm not in the right mind set here because I should just be happy giving, like many I've given and not always received and that's okay because you shouldn't give with the thought of receiving. That's not what giving is about. Yet I am human, and there comes a point when you would like to be loved in return. Being "love" doesn't always mean you will be loved in return; by GOD yes, by people not always. I think Jesus was a perfect example of this. All I'm saying is most people have been loved by someone romantically at some point or another.
For me this has never once been the case, and I'm wondering why. I have full confidence GOD will show me in time. I have been seriously considering the involvement in a nunnery, as I truly love the concept of it, the devotion and have always loved studying the dead sea scrolls and Biblical texts. So perhaps, as I stated before, if not for this, GOD is saving me for something else. I would just have an inclination as to what.
I think it quite sad to be honest that you should feel depressed over this at such a young age, you have many many years ahead of you, enjoy everything while you can, including being young free and single.
I can understand the feeling of lonliness that can come over you, the dread that you will be alone forever, I get those feelings, but the difference is I am much older, was married for 20 years, now in my forties have been alone for just over 3 years and yes I get those feelings, but Hun, you are nearly 21, dont feel down and despondant, one day out of the blue probably with no warning it will happen for you, you will find the 'one' and he will find you!
In the meantime, enjoy what you have, enjoy friends and companions.

Just dont get depressed about it, I have seen the way depression can eat into someone, its not good.
If you are ever feeling very down and just want to let it all out, PM me we can chat on email if you like, just dont let depression eat away at you.

Take care.
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  #24  
Old 08.04.2012, 13:55
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Re: Would appreciate comments, especially from a Christian perspective...

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Yet I am human, and there comes a point when you would like to be loved in return. Being "love" doesn't always mean you will be loved in return; by GOD yes, by people not always. I think Jesus was a perfect example of this. All I'm saying is most people have been loved by someone romantically at some point or another.
I see there are some important lessons you've already learned:

1. To give love doesn't mean it will be returned. The key here is not to have any expectations when you give love. That's what true giving is all about.

2. We all want to be loved. It's a primal instinct. That's why loving yourself is so important. If you don't like yourself, why should anyone else like you?

3. Loneliness. Yup, that's going to happen when you're not in a relationship. It also happens when you're in a relationship. There are no guarantees. Find yourself and what YOU like doing. Fill your time with these things and you'll find yourself less lonely.

4. Not having a boyfriend at your age: I understand the frustration but there's nothing wrong with you. You just haven't connected with someone yet. Or perhaps you're afraid to? Whatever it is, don't be too hard on yourself. Your time WILL come.

5. Joining a nunnery. If you think you'll find peace and happiness there and aren't running away from your present life, then go for it. Give it a trial run.

6. Asking yourself questions about life is normal. Not having found yourself yet at your age is normal. Wanting to believe God will help you along every journey is normal. Questioning if God will really help you is normal. Give yourself time, love and believe in yourself, forgive yourself and others when needed and keep chugging along. Do what you believe is right for you but remember what you find "right" can change over time.

7. Happy Easter
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  #25  
Old 08.04.2012, 14:08
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Re: Would appreciate comments, especially from a Christian perspective...

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Happy Easter to everyone! As to your response; I've already told myself many times I'm being selfish, and that seems to dampen my spirits even more. I know I'm not in the right mind set here because I should just be happy giving, like many I've given and not always received and that's okay because you shouldn't give with the thought of receiving. That's not what giving is about. Yet I am human, and there comes a point when you would like to be loved in return. Being "love" doesn't always mean you will be loved in return; by GOD yes, by people not always. I think Jesus was a perfect example of this. All I'm saying is most people have been loved by someone romantically at some point or another.
For me this has never once been the case, and I'm wondering why. I have full confidence GOD will show me in time. I have been seriously considering the involvement in a nunnery, as I truly love the concept of it, the devotion and have always loved studying the dead sea scrolls and Biblical texts. So perhaps, as I stated before, if not for this, GOD is saving me for something else. I would just have an inclination as to what.
I'm afraid you've misunderstood me.

Before you can give love, you have to have it to give. If you don't give love it is not because you're being selfish (though it could also be that), but simply because you don't have it to give right now. There's nothing wrong with that.

What is wrong is to expect others to give you the love you lack. This doesn't work (and the reason has a lot to do with the fact that most people on this planet are in a very similar situation to yours). What you have to do is give yourself the love you're looking for. This is what I mean by "being" love. On your own. By yourself.

What I meant by "being" love was: you have to find a way to see the beauty in everything that happens in your life. Stop being so miserable about what is lacking in your life and be thankful for what your life does have. Find ways to improve your life. Work with love, find the joy in things. Enjoy every second, every taste, every smell, every color, and if you don't have it find a way to bring it in your life without depending on others to bring it in for you.

Feeling self-pity and like a victim is all well and good for a little bit but eventually you and people around you will realize that is simply just a little ploy and game to try to get what you think is "love" from other people. You want people to feel sorry for you and show compassion. You think this is love and it will make you feel better. But is this really true? Come on, deep down you must know the answer.

Wake up, kiddo!! Is this really what you want out of life? To go around begging for someone to give you little scraps of what you think is "love"??

As for "god's plan"....heck...with 6 billion people on the planet, what makes you think you're particlularly more special than anybody else? What have you accomplished in life on your own so far? Other than feeling self-pity, that is?

I tell you this not to make you feel bad...I tell you this to look at the reality, which is this:

Most people don't care about other people. That is the truth. The only person who will always care about you and will never, ever leave you is YOU.

Maybe God, too, but as you say...he doesn't kiss and hug you, cuz he's off in the ether somewhere, he doesn't even answer when you ask him/her questions. All this "he's everywhere" and "he sees me" and "he has a plan" is beautiful-speak but practically...when does he say hi to you and say: "let's go on a bike ride today, coup de grace, the weather is lovely and we can chit-chat about your hobbies". He doesn't, right? Besides how many gods are there out there these days? What with all the Muslims, Jewish, Christians (and those come in many flavors)...how do you know the God you pray to is the right one?

BUT YOU....you can take a nice lavender bath when you're feeling tired. You can cook yourself a lovely dinner when you want to celebrate a promotion at work...you can go and view a beautiful lake in the mountains when you're feeling sad, you can go on a bike ride and even find people to go with you to chit-chat about your hobbies...

No one will treat you better than you treat yourself.

My point is: Give love to YOURSELF first. Until you have it you cannot give it to anyone else. And what is a romantic relationship but a relationship based on love, not need? So stop being needy and take care of yourself first. Whether others love you or not is irrelevant. But whether you love yourself or not WILL make the difference between having a happy or miserable life, regardless of who is around you, and including (especially including) romantic partners. Guaranteed.

Let me tell you something else....there's nothing worse than being the romantic partner of someone who thinks they're not worthy of love (especially their own). For them...nothing is enough, and they spread misery all around. Fix yourself before you inflict your pain upon innocent others. Romantic relationships are give and take, and until you can present yourself to a partner as a full, complete, grown adult who knows who she is and where she's going any romantic relationship you participate in will end in painful life lessons. Get a head start on these lessons by working on yourself first, and if eventually in your life you do find and recognize love for what it is, consider yourself magnificently blessed and lucky.

Or...go to a bar. Have a one night-stand. Live a little. Don't confuse sex, a fling, or even "a relationship" (including marriage!) with love. They're not the same thing, but it doesn't mean that even meaningless flings can't be loads of fun.

Good luck!
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  #26  
Old 08.04.2012, 14:17
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Re: Would appreciate comments, especially from a Christian perspective...

Most of us have a need to be loved. It's kind of built in - God said that it's not good for man to be alone, so man and woman, he created them both. By implication, it's not good for woman to be alone either. Some people are able to transfer that need - either receiving it from community, or from God. Some aren't.

There are of course different kinds of love we can give and receive. C.S. Lewis identified four kinds, from the Greek. Eros - sexual attraction/love; philio - friendship love; storge - family love; agape - self giving/sacrificial love.

You're a year older than my eldest kid. I tell all my children that relationships will come. Until then, concentrate on friendship and family, and by practicising agape love, you'll find that life is pretty good.

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Well...first of all thanks for opening up here...it is one of the most sincere posts in a long time I am a believer myself and the greatest thing for me is enjoying God's favor and you know what it means! And I do not mean it in a churchy way (one of my favourites books is So you do not want to go to church anymore ) Like it was said...you are waaay too young to let these things put you down. You do not consider yourself ugly. Great! You said that new friends told you certain things. Hellllooo...NEW friends How long have they been around you? Go out there...join a community...make friends...experience whatever God has for you!
You want a companion? Why not companionS? Real true friends that are always for you!
And you know what? I got married when I was 21 but that was only because I met the most amazing woman and I did not waste time! We have the same birthday and we got married on our birthday! It could be 21, 35 or 40...it is not the age, the rules...it is God, friends, relationships, experiences that count!
I like that book too. And was married at 21 - not on either of our birthdays though, so I know your not me.
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  #27  
Old 08.04.2012, 14:20
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Re: Would appreciate comments, especially from a Christian perspective...

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As to your response; I've already told myself many times I'm being selfish, and that seems to dampen my spirits even more. .
Of course it will. You should try not "speak to yourself" in a negative way. If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way as you speak to yourself how long would that person by your friend? You would not accept that behaviour from a friend so don't accept it from yourself

When you start to talk negatively to yourself try to stop immediately and replace it with something constructive and positive. Remember that the way you see yourself is so often not the reality. How many anerexics think that they are fat when that is far from the truth?


Remember that life is happening right now. Instead of dwelling in the past or worrying about the future just practise being and living in the now. Loving and being loved is a part of the process of life and it will come to you. Right now in this moment just concentrate on loving yourself

Here is a quote I like

Q What is more important to love or be loved?
A Which is more important to a bird, the left wing or right wing?

Lynda
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Old 08.04.2012, 14:31
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Re: Would appreciate comments, especially from a Christian perspective...

There's more advice here - from a man, but the principle is the same

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Old 08.04.2012, 15:03
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Re: Would appreciate comments, especially from a Christian perspective...

Love = overrated mental state vaguely connected to hormonal release.

God either does exist or doesn't, you have a 50/50 chance on that one.

Are you communicating properly? Do you actually say what you mean or do you say what you think others want to hear? There's a fundamental difference and if you're not being honest with yourself then disappointment can be the only outcome.
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Old 08.04.2012, 15:38
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Re: Would appreciate comments, especially from a Christian perspective...

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Please only serious comments:
Since you asked for a Christian perspective, I'm asking myself what I would tell you if you were my daughter.

My first concern would be you. I would not want you to get hurt, get disappointed or break your heart. A couple of things you said leaves me to think that you may be in a vulnerable situation. The words "I love you" can easily be said, and displaying some interest doesn't necessarily equate to love. But as a Christian, I trust you already know the characteristics of true love. That should be your measuring stick for love.

My advise for you is to seek discernment. Ask for this and you will receive it. Never make a decision in haste or desperation. You are never tested on your ability to figure and sort things out, you are only tested on the content of your heart. Wait patiently, and the straight path will be revealed clearly to you.

Finally, please be careful of any life advice you get over the Internet. Don't get deceived.

Last edited by Phos; 08.04.2012 at 18:01.
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Old 08.04.2012, 15:40
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Re: Would appreciate comments, especially from a Christian perspective...

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Love = overrated mental state vaguely connected to hormonal release.
Overrated? The state of being "in-love" is a magnificent feeling that makes one absolutely giddy and happy. It's a shame never to have experienced it. "Love" is what happens afterwards, when the pink glasses come off and you still enjoy being with the person.

I'd say the hormonal release is comparable to an adrenalin rush one gets from physical fitness or adventure activities but lasts MUCH longer.
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  #32  
Old 10.04.2012, 15:52
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Re: Would appreciate comments, especially from a Christian perspective...

mhm, what i dont understand is, why is it that you dont have any friends? i mean...i have friends that i know for 20 and 31 years. though they live in other countries, we are in contact throughout, call each other every now and then (thanks to skype nowadays face to face) but in general stay updated on what is happening in our lifes. it is a question of effort. how much you "invest" in a friendship, how much you do to stay in contact: visiting, calling, texting, birthday cards or what have you.... its a 2way-street and though i can imagine in a military family its hard to make many friends, it is not an excuse on losing all of your friends, eh?
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  #33  
Old 10.04.2012, 16:17
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Re: Would appreciate comments, especially from a Christian perspective...

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Please only serious comments: I'll be staying in Switzerland for about half a year more before...

I'm from the US, have lived abroad but have never been told by anyone other than my family that they loved me.


This has depressed me a great deal, because I feel I'm very friendly and happy with people. I've made a few friends here but know it won't be long before I have to leave.

...

I guess despite it all, I was still hoping maybe I might meet someone here. I wish I had the disposition to just be happy and content single and have prayed that GOD will just bless me to be happy in this situation, but as time goes on (I'll be 21 later this year) I'm realizing I'm just not truly content this way by myself;

I would like to have a companion. I know I'm still really young but my friends' reactions to this and all those around me, have made me feel odd.

...

I guess I understand pretty well how you feel as I had about the same feelings when I was younger and before I have met my husband. I was away from home too and at times felt depressed, lonely and was longing for someone to fill that emptyness I felt. So I don't think that there is anything odd about you. At all. I much rather think that the people who acted surprised by your declaration where not ready to be as open as you where. People tend to exagerate their own happiness, just look on facebook...

I can't give you a christian view of things, only one piece of very pragmatic, rational advice: it does not make great sense to look for a companion here if you know that you are going to leave soon.

I hope you'll find some people around whom you feel comfortable and then, later on, the love of your life. All the best to you.
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  #34  
Old 10.04.2012, 17:54
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Re: Would appreciate comments, especially from a Christian perspective...

Hi Coup-de-grāce,

I'm a Christian girl, I'll be turning 32 this year. I'm single, and always have been. I've never had a guy show any interest in me either. And the other week I found myself in floods of tears in a counselling session telling someone for the first time how ugly I feel.

I'm not going to give you advice, because a) I hate it when my friends and acquaintances do that to me, and b) because I think this is something everyone has to work out on their own. Also, because one thing I've learnt is that my feelings on my singleness can change - when a friend gets engaged or announces a pregnancy, but also with little things - with the weather, with a film, with a casual remark.

I could tell you what I've experienced, but you're not me, and I'm not you. As C.S. Lewis says (or rather has Aslan say) everyone has their own story. But I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

And also to say, if it really bothers you, find someone to talk to. Someone you trust, which doesn't necessarily have to be Christian (my psychiatrist isn't a believer but she accepts that some things in my life are bound by my beliefs and she doesn't try to change them) - just someone you can explore these feelings with without fear of being judged or laughed at.

Hope that helps.

V
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Old 10.04.2012, 18:32
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Re: Would appreciate comments, especially from a Christian perspective...

That's a very nice and courageous thread.

I don't know if I can help you but maybe sharing part of my history can help you think.

I'm 36 and I remember when I was close to your age, 19, I was like waiting that God would have the right person for me without me doing any effort. And it happened, at that year I met the person who later would be my wife. She was my first and only girlfriend.

We got married 5 years latter and now, after 11 years married, we are physically separated (in different countries) and considering divorce, although we still love each other (but I guess not as a man and a woman). I feel today that we maybe got together because we both didn't have another choice.

For all my life I was a pentecostal Christian. Last year we did couple therapy together and when I realized how much I haven't lived due to church impositions and how much I had delegated my life to be sorted out by 'god' (how I imagined God should be), I felt very disappointed with the way I drove my life. The 'church' stole my Humanity, spiritualizing everything.

So, what I can say, and trying to do myself, is to find a mid term and trying to take more risks in my life instead of being passive, I'm trying meet new people and perhaps a new woman.
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Old 10.04.2012, 22:16
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Re: Would appreciate comments, especially from a Christian perspective...

From the perspective of a non-believer that comes from a very religious family, I will give you very honest advice and tell you that your religion itself may be the thing holding you back from finding true love.

I actually know quite a few people that are *extremely* fervently religious who are going into old age single and very frustrated because they can't understand why they can't find someone.

Usually, the reason is that they can't find anyone in *their* church, or *their* sect of Christianity. I know Catholics who won't date "Christians", and Baptists that won't date "outside of their religion" even if it is just another flavor of Christianity. An atheist like me they would burn at the stake.

Plus, they are constantly trying to find romance at places like "Singles for Christ" or prayer groups which is kind of like trying to find monogamy in a whorehouse. When you're in a place that constantly is telling you that sex or in some cases even kissing outside of marriage is a sin, don't expect conditions that are ripe for sparks to fly.

This may not be the case for you, I'm just telling you the typical problems I see for my devout family members that are single in old age and "don't know why." They've chose Jesus as their boyfriend and that is all they're going to get. I hope for their sake there is some kind of afterlife, because they've made choices that have made this life hell on earth for themselves.

You're 21.. be sure to love yourself and not take dating (or yourself) too seriously. The best relationships are really the ones that start simply and grow into something beautiful over time. Too much initial passion often leads to passionate breakups as well.

At your age, "playing the field" and going on a few dates is the best thing, as you'll learn what you like and don't like in relationships. This doesn't mean that you have to have random sex with strangers (although that didn't seem to hurt me ).. just keep an open mind when dating. Don't be afraid to date people that may not necessarily be your "type", and don't be afraid of sometimes messy or complicated situations. As others have said, real life is nothing like the movies. Also, you may want to go easy on talking about Jesus all the time - kind of off-putting is an understatement. There are many types of belief in this world (including non-belief) and emphasizing your religious preferences to strangers is going to make your dating pool small indeed.

You may not want to hear that, but even a church-going person may run away from you or be turned off by the sound of hearing "GOD" inserted into every other sentence. Best of luck to you in finding what you're looking for!
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