Hi I’m a woman from Asia and I would like to clear some doubts when dating Swiss men, particularly Swiss German men.

I met two different Swiss German guys and went out on dates with them. Both of them showed similar traits of having the girl to pay more on dates. When I met the first guy, many times had I bought him coffee (once), lunches (twice). When I was leaving for a trip, he insisted on meeting me even though actually I’m not keen. He asked me so what else I could get for him. Then, he reciprocated to buy me a tea-time meal a few weeks after we both got back from our separate vacations. The next subsequent dates, I was the one who paid more.

When I met the second guy, he offered to go Dutch and there was a little awkwardness on the table. I offered to pay and he gladly accepted and quicy went to the washroom. The second day for second date, he seemed a bit unwilling to pay for the dinner (which also cost much less than the one I paid for). After the dinner, he requested to visit an attraction site (which is much costlier than the meal) and he didn’t pay me back for the tickets even though I said we could split.

I felt like I was the better man or boyfriend in both cases. But I’m not a gold digger neither am I a gold mine. Dating and reciprocating should be a global courtesy culture isn’t it? Does this has to do with Swiss German men? Girls courting guys instead?

Probably nothing to do with men being Swiss, rather just being a specific type of men.

This kind of confusion can be experienced, at least briefly, by all sorts of people on their first few dates.

It is an old-fashioned notion that the man should always pay for the woman, or that in non-hetero couples there should necessarily be some sort of paying heirarchy.

You have control of your own wallet. If you want to be kind and generous and treat someone to a meal or a drink, do so, and only up to the limit at which you feel comfortable. If you don't want to spend money on another, or don't want to have them spend money on you then don't. Just tell the waiter clearly that you'd like separate bills, please. If you do this right at the start, you can be clear about your own limits and not have this as a cloud making the evening tense.

Most expecially, too, if you don't want to spend time with someone, then don't.

By having that much integrity, one keeps the communication clear, and everyone knows where they stand.

Hey! I'm feeling a bit hungry. Fancy a date in Basel? Les Trois Rois 5 star hotel restaurant OK for you?

Hey Phil, mind if I come along, too?
I can sit at another table to not disturb you two too much.

Squeeze, we can share a table. For the mere price of a meal and a good bottle of wine we can act as chaperones.

Youdunsay,

Communicate that you want to go dutch, then stick to that. To the point of saying "Your part was 38 CHF", and holding out your hand. If he comes up with some lame excuse, then use the same hand to wave bye bye with. There are enough reasonable men about.

Welcome to equality!

They were probably testing you if you’ll fit into the culture and if you will be a worthy material for future wife. Men get spoilt and old that ... nowadays ... you know.

It's not exactly rocket science, is it?

Although the last time I went on a 'date' was 30-odd years ago, I think that's what we did then.

I wasn't that progressive 30 years ago. At least not on the first couple of dates.

The Cheval Blanc is closed during August. No point going to Les Trois Rois otherwise.

One way to do it is to go for hikes/ picnics/ walks/activities that do not involve "bills" for the first few dates. Of course the weather doesn't always comply and for those days a coffee shop date should work.



In my case when I met someone I liked we spent lots of time going on walks and for picnics the initial few dates and then for our first dinner date my beau brought it up and asked me how I think we ought to handle the bill. He made a joke and said these were confusing times cause if he paid it all he might offend my "feminist" side, if he asks to split I might think him stingy (Note that he did not suggest that I pay all of it). I appreciated him asking.



Long story short, if the guy doesn't bring it up, you should and splitting the bill is the best way to handle it IMO at least in the early days. Also preferably pick venues that don't require breaking the bank for either party.

In my land with drinking its the rule "I bought this round you buy the next." Sort of explains why there are alot of alcoholics from where I come from.

My rule for dating is simple: I pay for the meal; she rows the boat.

Tried the "hiking date" a few times. It was tragicomic to see the sudden realisation on their face once they realised "omg I'm all alone in the middle of the forest/mountain/wherever with this guy I've met on the internet and he seems ok but what if what they showed on tv was happening now and I shouldn't show that I'm freaking out but omgomgomg".
So now, same as with rounds, for me whoever proposes the date and the venue also pays the bill. If you want to meet at the dolder, sure, we can go there

One doesn't have to go up onto the solitary mountain, etc., but can restrict oneself to a genteel promenade along the edge of the lake, or through the Old Town, all well-lit and near public transprot, and then get an ice-cream.

I am not sure what I'd think of my date if at the beginning of a date he announced clearly to the waiter that we are splitting bills.. I don't mind paying for somebody. But could some of the equality gestures be killing the chemistry before it has a chance?

I am not on the dating scene but I noticed men in Switzerland (not only Swiss men) tend to let the ladies pay. I have had coffee/lunch with some male ex-colleagues and they never offered to buy me a coffee. Once I went for drinks with two men and only had sparkling water and when the waiter came neither of them offered to pay mine. My husband was horrified to hear this. Where I come from, a coffee is no big deal and a man will always offer to pay a woman's drink. In fact they will offer to pay each other's!

The way I see things working in urban Switzerland, the assumption is that each person will be in control of his/her own consumption and of his/her own payment. This is irrespective of one's own gender or that of the others who are present at the time. I'd say it is usual that each person pay their own way. If you want to have something to eat or drink, then you order what you want, and you pay for it.

As far as "tend to let the ladies pay" goes, I've never seen that happen.

Where it does happen as you describe, I wonder whether this situation perhaps arises not so much because the man assumes that the woman he is with should pay for his drinks and food, but rather because of an assumption by the woman that ONE of them will pay for both of them (and if she is thinking in an old-fashioned, patriarchal sexist way, then she may assume that this ONE ought to be the man). If the man does not make a move to pay, or not fast enough in her eyes, a woman thinking in this way may then "step in" and take on the role of being the ONE who pays the whole bill. She need not do so, though. She is free.

I think it is part of adult responsibility to take enough money with you when you go out, never to assume that anyone else should be paying for your food or drinks, then pay your own bills yourself, and let everyone else pay theirs. That's the standard basis.

If ever you wish to be kind enough to pay for someone else, well then do so as a clear choice, with a glad heart, with no resentment.