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Old 06.07.2012, 13:15
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Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

My step-daughter and her youngest child are visiting home (the UK) from New Zealand in August, then staying with us in Switzerland for a few nights on the way back to NZ, which is lovely and hubby and I are really looking forward to it.
Hubby has decided he wants to go to the UK the week before they come here, which is great, he wants to spend as much time as possible with his daughter and granddaughter.
I am going home (UK) to visit family two weeks after my step-daughter leaves here, so I decided I wouldn't go home with hubby. Now I am being made to feel guilty by my mum ( I don't think she means to, I know she misses me as much as I miss them) and hubby little bit too.
I know I am being selfish, but I am really looking forward to some real me time, when I can wander around shops, soak in the bath, pamper myself, eat chocolate, drink wine and watch rubbish TV for a few days. Is that so bad?
Of course, the flat will be spic and span, clean bedding on the beds, food prepared and a smiling relaxed me meeting hubby and family at the airport.
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Old 06.07.2012, 13:19
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Re: Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

Welcome to expat life.
Those back in the mother-country rarely realise that going home isn't the "holiday" it is cracked up to be.
Stand firm, or it'll be like that forever.

Last edited by Carlos R; 06.07.2012 at 13:44. Reason: forgot the negative!
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Old 06.07.2012, 13:29
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Re: Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

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My step-daughter and her youngest child are visiting home (the UK) from New Zealand in August, then staying with us in Switzerland for a few nights on the way back to NZ, which is lovely and hubby and I are really looking forward to it.
Hubby has decided he wants to go to the UK the week before they come here, which is great, he wants to spend as much time as possible with his daughter and granddaughter.
I am going home (UK) to visit family two weeks after my step-daughter leaves here, so I decided I wouldn't go home with hubby. Now I am being made to feel guilty by my mum ( I don't think she means to, I know she misses me as much as I miss them) and hubby little bit too.
I know I am being selfish, but I am really looking forward to some real me time, when I can wander around shops, soak in the bath, pamper myself, eat chocolate, drink wine and watch rubbish TV for a few days. Is that so bad?
Of course, the flat will be spic and span, clean bedding on the beds, food prepared and a smiling relaxed me meeting hubby and family at the airport.
What you're suggesting sounds totally reasonable to me.
That way you'll be able to fill up the freezer so that you won't have to spend all your time cooking when you step-daughter is with you.
Be kind to yourself, and stop feeling guilty.
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Old 06.07.2012, 14:03
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Re: Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

I understand where you are coming from, but for me the answer depends on your holiday/work situation.
If you are working and therefore your holidays are limited, then yes, it is perfectly reasonable to explain you don't want to use up additional vacation, and you will see your step-family when they come to Switzerland. If you are not working, then it's maybe a little tougher to justify, in my opinion, and so if you have the free time it would nice for your husband/step-family if you could join them too in the UK.
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Old 06.07.2012, 14:07
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Re: Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

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My step-daughter and her youngest child are visiting home (the UK) from New Zealand in August, then staying with us in Switzerland for a few nights on the way back to NZ, which is lovely and hubby and I are really looking forward to it.
Hubby has decided he wants to go to the UK the week before they come here, which is great, he wants to spend as much time as possible with his daughter and granddaughter.
I am going home (UK) to visit family two weeks after my step-daughter leaves here, so I decided I wouldn't go home with hubby. Now I am being made to feel guilty by my mum ( I don't think she means to, I know she misses me as much as I miss them) and hubby little bit too.
I know I am being selfish, but I am really looking forward to some real me time, when I can wander around shops, soak in the bath, pamper myself, eat chocolate, drink wine and watch rubbish TV for a few days. Is that so bad?
Of course, the flat will be spic and span, clean bedding on the beds, food prepared and a smiling relaxed me meeting hubby and family at the airport.
It's not all all selfish and is called "me-time" which is very important for the phyche... if it's mentioned again, just mention all the preparation work needed to be done before your step-daughter gets here.

Enjoy your week's holidays, however you want to spend it. No-one looks after Nr. 1 if you don't!
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Old 06.07.2012, 14:20
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Re: Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

Not at all, you're going home anyway, I don't see the problem. If anything, I would say your mum is being a little on the selfish side.
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Old 06.07.2012, 14:21
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Re: Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

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I understand where you are coming from, but for me the answer depends on your holiday/work situation.
If you are working and therefore your holidays are limited, then yes, it is perfectly reasonable to explain you don't want to use up additional vacation, and you will see your step-family when they come to Switzerland. If you are not working, then it's maybe a little tougher to justify, in my opinion, and so if you have the free time it would nice for your husband/step-family if you could join them too in the UK.
I don't work (though before moving here I worked full time for 26 years) so that is one reason I feel guilty.
Normally though, apart from the little time I spend on EF, I spend most of the day performing my house wifely duties, so it's not as if I'm a 'lady of leisure'.
I kind of justify not going home by thinking I will be seeing my step-daughter when she visits here, and my family when I go to the UK two weeks later.
Before I got married 19 years ago, I had my own house and lived alone for twelve years, I have always been happy in my own company and I think I will enjoy a few days of 'just me'. Don't get me wrong, I adore my hubby and my family and wouldn't be without them for the world, but this is the first time in years I will be able to do entirely what I want to do.
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Old 06.07.2012, 14:38
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Re: Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

Being a housewife is hard work (and it's full-time job with no clocking off time), preparing for visitors is doubly so!

We all deserve a little 'me' time occasionally and the week your husband is away enjoying the company of his daughter and grand-daughter sounds like the ideal opportunity. That way you'll be relaxed and prepared for their arrival in Switzerland.

As you're spending time with your mother a few weeks later I don't think you're being selfish at all.
I really hope you enjoy your little bit of peace and quiet!
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Old 06.07.2012, 14:43
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Re: Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

You should put it to a poll in a public Internet forum and then send your mother a link to the result.
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Old 06.07.2012, 15:09
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Re: Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

I guess there are lots of different dynamics here.

Does your Mum live alone and are you an only child? If she has other family near then it is perfectly acceptable for her to wait a couple more weeks. Also how often do you usually go and visit?

One other thing is that it is probably really nice for your hubby to spend time alone with his daughter - much as you and her get on I know some friends who have kids from before and they do treasure that time of just the two of them.

Don't feel guilty for wanting some time to yourself.
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Old 06.07.2012, 15:22
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Re: Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

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Being a housewife is hard work (and it's full-time job with no clocking off time), preparing for visitors is doubly so!

We all deserve a little 'me' time occasionally and the week your husband is away enjoying the company of his daughter and grand-daughter sounds like the ideal opportunity. That way you'll be relaxed and prepared for their arrival in Switzerland.

As you're spending time with your mother a few weeks later I don't think you're being selfish at all.
I really hope you enjoy your little bit of peace and quiet!



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I guess there are lots of different dynamics here.

Does your Mum live alone and are you an only child? If she has other family near then it is perfectly acceptable for her to wait a couple more weeks. Also how often do you usually go and visit?

One other thing is that it is probably really nice for your hubby to spend time alone with his daughter - much as you and her get on I know some friends who have kids from before and they do treasure that time of just the two of them.

Don't feel guilty for wanting some time to yourself.

Thanks Anjela and Smackerjack!

I think it will do my husband good to spend some real quality time with his family, he hasn't seen his daughter for three years, her little girl was only one year old then, so she probably doesn't even remember grandad.

Happily, both my mum and dad are still with us, both in their eighties, and both very (touch wood) healthy and active. My two sisters and their families live close to my parents, and see them all the time, especially my little sister and her three children.
I visit home three or four times a year, so it could be worse!
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Old 06.07.2012, 15:29
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Re: Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Selfish

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Old 06.07.2012, 17:42
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Re: Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

Interesting, thanks!

And..you even got the hair colour right!
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Old 07.07.2012, 00:55
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Re: Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

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, I adore my hubby and my family and wouldn't be without them for the world, but this is the first time in years I will be able to do entirely what I want to do.
Then my dear, just do it!
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Old 09.07.2012, 11:38
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Re: Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

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Then my dear, just do it!
Hubby's flight home is booked, I'm staying here!
Now I've got to tell my mum!
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Old 09.07.2012, 12:39
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Re: Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

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hubby's flight home is booked, i'm staying here!
Now i've got to tell my mum!
sms?

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Old 09.07.2012, 13:18
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Re: Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

Good luck telling your mother, they can be the hardest to please but sometimes you just have to please yourself!

I havent been on a vacation in years because my "vacations" are back to home. They are stressful. Everyone expects you will go and see them. Your completly guilted into it. Plus seeing as we have bank accounts etc at home we usually have alot of crap to it!

If only you could fully explain to people in a way they might understand that after 8 months of working 50/60 hours a week that chill out time is needed.

You deserve a break and a real vacation!You have an oppertunity and you should seize it! ENjoy!!
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Old 09.07.2012, 13:45
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Re: Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

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sms?


Not such a bad idea!

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Good luck telling your mother, they can be the hardest to please but sometimes you just have to please yourself!

I havent been on a vacation in years because my "vacations" are back to home. They are stressful. Everyone expects you will go and see them. Your completly guilted into it. Plus seeing as we have bank accounts etc at home we usually have alot of crap to it!

If only you could fully explain to people in a way they might understand that after 8 months of working 50/60 hours a week that chill out time is needed.

You deserve a break and a real vacation!You have an oppertunity and you should seize it! ENjoy!!
Thank you!

I too haven't had a vacation (or as I should say, being a Brit, holiday) for years, just visiting the UK. I'm not actually bothered about going anywhere else because I feel that simply being in Switzerland is a permanent holiday, even if I am cleaning floors or doing the washing. My husband thinks the same.

When I do visit home, it is wonderful to be with all my family, we are very close and I do miss them, but you are right, it is stressful. The fact you are staying in someone else's home, albeit one of my sister's or my parents', it is strange being in your home town but not being able to go 'home'. We still have a house there which is rented out, and I avoid going anywhere near it as I find it a little upsetting that there is a stranger living there.

I actually find myself counting the days until I can come back to Switzerland, and then getting upset when I do have to leave.
The joys of being a trailing spouse!

I intend to enjoy every moment of my little break, selfish or not, then look forward to seeing hubby and his daughter and granddaughter (there will be some tears from hubby when they go back to NZ ),then being with my family in England for a few days.

I am sure most here on EF feel torn between Switzerland and 'home', wherever that is.
I feel lucky that I have a loving family who look forward to seeing me, I love them to bits, and I look forward to a lot of hugs in a few weeks, but before that I will enjoy my 'me time'.
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Old 18.08.2012, 09:49
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Re: Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

Well, I saw hubby off at the airport, I'm back home now and the only problem is I really really miss him!
I'll wait for his phone call to say he has arrived safely, then I'll have a wander into Baden with my camera to see what is happening at the Stadtfest.
Think I'll just chill later, glass of wine or two in the sunshine, box of chocolates and TV tonight, then we'll see.
Have a lovely day all, enjoy these amazing temperatures!
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Old 18.08.2012, 10:04
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Re: Is it ok for me to be a little selfish?

Hope you have a lovely time, just think of the delicious reunion when hubby gets back. Enjoy every moment and don't you dare feel guilty....it really is a wasted emotion in this situation.

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