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  #21  
Old 01.10.2012, 18:47
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

I agree your house, your rules...and unfortunately you made a big mistake by letting her smoke inside. IMHO she is staying outside for hours to make a big fuss of it and make you feel guilty. Don't fall for it. You said "house" not "flat" so I assume there is no rental contract in play?

My hubby has relatives that smoke. They know the rules, which are also in our rental contract. One time one of the individuals smoked in our bathroom overnight, with the vent on and door closed. It smelled awful the next few weeks no matter what we did, plus he burned a cigarette on the toilet seat so we will probably have to replace it when we move out. We made it clear - if he EVER wants to visit us again he cannot smoke in our home.

We acknowledge that he smokes and provide an ashtray for the porch (and plenty of coffee to drink if he's cold outside). In turn, he respects our house rules. And that's what this is all about, right? Respect for your home.
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Old 01.10.2012, 18:50
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

Hi, this is difficult for you, she being a close elderly relative. Should she accept no smoking in your house, then try to find somewhere outside that is comfortable. Do not know how many exits to your home, as maybe one place more protected. One of the adults maybe join her from time to time, sitting down from the direction of the smoke. It is very nice to watch the stars at night-time

A chain smoker, kind of like someone continually farting
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Old 01.10.2012, 18:53
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

Could you get her an electronic cigarette? You could offer it as a symbolic peace pipe

Never been a smoker, so I have no idea if they are a viable replacement - but that's what they're meant to do in theory, right?
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Old 01.10.2012, 18:57
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

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I agree your house, your rules...and unfortunately you made a big mistake by letting her smoke inside. IMHO she is staying outside for hours to make a big fuss of it and make you feel guilty. Don't fall for it. You said "house" not "flat" so I assume there is no rental contract in play?

My hubby has relatives that smoke. They know the rules, which are also in our rental contract. One time one of the individuals smoked in our bathroom overnight, with the vent on and door closed. It smelled awful the next few weeks no matter what we did, plus he burned a cigarette on the toilet seat so we will probably have to replace it when we move out. We made it clear - if he EVER wants to visit us again he cannot smoke in our home.

We acknowledge that he smokes and provide an ashtray for the porch (and plenty of coffee to drink if he's cold outside). In turn, he respects our house rules. And that's what this is all about, right? Respect for your home.
WOW

What an incompetent smoker.

When I was young, I was able to enjoy a smoke, in the bath, without burning anything and had a perfected technique which resulted in odourless bathroom when I left it, nevermind days after. This was in a non-smoking house (mum had quit) and a miltant father and older brother who could detect the smell of all smoking odours within an instant.

Amateur
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  #25  
Old 01.10.2012, 19:06
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

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Hi

I cannot resist asking people's opinion on this one. I have a close relative who smokes and I hate smoking, as does my husband, and we have children. We have never had smoking in our house, but last couple of times she visited us (for about 2 weeks) in the winter, it became a big issue.

She sometimes chain smokes, so she would stand outside for hours, all wrapped up and miserable, when it was minus fifteen degrees. In the end, I felt sorry for her (she was really upset) adn said she could smoke in her room. But I have to say I regretted it.

As a smoker, she did not believe that the smell of smoke could come out from her room, although it did. Then, she opened her windows completely, but then it was freezing..When she left, it took a long time for the smell to go away. I have to say that really bothered me.

THis year, I said to her that she would be very welcome to come at anytime, but she might not want to come in the cold, as I really didn't want smoking in the house. She was very upset with me and said that we treated her like a dog last time (only because of the smoking!).

Otherwise, we have a great relationship, but because of this, she won't visit for months. In all fairness, she is in her early 70s but in good health. I just didn't see why she had to spend hours outside. most people seem to find it ok to pop out for a quick smoke. Anyway, I feel guilty and also sad because I would love her to visit, but I don't think I will budge on this. I'm interested what others think of this! Thanks
As an occasional smoker, I would never let anyone smoke in my house. It's outside or nothing, and there is no reason her age or selfishness should make you relax your principles. Smoking in houses is horrible and it stinks, plus you have children and that's double reason to say no. Stick to your guns, it's her problem not yours, and if she had a single ounce of consideration for anyone else then she would accede to your wishes and pop out for a fag without spitting her dummy out.
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  #26  
Old 01.10.2012, 19:13
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

tell her to visit in summer. That way she can smoke yet not freeze. Outside
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  #27  
Old 01.10.2012, 19:23
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

Wow, a lot of response on this, thanks to everyone. I guessed that a lot of people would respond in this way, and I certainly hoped so, because I was beginning to doubt myself. I'll be back later...
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  #28  
Old 01.10.2012, 19:34
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

My parents dealt with the same issue with my grandmother. They asked her to smoke outside, as it was their house and their rules. She used the "respect your elders" argument, to which my dad replied that he was showing her respect by discussing this with her and trying to be as open and upfront about it as he could. She didn't like it, at first, but eventually understood and respected the house rules.
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  #29  
Old 01.10.2012, 19:55
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

As previously stated: Your house, your rules. As the guest, family or not, they must understand it's their addiction and must bend. I should know, I am an ex smoker of 4 years.

A gesture on your part: Nicorette or Niconel, various flavors to choose from. A box of 2 milligram or 4mg for 30 of 'em is about 22 clams. Available at Apotheke's everywhere!

Last edited by Diego Knyte; 01.10.2012 at 20:00. Reason: typo
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Old 01.10.2012, 20:00
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

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She was very upset with me and said that we treated her like a dog last time
Dogs smoke ?!?!
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  #31  
Old 01.10.2012, 20:08
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

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Dogs smoke ?!?!
You talking to me?

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  #32  
Old 01.10.2012, 20:24
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

Years ago I lived in the north of England for several years and there was a guy in our office who lived in Burnley, about 8 miles north of where I lived, so we often passed one another in the cars on the way to and from work.
At some stage, his boss told him, that HE had decided that they would share cars (no discussion took place on this). Well his boss lived another 10 miles further away from work than my colleague.
Now I have to say that my colleague was as soft as s**t - he would do anything you asked and just say `Ohhhh, alright then`.
The obvious thing would be for boss to drive down to colleague, leave his car there and then drive in together - but no, my colleague had to drive up to collect him - cheeky git.
The funniest part was though, that the boss was a heavy smoker and told my colleague `I`m still smoking in your car`. We kept telling him to tell the boss to go and f**k himself and smoke in his own car! - but no, he just sighed and said `Oh, alright`.
When my colleague opened the window slightly, to let in some fresh air, the boss immediately said `Oooh shut that window, I`ll get a draught!`. We had to laugh as we passed their car on the way home - windows closed - couldn`t see a thing . . . . funny thing was - the boss smoked a pipe!!.
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Old 01.10.2012, 20:29
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

Your house your rules tell her too bad if she wants to kill herself she doesn't need to kill you and the kids with chain smoking. Add to this if she went a work environment she would have to go outside to smoke.

If she don't like the cold the answer is simple - don't smoke!

Zero sympathy and any house I have known were smokers are visitors they are required to be outside
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  #34  
Old 01.10.2012, 20:45
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

As I said, it's good to get some support. I got married over 10 years ago, and previous to that, when my relatives stayed with me, I let them smoke (perhaps I'm too much a soft touch, but I was getting all ''that respect for your elders''!). I remember just before our wedding. I had given them my bedroom, and i was sleeping on the sofa, but I could not stand the smell of smoke, and had to sleep on floor of kitchen! I remember even then she did not see my point. So when I got married, and my husband (an ex-smoker) didn't want smoking in our house, then that made things easy for me to say...

The funny thing is that up to a few years ago, I lived in a hotter climate, and she did the same thing there. When it was 40 degrees, she would stand outside for hours and do the martyr act...

So for her first winter visit here, I just turned off my sympathy. But last time she was here, she would stand out for hours and be freezing (she recently told me that she actually had a back problem when she went back, how crazy is that!! because she has some arthritis). One day, my husband smiled at her on his way out, and she told me that he was smirking at her because she was out in the cold. Shortly after that, she actually broke down crying because she was so upset and cold. I didn't know what to do, I felt so bad, and I suggested first that maybe she could curtail her trip since it was so unbearable for her. Then she got more upset, and that's when I ended up saying she could smoke in her room. But for months after it bothered me. I washed the duvet, carpet etc, but the smell still lingered. So I said to myself 'never again'. And then I had it on my mind all year, because there was a possibility she might come for Christmas.

And I just said, 'you know, I really don't like the smoking in the house, and since you find it so hard in the winter, maybe you'd better come only in the good weather..But I know she wasn't at all happy, and I wasn't happy that I won't see her because of this. I alternate between feeling guilty (now I feel less guilty after your posts!) and feeling angry that she is letting this habit come between us, and even determine her life.

By the way, I suggested the electronic cigarette thing but she wouldn't even consider it. I wouldn't even mention any other products. For her, cigarettes are a part of her, and maybe that's why she feels it so much as a rejection. She's a widow and they are also her friend, strange though that sounds.
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  #35  
Old 01.10.2012, 20:56
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

It sounds like she might want more attention in general, to feel wanted and needed. I wonder if some general relationship building, words of affirmation, and affection might do more for these "stands" she is taking out in the cold. As though she wants to feel more valuable overall.

You could explain that you are sad too when you miss out on so much time with her when she is smoking outside, but that you respect her right to decide as an adult how she wants to live her life, just as you hope she respects your right to decide what you want in your home.

And regarding the guilt: it was her decision to smoke, and it's her obligation to deal with the consequences of that choice. She could visit and stay in a hotel. She could try nicorette, she could go out for walks...but instead she is putting it on you. Don't buy in.
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Old 01.10.2012, 20:58
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

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Your house your rules tell her too bad if she wants to kill herself she doesn't need to kill you and the kids with chain smoking. Add to this if she went a work environment she would have to go outside to smoke.

If she don't like the cold the answer is simple - don't smoke!

Zero sympathy and any house I have known were smokers are visitors they are required to be outside
Increase her chances you mean.

She is 70 odd, doubt she cares much about the possible ill effects.
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  #37  
Old 01.10.2012, 21:00
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

Solution: give her one well packed doobie ..... not only is the smell more agreeable, but with any luck, after one, shell be away with the fairies, anyway.
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  #38  
Old 01.10.2012, 21:05
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

I think it's a good point that she doesn't feel valued, about this smoking outside. In general, I would show I value her, but now unfortunately smoking is not something we can really talk about, and she's made it clear she will no longer be visiting me in the cold months.

THe funny thing is that, last time she came, she actually came to help because I had a broken arm. I was actually nearly better by the time she came, and would have liked to have the house to myself, but she made such a lot of effort to help in the house. In other things, she is not selfish, but I really hate the smoking. She has tried to give up in the past, once for 7 years, but now I think she doesn't intend to even try again...
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Old 01.10.2012, 21:10
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

Unless you feel that your health is worth millions and you're first in line for some substantial inheritance, I'd tell your relation to f**k off, period. And that's being very liberal, I'd rather have my health intact whatever the cost ....
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Old 01.10.2012, 21:11
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Re: Visitor who wants to smoke in house

I wouldn't invite her back. If someone stayed with me and said I treated them like a dog, for any reason, I would not invite them back and would assume since they had such a horrid time they would not want to come.

No one smokes in our house and as most people have said nearly all smokers I have ever known have smoked outside their own homes.

My grandfather smoked in his house and when I was very young my father smoked in the house but that stopped in the early 80s.
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